I know this topic has nothing to do with cancer or transplants, but this *is* still my blog, and I write about other things in here too, ya know! lol
Anyway, just something that's been on my mind lately. Gossip. Bad-mouthing people.
To be clear right off the bat--I'm not talking about having a wine & bitch session (or coffee/tea/whatever have you & bitch) session with your bff. That's totally different from badmouthing & gossiping about everyone you know as a regular hobby for about a hundred different reasons I'm not going to get into right now. But I just wanted to get that distinction out of the way.
But yeah. Badmouthing others.
It took me til my late 30s to truly understand the whole concept of "if people badmouth other people when they're around you, they do the same thing about you around other people." That "foolish" voice they give their friends in their stories when they recite them to me? That's the same "foolish" voice they give ME when they recount stories about me when they're with those friends.
It's such a harsh lesson to learn, and I don't know why it took me so long to learn. Maybe some level of conceit? Like, "oh, I'm the special COOL friend they all come to to vent?" HAHAHA DAAAMN at that completely unearned level of self-importance, dear late-20s-era me! Ugh. Embarrassing.
I used to have people in my outer friends' circle who I would badmouth a lot because I really felt our attitudes clashed and I didn't care about staying friends with them. I was too much of a coward to cut them out of my life, but once I realized what a shitty human I was being, I finally unfriended them all on Facebook--not just because I felt like our friendship would lead nowhere, but also because I felt like I didn't deserve their friendship if I talked about them like that.
And...yeah. I'm not sure what else to say about this. I don't have any witty closing to this or anything. I'm not good at writing blogs. I just write what's in my mind (or on it!), and when I'm done, the post is done. Til next time!
Monday 30 September 2019
Thursday 26 September 2019
Med VS med
I wrote a really long post on Facebook to update folks on what's new, and since the post was so long, I decided to double-post it here. I don't plan on making that a habit, by the way. It was just such a long post and I remembered how little I've been posting here, so I figured eh, why not, I'll do a copy/paste.
And without further ado!
Super good things: my meds have been switched around, and I no longer spend all day every day nauseous. It's been a good week or so now.
The less good things: I have infections and some kind of virus I don't quite understand the details of, and that means even more meds and a lot of pain from the infections in the meantime. Also, one of the anti-virals hasn't been working, so I might have to switch meds again, and it may involve a clinical trail. ughhhh. Just so much going on.
I'm currently on 12 medications, many of which I need to take 2-3 times a day. I have whole charts to follow. Sometimes I make mistakes, even with the charts.
It takes me about 15 minutes to take all my morning pills. The coffee percolates during that time, and I usually finish off 1 entire water bottle swallowing the pills.
I have to wash my hands before & after handling certain medications. My hands are raw from all the washing.
As an extra bonus, most of these meds are very hard on the stomach, to say nothing of their combined interactions.
My nurses are so great about it. I'm already thinking about cards to make them and chocolate or wine to send them when all of this is said and done. They're much more pleasant than my doctor. He's nice, but he's all gloom & doom (I appreciate and WANT the honesty, but he's harsh); meanwhile my nurses are like "C'mon Marina, you can do this! I know it's rough. Just gotta hang on for a few months and you'll be done with the meds, OK? You got this!! "
They are so optimistic with me, and NOT in that fake positivity way. They're not asking me to be happy or to find the positive in illness, or to hide my true feelings to make others feel more comfortable. They just want me to pull through the bad parts because they know there's an end to that eventually, and when I get there (and I *will* get there), that's when I get to feel normal again.
And that's when I'll be socializing again and going places and having fun again...
For now though, I'm so happy to be in my own home, my cozy cozy apartment, my kitchenette, my huge lovely bed, and of course to be here with my lovely husband who's always making me laugh, watching old shows, playing Nintendo with me, and cooking me feasts that make wonder "what did I do to deserve this?"
Feasts that make the apartment fill up with WONDERFUL, comforting, delicious scents---so relaxing & inviting.
A complete 180 from the smells of a hospital.
.
I love my home and I'm so, so, so super happy to be here.
We just gotta kick these infections and virus to the curb...scram, you little invaders!
And without further ado!
Super good things: my meds have been switched around, and I no longer spend all day every day nauseous. It's been a good week or so now.
The less good things: I have infections and some kind of virus I don't quite understand the details of, and that means even more meds and a lot of pain from the infections in the meantime. Also, one of the anti-virals hasn't been working, so I might have to switch meds again, and it may involve a clinical trail. ughhhh. Just so much going on.
I'm currently on 12 medications, many of which I need to take 2-3 times a day. I have whole charts to follow. Sometimes I make mistakes, even with the charts.
It takes me about 15 minutes to take all my morning pills. The coffee percolates during that time, and I usually finish off 1 entire water bottle swallowing the pills.
I have to wash my hands before & after handling certain medications. My hands are raw from all the washing.
As an extra bonus, most of these meds are very hard on the stomach, to say nothing of their combined interactions.
My nurses are so great about it. I'm already thinking about cards to make them and chocolate or wine to send them when all of this is said and done. They're much more pleasant than my doctor. He's nice, but he's all gloom & doom (I appreciate and WANT the honesty, but he's harsh); meanwhile my nurses are like "C'mon Marina, you can do this! I know it's rough. Just gotta hang on for a few months and you'll be done with the meds, OK? You got this!! "
They are so optimistic with me, and NOT in that fake positivity way. They're not asking me to be happy or to find the positive in illness, or to hide my true feelings to make others feel more comfortable. They just want me to pull through the bad parts because they know there's an end to that eventually, and when I get there (and I *will* get there), that's when I get to feel normal again.
And that's when I'll be socializing again and going places and having fun again...
