A slow absorption

It feels like the more time that passes since the whole leukemia diagnosis & hospitalization, the worse it makes me feel when I see/hear something that makes me think about it. I'm unsure as to why this is. The only conclusion I can come up with is that enough time has passed so that it's starting to finally sink in that yes, all that horrendous crazy shit really did indeed happen to me, and the danger is still quite real. I don't know how to explain it. It's an odd situation, to feel like I'm taking steps back in terms of handling my fear, but I know (or hoping) that's not the case...I think it just might be a matter of things sinking in. I wasn't exactly prepared for this...I've been feeling better lately as I've figured out how to get a grip on my fear between blood tests and in terms of being scared of relapse. I've gone through such improvement there, so it's a little disheartening to see that now my memories are bringing more fear, and as such I'm dealing with a new problem. I wonder how many more random stages and forms of "acceptance" or ways of dealing with this await me. Unnnnghh. What happens if/when I finally totally realize and accept all the shit happened to me this year? When it all finally sinks in? What is that even going to feel like?