S-NO.

It's snowing and I'm freaking out pretty badly as I got diagnosed and admitted to the hospital just after a snowstorm. It snowed plenty while I was in there and I didn't get to leave til winter was over. So last time I saw snow was, well...then. I didn't think I'd have this reaction to seeing snow again but BAM. There it is. It's awful and spooky and I feel like ripping my hair out and breaking things. I just feel miserable. It's a quarter to midnight and it's late but luckily I have tomorrow off as it's a meeting day for the teachers (just meetings, no classes), which subs don't get paid for, so, I get to stay home, sleep in, and rest up; all which I desperately need. My mind is certainly not resting at the moment though. Thankfully the zopiclone is kicking in...

A slow absorption

It feels like the more time that passes since the whole leukemia diagnosis & hospitalization, the worse it makes me feel when I see/hear something that makes me think about it. I'm unsure as to why this is. The only conclusion I can come up with is that enough time has passed so that it's starting to finally sink in that yes, all that horrendous crazy shit really did indeed happen to me, and the danger is still quite real. I don't know how to explain it. It's an odd situation, to feel like I'm taking steps back in terms of handling my fear, but I know (or hoping) that's not the case...I think it just might be a matter of things sinking in. I wasn't exactly prepared for this...I've been feeling better lately as I've figured out how to get a grip on my fear between blood tests and in terms of being scared of relapse. I've gone through such improvement there, so it's a little disheartening to see that now my memories are bringing more fear, and as such I'm dealing with a new problem. I wonder how many more random stages and forms of "acceptance" or ways of dealing with this await me. Unnnnghh. What happens if/when I finally totally realize and accept all the shit happened to me this year? When it all finally sinks in? What is that even going to feel like?

Comfort?

I enjoy changing around the look of this blog. I don't know why, it's fun. Right now it's notebook paper to reflect my new job. :) I don't know if I like this look that much though.  I'll probably end up changing it soon. Blogspot gives you soooo many options, and you can edit them on top of it, so...yeah. Lots of choices, haha.

It's disgustingly late. I'm waiting for my zopiclone to kick in so I can go to sleep and feel as rested as is still possible (which won't be enough) for work tomorrow and Friday. I'm watching Star Trek Voyager in the meantime. It's one of those shows I find very comforting. A part of this may be due to the fact I've been watching it late at night for over ten years now, so I may kind of associate it with going to bed. For anyone reading this right now, I wonder what TV shows bring YOU comfort? :)

Once again, "Life's Good!"

Life's gotten SO much better since I last wrote here. :) I'm now working full-time, working a contract until Christmas at an elementary school teaching my favourite grades (4, 5, and 6). Being finally employed feels SO GOOD, there are no words to describe how I feel. This (temporary) solution to my financial problems is such a huge weight off my chest, and the fact that I'm out and about and being kept busy means I'm not at home stewing about, worrying about relapsing and obsessing over bruises and coughs and what have you. It feels so good to have routine and purpose to my day, SO GOOD. The contract only goes til Christmas so when the school year resumes in January I'll be out of a job again, but I'm not worried as the other week I sent my CV out to 77 schools for subbing, and I'm getting calls from them already which I have to turn down as I'm already working at THIS school. So I'm sure I'll be able to find plenty of subbing work at that point. Either way, finances-wise, I'm helped out a LOT by the contract I'm working now. It certainly isn't easy--working full-time after being unemployed for 9.5 months is quite the shocker--but I love it. Being so exhausted certainly beats being unemployed and sad, eh? Unemployment is the worst!

I'm home today as I had day surgery yesterday. VERY minor surgery. I had an IUD put in...not the copper type, but the Mirena. Haha! My husband and I keep joking around that Marina got the Mirena! Hopefully this will FINALLY be the solution to the horrid horrid horrid monstrous subhuman fucked-up menstrual insanity I've been dealing with for the past few years. I can't remember if I wrote about that here before or not. I'm pretty sure I have, but just in case I haven't, well...as I keep telling people, I didn't beat cancer just to deal with THIS bullshit. Hellllz no. Everything else doctors have tried with me over the years hasn't worked at all (birth control, pain killers, exercises, etc.), so after all this time, Mirena was the only thing they could think of. I'm also seeing a new gynecologist at the same hospital I was admitted at for my leukemia, which is awesome as that hospital is fantastic and my last gynecologist was pretty useless. Except for the fact he brought me into this world. Yeah, he helped deliver me, how funny is that?

Coping

Ehhhh. What else can I do but drink and get high (nearly) every day. It's how I cope now. What set me off last night was wondering why I was anxious, and then this thought process: "Why am I anxious? Am I anxious about subbing? Of course not! I'm anxious about getting cancer again and dying!" So yeah that kinda brought me down, ya know?! And then I had nightmares all night. Oh, lovely! Now I've been drinking all day and I've had enough weed to kill a small elephant. Life is fantastic.