For now though, I'm so happy to be in my own home, my cozy cozy apartment, my kitchenette, my huge lovely bed, and of course to be here with my lovely husband who's always making me laugh, watching old shows, playing Nintendo with me, and cooking me feasts that make wonder "what did I do to deserve this?"
Feasts that make the apartment fill up with WONDERFUL, comforting, delicious scents---so relaxing & inviting.
A complete 180 from the smells of a hospital.
.
I love my home and I'm so, so, so super happy to be here.
We just gotta kick these infections and virus to the curb...scram, you little invaders!
Tuesday 17 September 2019
Oh yeah, the transplant!
So like...I make a random update about how I miss working and realize I've never written about the transplant. :P
Well....I had plenty of time to write about it, I just haven't felt like it. I'm so, so, so sick of talking about it. But let's see. I went into the hospital on August 1st and was able to go home after my UV meds at the end of each day until August 6th, the day before my transplant. Then I had to stay at the hospital as an in-patient.
I got the transplant on the 7th, and as far as procedures go, the transplant itself was "anti-climatic" as it was just basically a quick, glorified blood transfusion. But no one warned me how I'd feel afterward--it was awful. I felt totally out of it, like I wasn't even a person. I was totally nauseous, but I feel that word doesn't even come close to cutting it--I'm nauseous from chemo. This was...this was something else. It felt like a hangover x 1,000,000 mixed with the worst bad trip I've ever had times ten. I didn't even feel like a person. I know I said that already, but I can't emphasize enough how awful that feeling was and I wish someone had warned me about that! I couldn't even talk to describe how I felt because I felt so dazed and out of it (in the WORST way; not a fun drugged-up way) and I couldn't even describe to the nurses and doctors how I was feeling so that didn't help matters either, that's for sure.
Thankfully that experience only lasted about 48 hours, but it felt like an eternity. Then I gradually got better as my cells disappeared from the chemo and were replaced with the new cells from the transplant. It's kind of like induction chemo except a lot quicker, because of instead of waiting for your own, cancer-battered cells to come in, you're getting brand new cells growing in! It happened quickly, and I got to go home around day 22, if I recall correctly.
I've been home ever since and going to clinic at the hospital twice a week, and it's been exhausting. I'm immuno-suppressed and will be for 3 months minimum, and I'm on a TON of medication, many of which constantly interact with each other and do all kinds of things to my body, so my BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant) team has to keep switching then around. It's exhausting. The meds' side effects are exhausting. Going back and forth to the hospital is exhausting. Being constantly on the look out (and afraid about) GVHD is exhausting. It's all so exhausting and I'm tired and queasy all the time but I'm so glad to be at home, and that's an understatement.
And I'm so tired of talking about this, but I also know it's important to write it all down. I'll try to write more about it later.
Well....I had plenty of time to write about it, I just haven't felt like it. I'm so, so, so sick of talking about it. But let's see. I went into the hospital on August 1st and was able to go home after my UV meds at the end of each day until August 6th, the day before my transplant. Then I had to stay at the hospital as an in-patient.
I got the transplant on the 7th, and as far as procedures go, the transplant itself was "anti-climatic" as it was just basically a quick, glorified blood transfusion. But no one warned me how I'd feel afterward--it was awful. I felt totally out of it, like I wasn't even a person. I was totally nauseous, but I feel that word doesn't even come close to cutting it--I'm nauseous from chemo. This was...this was something else. It felt like a hangover x 1,000,000 mixed with the worst bad trip I've ever had times ten. I didn't even feel like a person. I know I said that already, but I can't emphasize enough how awful that feeling was and I wish someone had warned me about that! I couldn't even talk to describe how I felt because I felt so dazed and out of it (in the WORST way; not a fun drugged-up way) and I couldn't even describe to the nurses and doctors how I was feeling so that didn't help matters either, that's for sure.
Thankfully that experience only lasted about 48 hours, but it felt like an eternity. Then I gradually got better as my cells disappeared from the chemo and were replaced with the new cells from the transplant. It's kind of like induction chemo except a lot quicker, because of instead of waiting for your own, cancer-battered cells to come in, you're getting brand new cells growing in! It happened quickly, and I got to go home around day 22, if I recall correctly.
I've been home ever since and going to clinic at the hospital twice a week, and it's been exhausting. I'm immuno-suppressed and will be for 3 months minimum, and I'm on a TON of medication, many of which constantly interact with each other and do all kinds of things to my body, so my BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant) team has to keep switching then around. It's exhausting. The meds' side effects are exhausting. Going back and forth to the hospital is exhausting. Being constantly on the look out (and afraid about) GVHD is exhausting. It's all so exhausting and I'm tired and queasy all the time but I'm so glad to be at home, and that's an understatement.
And I'm so tired of talking about this, but I also know it's important to write it all down. I'll try to write more about it later.
Saturday 14 September 2019
I miss working
omg I miss working at CBC so fucking much. On Facebook, I just scrolled past a video of one of the same parts of the building I used to work in and: OH THE FEELS, as the kids say.
Ah, I miss working, period. Incidentally, I dreamt last night that I was teaching! When I woke up I was so disappointed it wasn't really happening.
11 more months til I can return to work. I can do it, I know. One day I'll be saying "remember when I was saying 1 year until, 1 year until...? And now we're a year looking back!" It just feels like such a long, long way away right now.
Ah, well. Plenty of time to work on my Japanese in the meantime. My vocabulary & kanji have expanded a crazy amount since January. I'm just gonna continue with that.
11 more months til I can return to work. I can do it, I know. One day I'll be saying "remember when I was saying 1 year until, 1 year until...? And now we're a year looking back!" It just feels like such a long, long way away right now.
Ah, well. Plenty of time to work on my Japanese in the meantime. My vocabulary & kanji have expanded a crazy amount since January. I'm just gonna continue with that.
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