So, the new Star Wars movie? I loved it! It was so much fun.
I'm going to blab about it here with spoilers, so in case someone is reading this, and hasn't seen it yet, be warned, there are spoilers here!
(One more spoiler space, just in case.)
OK. So yeah. I thought the movie was a lot of fun, and to quote something a lot of people have been saying, it takes the bad taste out of your mouth that the prequels left. Now THIS is how you do a Star Wars movie! Although one of the reasons it may have worked so well is that it's essentially the first movie. Mike pointed that out to me after it was done and I was like "....hahah, that's true." Like, instead of a Death Star, you have that sun-thing. And Han Solo pretty much takes Obi Wan's place. (Sad, but I guess it had to happen.)
I love how much music from the original trilogy was used, and I love how it was used.
I love, love, LOVE BB-8! He is just the cutest! I am totally in love with him. I want my own BB-8 so badly. Why can't he be real?! ahhh....<3
I love all the characters! And look, characters with personalities! (As opposed to the prequels, heh.) I love both Rey and Finn so much. Kylo Ren is...interesting. What an asshole though. :P I wasn't hugely fond of Poe, but thankfully he doesn't stick around too long.
I love that Finn is a stormtrooper. I mean, I knew all that from the ads and the hype, but I kind of forgot about it, and I didn't think about how that would shape his story. It's really cool (I thought).
I'm so happy they managed to stick in a "I have a bad feeling about this", and that it was Han who said it. ^__^
Did I mention how much I love BB-8?
Chewbacca was wonderful! I love the scene where the nurse is tending to him and she's like "wow, that sounds really scary!", you can tell she's just heard so many stories that day. It's just such a cute moment. There were lots of cute moments.
I love the dynamic between Rey and Finn. I didn't at first, I found them kind of overly coy, but then I warmed up to them. I am so happy there was no random romance thrown in for the sake of romance. Yay!
I definitely have more to say, but that's all I can think of for now off the top of my head. I would definitely go see this again. It's great to see in a theater, needless to say...I mean, c'mon. It's Star Wars! Also, a fun bonus: the cinema we went to see it in ended up being one of those super old retro cinemas. How fitting, for a franchise from the 1970s. It was just such a perfect setting. We didn't know that going in; this was our first movie-going experience since we've moved to Toronto. And what a great one it was!
Tuesday 22 December 2015
7 years of Twilight Princess
So much to talk about! I'm on holiday, finally...which makes me realize that since I've last updated, I've started working full-time. Well, 2 part-time jobs that equal 1 job when put together, I guess. But has it really been so long since I last wrote here? If the last time I updated was around Halloween, then I guess so!
So, on the subject of long amounts of time, I finally beat Twilight Princess, a game I've been playing for seven years. Why seven years? Because I sometimes I hated that game (and no, I don't think hate is too strong a word!). I hated it so much I'd have to step away from it and take breaks from it that lasted months at a time. But even though I felt like I'd give it up, I'd always come back for more. I guess because it's a Zelda game. No way could I have had this kind of dedication or drive with any other series. It's the Zelda universe that gave me motivation to keep returning to this game and vow to beat it, even when I didn't want to. And seven years later, I did. Even when there were so many times when I didn't think I would. And when I was first diagnosed with leukemia, I had serious doubts about living long enough to beat the game. So to say it means a lot to me to complete this game, to see this challenge all the way through, is quite an understatement. ^_^;;
Seven years is such a long time. When I first started off on this adventure, I was still a student. I was still living in Verdun. It was another lifetime back then! So different. It's such a crazy feeling to know this game is finally completed. Also, seven years is a long time to have a project like this going, to always know I had this game as an option as something to work on or something to do. It's going to take some getting used to, to know that it's now done with.
I finished the game at 3 AM last night! I was quite wired afterward and didn't go to bed until almost 5. Luckily I didn't have to get up early today, but that didn't mean I had no plans today. Quite the opposite; I finally went to see the new Star Wars movie! But, that'll be a separate post...
So, on the subject of long amounts of time, I finally beat Twilight Princess, a game I've been playing for seven years. Why seven years? Because I sometimes I hated that game (and no, I don't think hate is too strong a word!). I hated it so much I'd have to step away from it and take breaks from it that lasted months at a time. But even though I felt like I'd give it up, I'd always come back for more. I guess because it's a Zelda game. No way could I have had this kind of dedication or drive with any other series. It's the Zelda universe that gave me motivation to keep returning to this game and vow to beat it, even when I didn't want to. And seven years later, I did. Even when there were so many times when I didn't think I would. And when I was first diagnosed with leukemia, I had serious doubts about living long enough to beat the game. So to say it means a lot to me to complete this game, to see this challenge all the way through, is quite an understatement. ^_^;;
Seven years is such a long time. When I first started off on this adventure, I was still a student. I was still living in Verdun. It was another lifetime back then! So different. It's such a crazy feeling to know this game is finally completed. Also, seven years is a long time to have a project like this going, to always know I had this game as an option as something to work on or something to do. It's going to take some getting used to, to know that it's now done with.
