The ICU stories

It's Saturday night and I'm still waiting for my bone marrow test results from Tuesday. I had a biopsy at the same time and I still don't know what the results are.

I'm going to tell a story about something that happened to me while I was doing my 2nd round of induction chemo in April. One night, my blood pressure dropped suddenly out of nowhere, and it wouldn't go back up. The nurses had to keep checking every hour and were so worried that they had to contact ICU and the ICU team followed me for a bit. My nurse had me change into a nightgown, because she said, "we don't know what's going to happen" and it would be a shame if they had to cut open "my super cool Spider-Man shirt" if they needed quick access to my chest. What the fuck!
Also, because they didn't know what was going to happen next, she told me it would be best if I called my husband to come to the hospital. So I did. It was all so surreal.
The ICU team assessed me and kept a close eye on me, but thankfully in a couple of days by blood pressure went back on its own and I didn't need to visit the ICU after all. They had been worried about kidney failure but thankfully that didn't happen.
I did, however, end up getting C-diff., followed by a couple of other infections which was a blessing in disguise, because I ended up getting an isolation room to myself for the rest of my stay, and it was AMAAAAAZING. I was actually able to get some rest and NOT wake up in a ball of stress every morning!

This reminds me of a sort of similar situation that happened in 2013, during consolidation chemo, when my body went into shock and I ended up being out for 3 days. I blacked out on Sunday and woke up on Wednesday. Once again, the ICU team came up to assess me and follow me and once again I didn't have to end up there, but it was a similar situation in that my blood pressure was dropping like crazy. It was a bit different though, because it all started with a crazy fast heartbeat; I woke up that Sunday with my heart racing, as if I woke up in the middle of running up & down stairs in a mess of feverish thoughts (my mind was utter gibberish, it was weeeird).
I remember just as I was blacking out, I saw my blood pressure numbers dropping and my heart rate going up up up....what a sight! SO many different thoughts and feelings went through my head.
I kind of came to/in and out over the next few days in a feverish confusion but didn't fully wake up until Wednesday. That was some crazy shit. Turns out it was septic shock.

So chemo is just super fun, ya know? This is why I'm always so scared to go in and get chemo, and why in some ways I'm more afraid of the chemo than the cancer itself, which I know may sound weird, but hopefully these stories make it a bit understandable!

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I'm having a really hard time picturing the future and I know that's a fucked-up thing to say, but I gotta say it somewhere, because it's terrifying.

I get discharged on Tuesday and return as an out-patient on Friday for my bone marrow test; I'll get the results the following week to find out if the chemo worked. I really hope it did, because if not, well, I mean...