Just came back from Toronto/Trawnna/T-dot/Hogtown/whatever you wish to call it.
Lease is signed! We got the first place we applied to, which wasn't our first choice, but definitely not our last, either. It was definitely high on our list, which is good. We would've been much happier about it if wasn't for the last place we saw, which was AMAZING; definitely too good to be true. In fact, so good that if I had seen photos of it online, I'd think it was a scam for sure. Yet there were inside of it, going through it with our own bodies, looking at it with our own eyes. It was so big it was practically a HOUSE. I'm not even kidding. It was two levels; it had an upstairs and a downstairs, and it was roughly the same price as the other apartments we had been looking at, although it had no utilities included. But it'd be worth the cost. The place was freakin'
amazing. Never in all my years of apartment hunting had I ever seen a place like that. And it was in a fantastic part of town--Cabbagetown! My favourite part of Toronto, actually. We were looking around it in awe, not being able to believe our find, and the guy wasn't even done showing us every nook and cranny, when we asked "so, can we apply?" We were so enamored by the place. He had gone to his car to get the application when Mike got a call on his cell from the first place we had applied to. I was actually hoping she would say we didn't get the apartment; that's how amazing this place was. But she told us we got it. I was actually surprised when Mike waved at me and told me to tell the guy never mind about the application; I thought maybe he'd want to take a chance and apply anyway. But I also realized that wasn't a great idea, as we would lose our deposit on the first apartment. And what if we didn't get this place? Then we'd be stuck with no apartment at all, and it was our last day before we had to leave Toronto. (Seriously, we were starting to panic.) The guy seemed surprised, and asked what I thought of the other apartment compared to this one. I told him I liked this place much better, and he said "take this one, then!" and I told him we couldn't. As Mike and I walked away from that wonderland, we talked about how happy we were that we no longer had to search for an apartment, but then we started to wonder if we really made the right decision. I mean, that place was beautiful. Beyond beautiful. I've never seen anything like it. It's the type of place that if anyone saw it, they'd say "you'd be CRAZY not to take it." Especially compared to the place we got; our place was genuinely, truly half the size. It could fit on *one* of the floors, and believe me, that is not even a slight exaggeration. And it's so dark and cavernous (it's a basement) and not big and beautiful and house-like. It's like turning down a fancy sushi dinner for McDonald's.
We went back to the Air BnB not feeling that great; instead of celebrating, we were just kind of depressed about the whole thing. If only she had called to tell us we were approved like a half hour earlier; then we never would've seen this apartment, and we'd never know what we were missing! And it's not like we wouldn't have gotten it if we HAD applied; our credit is fine, he already knew our job situation, and he hadn't said anyone else had applied. But we had just panicked, we didn't want to risk not having any apartment at all! After sleeping on it, we didn't feel any better. I just felt worse. I've been apartment hunting quite a few times in my life, and there's always that amazing apartment you don't get, and it sucks, and you're disappointed, and you remember it, but you get over it. But this wasn't like that. It wasn't a great place we tried for and didn't get. It was a great place we turned down in the spur of the moment. Had it been a place we were rejected for, we'd talk about it and be like "remember that awesome place we didn't get? ahhh", and then get on with our day. But this was a choice we made ourselves. And it felt like it was the wrong one.
I've made some mistakes, and some decisions I regret making, but usually I'm pretty good at bouncing back; I'll understand it's a mistake and these things happen. I know this sounds corny, but I'll seriously usually see it as a learning opportunity. But this time, this one time, I couldn't. All I could think was, what the hell did we just do?
Then Mike had to leave for Newfoundland to start rehearsals for his new contract, and I had to spend the last day in Toronto on my own, so the weight and regret of our decision just weighed down on me so much more. I really felt like garbage. I was shocked at my reaction to the whole situation; I understand regretting a decision, but I felt absolute disgust with myself. I spent most of the day just lying on the couch. I felt so horrified with myself that I actually looked in the thesaurus for a word to describe how I was feeling. But I couldn't find anything better than remorse and disgust, really.
The next day I had to go back to Montreal, and I was already starting to feel a bit better. By the time I got back here I felt even better, and the next day I felt a LOT better. Now I'm feeling much better about the decision in general. The
Awesome Amazing Cabbagetown Palace other apartment was $100 more a month, which doesn't sound like much, but would've added up quickly. Plus, hydro wasn't included (it's included at the place we got). To say that also would've added up quickly is an understatement. Not to mention the bills would probably be insane to heat a place that size. Also, we would have lost our deposit at this place, so we'd already be out a few hundred just to begin with, when we're already pretty freakin' poor and moving to this really expensive city
with no jobs to begin with.
Also, I'm feeling better about our reaction in general. I mean, all apartment applications require (rather hefty) deposits in Toronto. (Yeah, it's illegal, but everyone does it. What can you do?) As such, we can only apply to one place at once. When it comes down to the last freakin' day we're there and we have to leave the province the next day, and we're worried we're not going to have a place to live, it's not unreasonable to turn down all other appointments and places we're looking at as soon as the place we've applied to FINALLY calls us to tell us we got the apartment, especially in the heat of the moment. Plus, we've been so meticulous and careful about all our apartment searching, being picky about so many things, thoroughly checking all the places for things like bed bugs, etc, so it's not like we've been doing this in a careless manner. So, I'm much more okay with this now (or at least, I've convinced myself that I am). It would have been nice to get the beautiful house-like place, but at least we have a place to live, and at least it's a place that we actually wanted; we were so close to having to leave, and getting so desperate, that we were really about to start lowering our standards in terms of where to apply to--not in cleanliness, but in terms of distance and size. The place we got is in a super awesome neighbourhood; the Annex! VERY close to downtown, which is what we wanted, and I honestly didn't think we'd be able to achieve. Also, we're truly a 2-minute walk from a subway station. I've never lived so close to a subway station in my life! That's pretty amazing.
I'm just not used to feeling regret like that. I'm usually very careful with decisions, and when I make mistakes, I like to think I'm pretty good at accepting them. This time was the first time in a long time I just felt like I couldn't come to terms with what I had done, and I was very surprised with myself; both with my decision, and with how difficult it was to get over it.