I finished the game at 3 AM last night! I was quite wired afterward and didn't go to bed until almost 5. Luckily I didn't have to get up early today, but that didn't mean I had no plans today. Quite the opposite; I finally went to see the new Star Wars movie! But, that'll be a separate post...
Sunday 1 November 2015
Halloween 2015!
Happy Halloween! I woke up on Halloween, pretty much my favourite day of the year, sick with a very bad cold! So I couldn't go out to celebrate. I had to stay home, which really sucked. On the bright side, I got to eat snacks and watch cartoons in my pajamas. I pretty much do that every day anyway, but it was still not too bad. I also studied some Japanese, so that was really good. It also didn't hurt that I spent the evening on a nice Tylenol PM buzz. Now that's not something I can do every day. ;)
As for my costume, I was going to wear a kigurumi anyway, so I actually wore that for part of the night, as they're pretty much (just like really cute & decorative) pajamas anyway. I got it at FanExpo in September and I actually hadn't gotten a chance to wear it yet. Budgie!
Today I'm still sick, but by the time it became evening, after being cooped up all day in this dark apartment (it's a basement and we get absolutely no sunlight at all in here), I just HAD to go for a walk! As per usual lately, I discovered new streets and little neighbourhoods that I've never seen before. Well, I've only been here two months, and this city is sooooo extremely huge, so I guess that's normal! It's so exciting. I wandered down a huge alley that was 3-4 blocks long & decorated so cutely. (It reminded me a bit of Osaka!) It was so serene: just me, the alleyway, Please Save My Earth on my earphones, the city lights above...I felt so cozy & creatively-inspired. I'm really, really, really loving exploring this city, it's really hard to put it into words...
As for my costume, I was going to wear a kigurumi anyway, so I actually wore that for part of the night, as they're pretty much (just like really cute & decorative) pajamas anyway. I got it at FanExpo in September and I actually hadn't gotten a chance to wear it yet. Budgie!
Today I'm still sick, but by the time it became evening, after being cooped up all day in this dark apartment (it's a basement and we get absolutely no sunlight at all in here), I just HAD to go for a walk! As per usual lately, I discovered new streets and little neighbourhoods that I've never seen before. Well, I've only been here two months, and this city is sooooo extremely huge, so I guess that's normal! It's so exciting. I wandered down a huge alley that was 3-4 blocks long & decorated so cutely. (It reminded me a bit of Osaka!) It was so serene: just me, the alleyway, Please Save My Earth on my earphones, the city lights above...I felt so cozy & creatively-inspired. I'm really, really, really loving exploring this city, it's really hard to put it into words...
Saturday 24 October 2015
Tales of Teaching, Tutoring, Toronto, & Trudeau
Toronto continues to be awesome. Employment, for me, not so much; I have a few hours a week teaching & tutoring (and I just got a couple of hours added, yay!), but it's nowhere near enough to pay the rent. Luckily Mike is making about 8 times what I make. Oh well. I just went for an interview in the wilds of Etobicoke, which despite its vastly different terrain, isn't that far to get to by public transit. I have a follow-up interview on Tuesday, so we'll see how that goes.
My dear sweet country has a new Prime Minister, so change is in the air. Although I didn't vote for Trudeau, and I am skeptical about him, I have to admit I'm starting to warm up to the guy. For many different reasons. Oh and hey. Did you know he's changing the law so that gay people can now donate blood? Oh wow. So all you assholes who refused to donate blood under the deeply misguided ~plan~ that it was some kind of "protest" against this old act, guess what? You can get your slacktavist asses off the couch and go give blood now. Though who am I kidding, you'll just find another excuse to not give blood. You clearly don't want to help us cancer patients for real. Although you'll claim that you do, because I've seen you folks change your profile pics on Facebook to comic book heroes to "raise awareness for childhood cancers" even though that doesn't mean a thing. You know what DOES mean something? Making a difference. You know what makes a difference? Donating blood or money to a cause. If you're not interested in helping out a cause, that's seriously, genuinely fine; we've all got lives to live, and there's so many causes out there, how do we choose which one to help? But don't say you actually care, and then pull this shit. Changing your profile pic, the most useless and lazy thing ever, but refusing to donate a penny or a drop of blood ~on principle~. Fuck you, seriously. I've defriended people over this, and it's better this way. Protesting by refusing to give blood. What kind of piece of shit do you have to be, to pull such a thing? There's so many ways to protest the harmful, homophobic act of banning gay people from donating blood, but doing so by refusing to donate blood? An act which only hurts innocent people? That's gotta be the most disturbing, disgusting, low-life thing I've heard in a long time.
Haha, this turned into a rant. And, true story: this is the edited, nice version of how I feel!