I ALMOST started working again!

So I haven't written here in awhile! (Again!) Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had two bloodtests! Yes, two. This is why: I had the first one, which was my regular scheduled blood test, and all was well. WOW was it ever nervewracking though; like last time, I was anxious on the weekend before it, more or less fine once I was at the day clinic and waiting in the room, and scared once I actually got called into the examining room and had to wait there. Like, actually shaking. But everything was fine. However, a few days later I got a REALLY bad mouthsore that hurt WAY more than the usual blisters and pains I get in my mouth. It stuck around for a few days (in fact, it's still there), and I called my nurse on the weekend. The weekend was a little insane, as I had finally worked up the guts to call a teacher I had been replacing last year to tell her that I was out of the hospital and that I could replace her again when she needed me. Why did that take 'guts'? I don't know. I was worried it would be an awkward conversation. I don't like talking to people in the working world about cancer when all I want is a job, I guess. Anyway, I got in touch with her, and she wanted to know if I could replace her that upcoming Monday, just for the afternoon. I said yes; what better way to easily step back into the subbing world by starting with just two periods in the afternoon?

So Monday morning comes and I'm getting all my subbing stuff set up, my route to the school figured out, ready to be back in the classroom after 8.5 months of being out of work, when bam, I get a call from my nurse telling me to come in right away. I was so shocked! I figured she'd tell me to do X,Y,Z with my mouthsore and if things didn't get better, THEN I'd have to come in. I actually told her I was going to start work that day, but she said it would be best if I came in immediately. So I had to cancel my first venture back in the working world. I cried after I hung up.
 
Then, I had to call the teacher to tell her I wasn't coming in to replace her even though she was expecting me in a few hours. As she was in class, all I had to do was leave a voice mail, so that was good, at least. I explained why I was backing out and how important it was that I had to get to the hospital and apologized PROFUSELY. I told her I would call her back soon with news but omg I'm not going to do that anytime soon as I just can't face her right now. I know that none of this was absolutely remotely my fault, but I still feel terrible about it. After that call, I called the school itself and spoke to secretary and explained to her the situation. She was NOT pleased. I politely explained that it was an emergency and I had to get to the hospital, but she was hearing none of it. I felt terrible, but what can ya do? You don't fuck around with cancer, no matter how badly you want a job.

I got to the hospital by foot (the weather was nice) and I had to wait quite awhile as they were PACKED. My mom came to meet me there too, and while we were waiting, we wandered into the hallway where a girl about my age with hair of approximately the same hair length as mine (which leads me to wonder if she's about in the same point in her treatments as me), came running out into the hall on her phone crying. She started pressing the elevator button frantically and then started sobbing, turned around and kicked the door to the stairwell open, and fled. Everyone standing in the hall just went silent. It was obvious what had happened to her. Her cancer had come back. I felt so horrible in away I never felt horrible for anyone before.

Luckily for me, the outcome of my day was far better. My blood test came out with excellent results yet again, and my oncologist looked at my mouthsore and determined it wasn't a mouthsore at all. He said it looked like I had BITTEN myself (my nurse thought the same thing!). Apparently I had bitten myself in my sleep (damn hard?!) but for some reason the pain only started in the late afternoon/early evening. How random. Either way, it's apparently nothing to worry about, as my blood tests are great and he said he doesn't even need to swab it; he can tell that's all it is. And my oncologist is NOT one to sugarcoat things, oh ho ho no, I'll tell ya that!

So I went home relieved, but that poor girl didn't.  I feel so bad. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I went out that evening to run errands with my husband downtown, and we had fun, but...what about her? What was she doing? How was she feeling? And her family? And her friends? I felt so sad. I didn't exaclty feel guilty...but...I sort of did too, you know? I'm not sure what the right word I'm looking for is.

As I mentioned earlier in the post, my mouthsore still hurts, but the pain has gone wayyy down. I also got a pretty bad cold a couple of days ago, and the combination of the cold and mouth pain sure would have given me a scare that would terrify me beyond words (and that's an understatement!) if I hadn't gone in and gotten those excellent results on the blood tests. I just had 2 other colds in the past month, and frequent colds is a bad sign, but my bloods seem to be good, sooo...yay? Besides, I've ALWAYS been super susceptible to colds. This is nothing new in my world. :P

Happy Halloween (one day belated!) to anyone reading this, btw. I'm SO happy I got to go out last night, lingering cold or no. I felt like shit all day today because of it (which is weird, as I didn't get wasted or anything), but whatever, it was all worth it either way, as I had a lot of fun and Halloween is my favourite day of the year. :) Today I just rested up and tomorrow evening is the Rocky Horror Picture Show! I love this time of year so much!