ICYMI: mask bullies = human garbage :)

Masks & distancing are INCREDIBLY helpful--life-saving, even. That's not opinion--that's just fact. I don't understand how there's still people out there who don't know that--or rather, who refuse to acknowledge it.

I had been wearing N95s until recently; when they ran out, for the first time since 2021, I didn't replenish them. I have some regular paper masks that I wear here & there but even those I've been tapering off with. I always have masks in my purse just in case--for example, getting on a crowded bus or train or during rush hour or whatever--but I've been stopping that too, and lately I haven't bothered with many safety measures at all, because I'm tired of feeling like I'm being stared at, which is really not like me. But I guess we all have our thresholds.

I'm just incredibly bitter & fed up that I've put so much work into caring & being careful over these past 4 years (and the $1000 I've spent on therapy due to the OCD meltdown I had because of it), while not only constantly dealing with people who don't care--as fucked up as that is--but people who ridicule those of us who are just minding our business and trying to protect others. Getting shat on for trying to protect others--and avoid being sick--is something i can never understand, and something I could never, ever, ever forgive anyone for.

And like...it's not even strictly about Covid? I don't want people's colds or flus or gastro or whatever. Why would anyone?

(And you KNOW the folks who ridicule others for wearing a mask are 100% the same people who whine & cry to everyone when they have a cold. 100%! 🤣)

I don't understand why people care, why they can't mind their own business.

Why does what I do bother them when it doesn't affect them in ANY way--and not only that, but what I'm doing is totally innocent? It's just... being safe? How could that possibly offend anyone? It truly, absolutely doesn't make a lick of sense.

The only logical explanation for any of this is that those of us who try to protect ourselves (and others) are striking a nerve with these folks. They obviously have some kind of (well-deserved) guilt deep down, and that's why they react so defensively.

That's not even a hunch, btw; that's so clearly what the reason is.

And if they're feeling guilty, great. But that's not *our* problem.

And fuck them for taking it out on us.

I'm beyond fed-up of working hard & caring when I get ridiculed for doing so. I'm too tired.

At the very least, I can go to sleep at night knowing I'm a good person, and anytime i feel ashamed or angry or disappointed in myself for screwing up or saying something mean, I just remember "well, at least I'm not like these viciously selfish, willfully ignorant goons" and I immediately feel better. 🙂 So that's a plus, at least! ha!

......Aaaaannnnd that was the ultra-nice, reeaaally restrained version of what I want to say--what I'm thinking & feeling is soooooo much angrier than all I held back here--but yeah! lol

Mike Parsons is a murderer

Tonight the state of Missouri decided to murder an innocent Black man simply because they felt like it. 

Rest in Power, Marcellus Williams. 

happy? lonely?

I'm trying to be more social and meet people, but I'm definitely not trying hard enough. My world feels empty and lonely lately. I hate how lonely and lazy I've become. I hate how tired I am. And most of all, I hate being around other people. Ultimate irony! Ya gotta find the humour in it, eh?

2020 really changed everything. I've never truly understood "loneliness" until 2020 happened. I'd been lonely before, but never really, truly felt & thoroughly understood what loneliness genuinely felt like. It's so dark, so deep, and so SPECIFIC. At the same time, I've had a lot of VERY wonderful things happen to me over the past few years, and that's an understatement. I'm so luck, grateful, and thankful for a lot of things right now. It makes the contrast between loneliness and joy feel that much stranger, though. Huh. What discord!

....but I guess that's a strange thing to say. I mean, joy and gratitude for things going amazingly in one's life, and feeling despair from the crushing weight of unwanted solitude are NOT mutually exclusive by any means. But it still feels so absurd to experience both simultaneously.

I keep telling myself how important it is to work on any aspects of my life that I'm not happy with as timely and as strongly as I can. And I am, but at a snail's pace. Anything more is just so exhausting. Or is it? Am I just being lazy and complacent? I am a lot of things, but I'm not complacent, am I? There's no way. That's one thing I can never be. (I think!)

All I know is, I'm not doing enough. "All movement forward is progress, no matter how slow." <--This is very true, but, sometimes I found myself in situations in which slow progress just won't cut it. I only speak for myself--everyone has their own speed, their own pace, and their own situations, and their own limitations and goals--but right now, I'm in one of those positions in which I need to put in the effort to try harder. It's good to be comfortable, but then nothing changes.  

Makenai! Ashita e Sailor Yell!