My dear sweet country has a new Prime Minister, so change is in the air. Although I didn't vote for Trudeau, and I am skeptical about him, I have to admit I'm starting to warm up to the guy. For many different reasons. Oh and hey. Did you know he's changing the law so that gay people can now donate blood? Oh wow. So all you assholes who refused to donate blood under the deeply misguided ~plan~ that it was some kind of "protest" against this old act, guess what? You can get your slacktavist asses off the couch and go give blood now. Though who am I kidding, you'll just find another excuse to not give blood. You clearly don't want to help us cancer patients for real. Although you'll claim that you do, because I've seen you folks change your profile pics on Facebook to comic book heroes to "raise awareness for childhood cancers" even though that doesn't mean a thing. You know what DOES mean something? Making a difference. You know what makes a difference? Donating blood or money to a cause. If you're not interested in helping out a cause, that's seriously, genuinely fine; we've all got lives to live, and there's so many causes out there, how do we choose which one to help? But don't say you actually care, and then pull this shit. Changing your profile pic, the most useless and lazy thing ever, but refusing to donate a penny or a drop of blood ~on principle~. Fuck you, seriously. I've defriended people over this, and it's better this way. Protesting by refusing to give blood. What kind of piece of shit do you have to be, to pull such a thing? There's so many ways to protest the harmful, homophobic act of banning gay people from donating blood, but doing so by refusing to donate blood? An act which only hurts innocent people? That's gotta be the most disturbing, disgusting, low-life thing I've heard in a long time.
Haha, this turned into a rant. And, true story: this is the edited, nice version of how I feel!
Saturday 19 September 2015
FanExpo!
Finally getting around to making that FanExpo post!
Well, Mike and I worked there for 4 days, and I had an amazing time. Because we worked there, we got to attend the Expo for free, so we totally explored like crazy on our breaks or if we finished early. It was so much fun. We wouldn't have gotten to go otherwise. The first thing I noticed is how incredibly MASSIVE it is! First of all, there were 2 buildings; the North Building and the South Building. We worked in the South Building. But even within each Building, there were multiple floors. And on each floor, multiple rooms. I was overwhelmed! In Montreal, all cons and expos are shoved into one room, even the big ones. I had never been to anything of this magnitude before. Right away I got a taste of just how BIG Toronto does...well, everything!
I love cons and expos in general, to say nothing of fandom-focused ones. To be surrounded by like-minded people--many of them in amazing cosplay of characters I just adore--it's just such a fantastic feeling. You can really feel the energy and passion coming off everyone! I found everybody so incredibly friendly and approachable, and I spoke to so many super awesome people. And the costumes. Oh, the costumes! Such terrific cosplay. There were hundreds upon hundreds of Jokers, Harley Quinns, Doctors, and Spidermans, and quite a few Links, Sailor Moons, zombies, and Jedi, but there were also tons of rarer, more unique costumes--Anthy from Utena! Misato from Evangelion! I did a fistbump with an incredibly accurate Bayamax from Big Hero 6, and chatted up an Advent Children-style Tifa and Cloud. Ah, there's so many I'm forgetting! But it was amazing. I'm including the super common costumes in the category of "amazing", of course. It doesn't matter how many other people cosplay the same character as you--just the fact you're dressing up and going out there in costume (and sometimes in character, too!) is beyond lovely, to me. I love it. I love these people.
And the booths! So many exciting things to see. I got to finally buy my first kigurumi! From a company from Montreal, ironically. I've been wanting to buy from them for awhile. I bought a budgie kigu. I know what I'm being for Halloween! ;) And the art booths...so wonderful. I love seeing fans' artwork. I talked to so many cool people and saw so many wonderful things. Amazing portraits of Zelda boss battles. Family Guy and old-school Simpsons coin purses. Cat capes. Nintendo-themed cutting boards (one was a giant question mark block!). Actual moving mechanical animals. And EarthBound. I found people who did EarthBound art! And while I have a special fondness for the art booths (I think it's called Artists' Alley?...hmm, more like Artists' Gymnasium, with the amount of space they take up, with all their awesome stuff), I loved seeing all the gaming and movie-themed booths as well.
On the last day of the Expo, we didn't start til much later, so we went to the North Building, where all the autograph signings and photo ops were. I saw Rupert Grint from a distance and got awfully excited! Can you see him in the picture? I'd be amazed if you could. ;)
Everyone was crowding around the booth I was at with their phones, trying to get a pic of him. The bathrooms on this floor were right in between some of the booths, so when I left the bathroom, I walked right past Neve Cambell! It was really weird, but cool. She looks exactly the same as she did back in the day! I loved the Scream movies. And who could forget Catwalk?
Anyway, Mike and I went to see Jeri Ryan as we are HUGE fans; we are both WAY into Voyager (we both consider it our favourite Star Trek series, actually--yeah, I know, bring on the hate! lol), and Seven of Nine happens to be our favourite character. So we went to her photo op! It was really exciting. She is even more beautiful in real life than she is on TV! She told Mike she liked his hair which I couldn't stop giggling about after. It was a really great moment, I'm so glad we went! Also, Chandler Riggs walked by me when I was waiting in line, so that was pretty neat, too.
Yeah, there's a flash on it; taking a photo of a photo is kind of difficult. ;)
The North Building had so much cool stuff that the South Building didn't have; in addition to the autographs and photo ops, the shops and booths were quite different, and there was a lot of Doctor Who stuff set up, which I'd have taken a picture with if I hadn't done so already at ComicCon in Montreal back in 2013. I also found Sailor Moon's wand! ;)
By far the coolest shop in the North Building though was this little kiosk that sold genuine, legit retro items from the 1980s (and older)! I saw so many things from my childhood, it was amazing. And I do mean actually from the 1980s; not modern-made hip nostalgia stuff. Actual stuff from 30+ years ago.
I had this exact E.T. when I was little. I couldn't believe my eyes! And check out that Pac-Man. Whaat! o__O
Look at all this stuff. Up near the top toward the middle is something called a Keyper (the white creature with a purple shell and blue hair that kinda looks My Little Pony-ish. If you follow that creepy doll's gaze, it's kinda looking in the Keyper's direction). I used to have one of those.
They even had a Polkaroo! How Canadian can you get?
I am really happy and grateful we got the opportunity to work at FanExpo. I was on a high the entire time I was there. All this cosplay makes me want to dress up really badly, and I guess the timing is perfect for that--just a few weeks until Halloween! Ooh, my first Halloween in Toronto. I can't wait!I gotta find where the Rocky Horror Picture Show is...
Well, Mike and I worked there for 4 days, and I had an amazing time. Because we worked there, we got to attend the Expo for free, so we totally explored like crazy on our breaks or if we finished early. It was so much fun. We wouldn't have gotten to go otherwise. The first thing I noticed is how incredibly MASSIVE it is! First of all, there were 2 buildings; the North Building and the South Building. We worked in the South Building. But even within each Building, there were multiple floors. And on each floor, multiple rooms. I was overwhelmed! In Montreal, all cons and expos are shoved into one room, even the big ones. I had never been to anything of this magnitude before. Right away I got a taste of just how BIG Toronto does...well, everything!
I love cons and expos in general, to say nothing of fandom-focused ones. To be surrounded by like-minded people--many of them in amazing cosplay of characters I just adore--it's just such a fantastic feeling. You can really feel the energy and passion coming off everyone! I found everybody so incredibly friendly and approachable, and I spoke to so many super awesome people. And the costumes. Oh, the costumes! Such terrific cosplay. There were hundreds upon hundreds of Jokers, Harley Quinns, Doctors, and Spidermans, and quite a few Links, Sailor Moons, zombies, and Jedi, but there were also tons of rarer, more unique costumes--Anthy from Utena! Misato from Evangelion! I did a fistbump with an incredibly accurate Bayamax from Big Hero 6, and chatted up an Advent Children-style Tifa and Cloud. Ah, there's so many I'm forgetting! But it was amazing. I'm including the super common costumes in the category of "amazing", of course. It doesn't matter how many other people cosplay the same character as you--just the fact you're dressing up and going out there in costume (and sometimes in character, too!) is beyond lovely, to me. I love it. I love these people.
And the booths! So many exciting things to see. I got to finally buy my first kigurumi! From a company from Montreal, ironically. I've been wanting to buy from them for awhile. I bought a budgie kigu. I know what I'm being for Halloween! ;) And the art booths...so wonderful. I love seeing fans' artwork. I talked to so many cool people and saw so many wonderful things. Amazing portraits of Zelda boss battles. Family Guy and old-school Simpsons coin purses. Cat capes. Nintendo-themed cutting boards (one was a giant question mark block!). Actual moving mechanical animals. And EarthBound. I found people who did EarthBound art! And while I have a special fondness for the art booths (I think it's called Artists' Alley?...hmm, more like Artists' Gymnasium, with the amount of space they take up, with all their awesome stuff), I loved seeing all the gaming and movie-themed booths as well.
On the last day of the Expo, we didn't start til much later, so we went to the North Building, where all the autograph signings and photo ops were. I saw Rupert Grint from a distance and got awfully excited! Can you see him in the picture? I'd be amazed if you could. ;)
Everyone was crowding around the booth I was at with their phones, trying to get a pic of him. The bathrooms on this floor were right in between some of the booths, so when I left the bathroom, I walked right past Neve Cambell! It was really weird, but cool. She looks exactly the same as she did back in the day! I loved the Scream movies. And who could forget Catwalk?
Anyway, Mike and I went to see Jeri Ryan as we are HUGE fans; we are both WAY into Voyager (we both consider it our favourite Star Trek series, actually--yeah, I know, bring on the hate! lol), and Seven of Nine happens to be our favourite character. So we went to her photo op! It was really exciting. She is even more beautiful in real life than she is on TV! She told Mike she liked his hair which I couldn't stop giggling about after. It was a really great moment, I'm so glad we went! Also, Chandler Riggs walked by me when I was waiting in line, so that was pretty neat, too.
Yeah, there's a flash on it; taking a photo of a photo is kind of difficult. ;)
The North Building had so much cool stuff that the South Building didn't have; in addition to the autographs and photo ops, the shops and booths were quite different, and there was a lot of Doctor Who stuff set up, which I'd have taken a picture with if I hadn't done so already at ComicCon in Montreal back in 2013. I also found Sailor Moon's wand! ;)
By far the coolest shop in the North Building though was this little kiosk that sold genuine, legit retro items from the 1980s (and older)! I saw so many things from my childhood, it was amazing. And I do mean actually from the 1980s; not modern-made hip nostalgia stuff. Actual stuff from 30+ years ago.