I've been rewatching Sailor Moon lately and I'm back at Stars (the final season, if you didn't know); once it's done, I'll be free to watch the remake/reboot/whatever from 2014. My best friend and I tried watching it when it first aired--iirc, we watched the first 4 episodes, and the animation horrified us, and it was weird, and we just couldn't get into it. Fast forward to a decade later and it's a huge hit and everyone talks about it (some modern day Sailor Moon fans have only seen the reboot, not even the original!), so to say all this talk has gotten my attention is kind of an understatement. I'm totally intrigued (and I notice the animation got fixed bigtime after season 1), so I'm gonna go into the newer series excited as hellll. Just once Stars is done. It's taking me forever, though, because I'm watching so many different anime series (and Western TV series! And K-dramas! And J-dramas!) at the same time, hahahah! 

OH hey, let's talk about Sertraline

 Why did I revive my blog just to leave it un-updated for 6 months? I mean, January? That's the last time I updated? Really?? 

Anyway. 

Cross-posted from my social media platforms, but: I'm trying to write about the trouble I'm having toggling my dosage of Sertraline: half of me doesn't want to talk about it "publicly", and the other half of me wants to help others & let them know they're not alone. So I'm half-assing it by mentioning it casually. 
ha!! 

5 years

After all these years, I still think EVERY DAY about what a luxury it is to walk around my own home in bare feet and feel the wooden floor beneath me. It's not something I ever thought I'd miss while I was in the hospital, but months of not being able to walk anywhere without hard slippers on is an odd, cold, constant reminder of the odd, cold, sterile and uncomfortable environment you're imprisoned in while you're an in-patient--one that I had never previously anticipated. There's a Björk song called 5 Years. In it, she sings the lyrics "You think you're denying me of something....You're the one who's missing out But you won't notice, til after five years, if you'll live that long. You'll wake up all loveless." Why yes Björk, I did indeed live that long (and will hopefully live many years--nay, decades--longer!), but I haven't woken up all loveless. More like...all cancerless! HA! Take that, leukemia. "You think you're denying me of something." Can I sing those words to cancer? hahaha...

According to Facebook Memories, on this day 5 years ago I was being quarantined in isolation at the hospital because I had woken up with the sniffles. I was also happy because I wasn't nauseous that day. (Chemo is such a bitch!)
Forward 5 years later to today, I woke up coughing and achey. My throat is sore and my head hurts. But I'm sick in the coziness of my own home so I'm happy. :)
I'm EXTRA happy that it's been 5 years! 5 years post-transplant is considered full remission. That will be in August. I'm excited!

I celebrated my 4-year anniversary last year by going to Greece. What should I do this year, now that I'll be gaining the official remission title?
I have a lot in mind, but the one thing I want to do more than anything is return to Japan. The main obstacle in my way is lack of funds (as usual), so we'll see.... I need to make this happen though. My plan is to look for a 2nd job...or more likely, to do some freelancing on the side. :)

Sayumi Michishige has OCD

I can’t tell you how I feel when someone famous and/or someone I admire announces they have OCD. It’s such a unique type of hell. It’s always good to know you’re not alone, but it’s a whole other level of comfort when someone who seems “bigger than life” suffers from the same thing.

It’s yet a whole other level when it’s someone from Japan, considering how incredibly conservative Japanese society is compared to the west, and considering how getting help for illness is so deeply frowned upon, especially when that illness can be classified as “mental”. 

It’s yet a whole OTHER level when it’s someone from MORNING MUSUME.
And this is SAYUMI MICHISHIGE we’re talking about here. Queen Sayu! The one & only.

Sayumi Michishige has gone public with her struggles with OCD. 

Her OCD is so bad that she needs to take a break from the public eye to deal with it.
As if I didn’t love & adore her & flat-out obsess over her enough already, now there’s this?
Not only am I so proud of her for being public about this, but now I feel, like, a special kind “bond” with her, if that makes sense?
I swear I don’t mean that in a creepy way! Hopefully, what I'm trying to say is clear--knowing someone has gone through the same type of struggles as you makes you feel more of "kinship" with that person, even though you don't know them personally, and it's just someone in the public eye whom you admire from afar. 

It’s horrible, though, some of the comments poor Sayumi has been getting on socials--as you might imagine. There are men out there who have been saying that she just needs a man in her life to cure the OCD. Misogyny & grossness aside (is it possible to put those things aside?), I don’t know how ignorant you have to be to not realize that getting a partner will most likely make the OCD much worse, not the other way around. 

I mean, it’s OK to not know things, but it’s definitely not OK to use your ignorance to spread hateful, incredibly gross sexist comments.  

It’s definitely not OK to think mental illness can be cured by having a sexual partner. 

“This woman needs a man in her life to cure her COVID!”
“If she actually got a boyfriend, her IBS would be cured.”
That’s about how much sense that makes. Except with the added caveat that dating or being in a relationship will likely exacerbate OCD!

(Not to mention…I believe (or rather assume) that Sayumi is gay. I think she’d prefer a girlfriend or wife, not a boyfriend. But that’s a whole other topic for another time. )