I had this exact E.T. when I was little. I couldn't believe my eyes! And check out that Pac-Man. Whaat! o__O
Look at all this stuff. Up near the top toward the middle is something called a Keyper (the white creature with a purple shell and blue hair that kinda looks My Little Pony-ish. If you follow that creepy doll's gaze, it's kinda looking in the Keyper's direction). I used to have one of those.
They even had a Polkaroo! How Canadian can you get?
I am really happy and grateful we got the opportunity to work at FanExpo. I was on a high the entire time I was there. All this cosplay makes me want to dress up really badly, and I guess the timing is perfect for that--just a few weeks until Halloween! Ooh, my first Halloween in Toronto. I can't wait!I gotta find where the Rocky Horror Picture Show is...
Tuesday 8 September 2015
Torontolicious Tales
So we're settled into our new place in Toronto, in a nice neighbourhood called the Annex. It's really close to downtown, and as I discovered today, about 10-minute walk from Yorkville. If you're familiar with Toronto, you know where that is. If you're not, Yorkville is a really posh part of town with cutesy expensive-for-no-reason shops and cafes, bars, very visually appealing super narrow walkways, and a snobby suburban feel that I get such a kick out of, as you walk another 5 minutes and boom! You're on Bloor street, near Bay and Yonge, which is skyscraper central.
Toronto is such a diverse mix of non-stop forever moving busy-for-the-sake-of-busy utter lunacy. I can definitely understand why someone wouldn't want to live here; big cities are not for everyone. I dared to hesitate for maybe half a second at a major transfer subway station one day and nearly got trampled. But I adapt quickly to picking up a city's vibe because I love. Big. Cities. I live for this stuff. I've always wanted to live in a big city ever since I was a small child, and growing up in Montreal, I always felt fortunate to at least live in a proper city (and a really awesome one at that!), even though it wasn't a very big one. I've always wanted to live in one of those skyscraper-laden labyrinthine concrete mini-universes that have buildings that disappear into the horizon, perhaps serving as our generation's precursor to a Blade Runner LA type deal, or even Coruscant. I can't foresee myself living in Shanghai (yet), and Tokyo's off the table for the time being, but for now, places like New York and Toronto will most certainly do.
I can't wait to explore more of it and see what this city has to offer. So far it's been beyond great. I feel like I belong here, and today I said as much to Mike. It's so weird. I've never felt that way before. As much as I love Montreal, I am so glad to leave it as Mike and I both have such wanderlust and just can't stay put. I feel finally moving at 34 is so late in life to be doing so, although for what it's worth we would have moved two years ago if it weren't for my cancer. But still, a lot of people get up and move when they're in their late teens or early 20s and here we are, mid-30s and finally changing up cities for the first time? Ha! Well, certainly better late than never, and that's an understatement. This feeling is incredible. It's like I've been wearing the same jacket or sweater for forever because I love it so much and I'm so comfortable in it and it's grown to fit me just right after all this time, stretching out to my shape. But it's starting to fray at the ends and the colours are fading and suddenly I buy a new jacket and of course it'll never replace my old original jacket, not my jacket I grew up with, with all its sentimental value, but wow, does it ever feel amazing to have a brand new jacket to wear that isn't all tattered, that I haven't worn 8 billion times. I didn't realize how tired I was of wearing the old one til I tried on something brand new, new and fresh which I can style in so many different ways I never even imagined. It's so new and shiny and sparkly, I feel so rejuvenated in a new outfit. I realize it's finally time to move on and try something new, something different.
...I don't know, maybe this is a terrible comparison. But it's what popped into my head first. I'll have to think of something better to help describe how I feel about changing cities and starting a new life here. But suffice is to say, so far I love it so much. I have so much exploring to do. I didn't do too much of that yet as pretty much as soon as we got here, we started working a little gig at FanExpo, which I mentioned in my last post. Now THAT was quite the experience! A post about that shall be next. :)
Toronto is such a diverse mix of non-stop forever moving busy-for-the-sake-of-busy utter lunacy. I can definitely understand why someone wouldn't want to live here; big cities are not for everyone. I dared to hesitate for maybe half a second at a major transfer subway station one day and nearly got trampled. But I adapt quickly to picking up a city's vibe because I love. Big. Cities. I live for this stuff. I've always wanted to live in a big city ever since I was a small child, and growing up in Montreal, I always felt fortunate to at least live in a proper city (and a really awesome one at that!), even though it wasn't a very big one. I've always wanted to live in one of those skyscraper-laden labyrinthine concrete mini-universes that have buildings that disappear into the horizon, perhaps serving as our generation's precursor to a Blade Runner LA type deal, or even Coruscant. I can't foresee myself living in Shanghai (yet), and Tokyo's off the table for the time being, but for now, places like New York and Toronto will most certainly do.
I can't wait to explore more of it and see what this city has to offer. So far it's been beyond great. I feel like I belong here, and today I said as much to Mike. It's so weird. I've never felt that way before. As much as I love Montreal, I am so glad to leave it as Mike and I both have such wanderlust and just can't stay put. I feel finally moving at 34 is so late in life to be doing so, although for what it's worth we would have moved two years ago if it weren't for my cancer. But still, a lot of people get up and move when they're in their late teens or early 20s and here we are, mid-30s and finally changing up cities for the first time? Ha! Well, certainly better late than never, and that's an understatement. This feeling is incredible. It's like I've been wearing the same jacket or sweater for forever because I love it so much and I'm so comfortable in it and it's grown to fit me just right after all this time, stretching out to my shape. But it's starting to fray at the ends and the colours are fading and suddenly I buy a new jacket and of course it'll never replace my old original jacket, not my jacket I grew up with, with all its sentimental value, but wow, does it ever feel amazing to have a brand new jacket to wear that isn't all tattered, that I haven't worn 8 billion times. I didn't realize how tired I was of wearing the old one til I tried on something brand new, new and fresh which I can style in so many different ways I never even imagined. It's so new and shiny and sparkly, I feel so rejuvenated in a new outfit. I realize it's finally time to move on and try something new, something different.
...I don't know, maybe this is a terrible comparison. But it's what popped into my head first. I'll have to think of something better to help describe how I feel about changing cities and starting a new life here. But suffice is to say, so far I love it so much. I have so much exploring to do. I didn't do too much of that yet as pretty much as soon as we got here, we started working a little gig at FanExpo, which I mentioned in my last post. Now THAT was quite the experience! A post about that shall be next. :)
Monday 17 August 2015
Living in a labyrinth of boxes
Ah, moving is so stressful! I'm actually glad that my husband is currently away on tour, because I have no idea how we'd have room for the two of us in our extremely cramped apartment right now. With all these boxes, there's barely any room for me! I'm actually getting so used to walking like a ninja (or maybe more like a crab), I presently can't even fathom what it's like to live in a place where you can just walk around at will.
Right now I'm at one of the more difficult part of packing--going through my teaching stuff! Seriously, I could open my own school with the amount of stuff I have. I have to get rid of most of it though, because I just can't keep it all. Too expensive to move, and I have most of it digitally anyway. A bit of a shame as I'll have to make the photocopies all over again, but really, what can ya do!
I can't wait til we're all settled in. Apparently Mike got us a gig working at Fan Expo or Comic Expo or SOME kind of geeky expo for the first few days we're there. How random is that! We only get paid for half of it, but hey, some money is better than no money.
Right now I'm at one of the more difficult part of packing--going through my teaching stuff! Seriously, I could open my own school with the amount of stuff I have. I have to get rid of most of it though, because I just can't keep it all. Too expensive to move, and I have most of it digitally anyway. A bit of a shame as I'll have to make the photocopies all over again, but really, what can ya do!
I can't wait til we're all settled in. Apparently Mike got us a gig working at Fan Expo or Comic Expo or SOME kind of geeky expo for the first few days we're there. How random is that! We only get paid for half of it, but hey, some money is better than no money.
Saturday 15 August 2015
Decisions, regret, and moving on
Just came back from Toronto/Trawnna/T-dot/Hogtown/whatever you wish to call it.
Lease is signed! We got the first place we applied to, which wasn't our first choice, but definitely not our last, either. It was definitely high on our list, which is good. We would've been much happier about it if wasn't for the last place we saw, which was AMAZING; definitely too good to be true. In fact, so good that if I had seen photos of it online, I'd think it was a scam for sure. Yet there were inside of it, going through it with our own bodies, looking at it with our own eyes. It was so big it was practically a HOUSE. I'm not even kidding. It was two levels; it had an upstairs and a downstairs, and it was roughly the same price as the other apartments we had been looking at, although it had no utilities included. But it'd be worth the cost. The place was freakin' amazing. Never in all my years of apartment hunting had I ever seen a place like that. And it was in a fantastic part of town--Cabbagetown! My favourite part of Toronto, actually. We were looking around it in awe, not being able to believe our find, and the guy wasn't even done showing us every nook and cranny, when we asked "so, can we apply?" We were so enamored by the place. He had gone to his car to get the application when Mike got a call on his cell from the first place we had applied to. I was actually hoping she would say we didn't get the apartment; that's how amazing this place was. But she told us we got it. I was actually surprised when Mike waved at me and told me to tell the guy never mind about the application; I thought maybe he'd want to take a chance and apply anyway. But I also realized that wasn't a great idea, as we would lose our deposit on the first apartment. And what if we didn't get this place? Then we'd be stuck with no apartment at all, and it was our last day before we had to leave Toronto. (Seriously, we were starting to panic.) The guy seemed surprised, and asked what I thought of the other apartment compared to this one. I told him I liked this place much better, and he said "take this one, then!" and I told him we couldn't. As Mike and I walked away from that wonderland, we talked about how happy we were that we no longer had to search for an apartment, but then we started to wonder if we really made the right decision. I mean, that place was beautiful. Beyond beautiful. I've never seen anything like it. It's the type of place that if anyone saw it, they'd say "you'd be CRAZY not to take it." Especially compared to the place we got; our place was genuinely, truly half the size. It could fit on *one* of the floors, and believe me, that is not even a slight exaggeration. And it's so dark and cavernous (it's a basement) and not big and beautiful and house-like. It's like turning down a fancy sushi dinner for McDonald's.
We went back to the Air BnB not feeling that great; instead of celebrating, we were just kind of depressed about the whole thing. If only she had called to tell us we were approved like a half hour earlier; then we never would've seen this apartment, and we'd never know what we were missing! And it's not like we wouldn't have gotten it if we HAD applied; our credit is fine, he already knew our job situation, and he hadn't said anyone else had applied. But we had just panicked, we didn't want to risk not having any apartment at all! After sleeping on it, we didn't feel any better. I just felt worse. I've been apartment hunting quite a few times in my life, and there's always that amazing apartment you don't get, and it sucks, and you're disappointed, and you remember it, but you get over it. But this wasn't like that. It wasn't a great place we tried for and didn't get. It was a great place we turned down in the spur of the moment. Had it been a place we were rejected for, we'd talk about it and be like "remember that awesome place we didn't get? ahhh", and then get on with our day. But this was a choice we made ourselves. And it felt like it was the wrong one.
I've made some mistakes, and some decisions I regret making, but usually I'm pretty good at bouncing back; I'll understand it's a mistake and these things happen. I know this sounds corny, but I'll seriously usually see it as a learning opportunity. But this time, this one time, I couldn't. All I could think was, what the hell did we just do?
Then Mike had to leave for Newfoundland to start rehearsals for his new contract, and I had to spend the last day in Toronto on my own, so the weight and regret of our decision just weighed down on me so much more. I really felt like garbage. I was shocked at my reaction to the whole situation; I understand regretting a decision, but I felt absolute disgust with myself. I spent most of the day just lying on the couch. I felt so horrified with myself that I actually looked in the thesaurus for a word to describe how I was feeling. But I couldn't find anything better than remorse and disgust, really.
The next day I had to go back to Montreal, and I was already starting to feel a bit better. By the time I got back here I felt even better, and the next day I felt a LOT better. Now I'm feeling much better about the decision in general. TheAwesome Amazing Cabbagetown Palace other apartment was $100 more a month, which doesn't sound like much, but would've added up quickly. Plus, hydro wasn't included (it's included at the place we got). To say that also would've added up quickly is an understatement. Not to mention the bills would probably be insane to heat a place that size. Also, we would have lost our deposit at this place, so we'd already be out a few hundred just to begin with, when we're already pretty freakin' poor and moving to this really expensive city with no jobs to begin with.
Also, I'm feeling better about our reaction in general. I mean, all apartment applications require (rather hefty) deposits in Toronto. (Yeah, it's illegal, but everyone does it. What can you do?) As such, we can only apply to one place at once. When it comes down to the last freakin' day we're there and we have to leave the province the next day, and we're worried we're not going to have a place to live, it's not unreasonable to turn down all other appointments and places we're looking at as soon as the place we've applied to FINALLY calls us to tell us we got the apartment, especially in the heat of the moment. Plus, we've been so meticulous and careful about all our apartment searching, being picky about so many things, thoroughly checking all the places for things like bed bugs, etc, so it's not like we've been doing this in a careless manner. So, I'm much more okay with this now (or at least, I've convinced myself that I am). It would have been nice to get the beautiful house-like place, but at least we have a place to live, and at least it's a place that we actually wanted; we were so close to having to leave, and getting so desperate, that we were really about to start lowering our standards in terms of where to apply to--not in cleanliness, but in terms of distance and size. The place we got is in a super awesome neighbourhood; the Annex! VERY close to downtown, which is what we wanted, and I honestly didn't think we'd be able to achieve. Also, we're truly a 2-minute walk from a subway station. I've never lived so close to a subway station in my life! That's pretty amazing.
I'm just not used to feeling regret like that. I'm usually very careful with decisions, and when I make mistakes, I like to think I'm pretty good at accepting them. This time was the first time in a long time I just felt like I couldn't come to terms with what I had done, and I was very surprised with myself; both with my decision, and with how difficult it was to get over it.
Lease is signed! We got the first place we applied to, which wasn't our first choice, but definitely not our last, either. It was definitely high on our list, which is good. We would've been much happier about it if wasn't for the last place we saw, which was AMAZING; definitely too good to be true. In fact, so good that if I had seen photos of it online, I'd think it was a scam for sure. Yet there were inside of it, going through it with our own bodies, looking at it with our own eyes. It was so big it was practically a HOUSE. I'm not even kidding. It was two levels; it had an upstairs and a downstairs, and it was roughly the same price as the other apartments we had been looking at, although it had no utilities included. But it'd be worth the cost. The place was freakin' amazing. Never in all my years of apartment hunting had I ever seen a place like that. And it was in a fantastic part of town--Cabbagetown! My favourite part of Toronto, actually. We were looking around it in awe, not being able to believe our find, and the guy wasn't even done showing us every nook and cranny, when we asked "so, can we apply?" We were so enamored by the place. He had gone to his car to get the application when Mike got a call on his cell from the first place we had applied to. I was actually hoping she would say we didn't get the apartment; that's how amazing this place was. But she told us we got it. I was actually surprised when Mike waved at me and told me to tell the guy never mind about the application; I thought maybe he'd want to take a chance and apply anyway. But I also realized that wasn't a great idea, as we would lose our deposit on the first apartment. And what if we didn't get this place? Then we'd be stuck with no apartment at all, and it was our last day before we had to leave Toronto. (Seriously, we were starting to panic.) The guy seemed surprised, and asked what I thought of the other apartment compared to this one. I told him I liked this place much better, and he said "take this one, then!" and I told him we couldn't. As Mike and I walked away from that wonderland, we talked about how happy we were that we no longer had to search for an apartment, but then we started to wonder if we really made the right decision. I mean, that place was beautiful. Beyond beautiful. I've never seen anything like it. It's the type of place that if anyone saw it, they'd say "you'd be CRAZY not to take it." Especially compared to the place we got; our place was genuinely, truly half the size. It could fit on *one* of the floors, and believe me, that is not even a slight exaggeration. And it's so dark and cavernous (it's a basement) and not big and beautiful and house-like. It's like turning down a fancy sushi dinner for McDonald's.
We went back to the Air BnB not feeling that great; instead of celebrating, we were just kind of depressed about the whole thing. If only she had called to tell us we were approved like a half hour earlier; then we never would've seen this apartment, and we'd never know what we were missing! And it's not like we wouldn't have gotten it if we HAD applied; our credit is fine, he already knew our job situation, and he hadn't said anyone else had applied. But we had just panicked, we didn't want to risk not having any apartment at all! After sleeping on it, we didn't feel any better. I just felt worse. I've been apartment hunting quite a few times in my life, and there's always that amazing apartment you don't get, and it sucks, and you're disappointed, and you remember it, but you get over it. But this wasn't like that. It wasn't a great place we tried for and didn't get. It was a great place we turned down in the spur of the moment. Had it been a place we were rejected for, we'd talk about it and be like "remember that awesome place we didn't get? ahhh", and then get on with our day. But this was a choice we made ourselves. And it felt like it was the wrong one.
I've made some mistakes, and some decisions I regret making, but usually I'm pretty good at bouncing back; I'll understand it's a mistake and these things happen. I know this sounds corny, but I'll seriously usually see it as a learning opportunity. But this time, this one time, I couldn't. All I could think was, what the hell did we just do?
Then Mike had to leave for Newfoundland to start rehearsals for his new contract, and I had to spend the last day in Toronto on my own, so the weight and regret of our decision just weighed down on me so much more. I really felt like garbage. I was shocked at my reaction to the whole situation; I understand regretting a decision, but I felt absolute disgust with myself. I spent most of the day just lying on the couch. I felt so horrified with myself that I actually looked in the thesaurus for a word to describe how I was feeling. But I couldn't find anything better than remorse and disgust, really.
The next day I had to go back to Montreal, and I was already starting to feel a bit better. By the time I got back here I felt even better, and the next day I felt a LOT better. Now I'm feeling much better about the decision in general. The
Also, I'm feeling better about our reaction in general. I mean, all apartment applications require (rather hefty) deposits in Toronto. (Yeah, it's illegal, but everyone does it. What can you do?) As such, we can only apply to one place at once. When it comes down to the last freakin' day we're there and we have to leave the province the next day, and we're worried we're not going to have a place to live, it's not unreasonable to turn down all other appointments and places we're looking at as soon as the place we've applied to FINALLY calls us to tell us we got the apartment, especially in the heat of the moment. Plus, we've been so meticulous and careful about all our apartment searching, being picky about so many things, thoroughly checking all the places for things like bed bugs, etc, so it's not like we've been doing this in a careless manner. So, I'm much more okay with this now (or at least, I've convinced myself that I am). It would have been nice to get the beautiful house-like place, but at least we have a place to live, and at least it's a place that we actually wanted; we were so close to having to leave, and getting so desperate, that we were really about to start lowering our standards in terms of where to apply to--not in cleanliness, but in terms of distance and size. The place we got is in a super awesome neighbourhood; the Annex! VERY close to downtown, which is what we wanted, and I honestly didn't think we'd be able to achieve. Also, we're truly a 2-minute walk from a subway station. I've never lived so close to a subway station in my life! That's pretty amazing.
I'm just not used to feeling regret like that. I'm usually very careful with decisions, and when I make mistakes, I like to think I'm pretty good at accepting them. This time was the first time in a long time I just felt like I couldn't come to terms with what I had done, and I was very surprised with myself; both with my decision, and with how difficult it was to get over it.
Wednesday 5 August 2015
Moving jitters
I can't believe I'm leaving my beautiful lovely Montreal! ;_; I know I have to move on and live in different places; no way can I just live in one city all my life. But ahhhh! I can't believe it's happening. It's exciting, but also sad. My feelings ping pong between the two. I was sad for awhile but lately I've been really excited (and equally stressed out cuz ugh, how stressful is moving, amirite?!). But right now I'm just sad. I realize tomorrow morning will be the last 'lazy' morning (well...if you can call it that, as we have a lot to do tomorrow) that Mike and I will have here, as the following morning we'll be off to Toronto to scout out apartments, and while I'll be back in Montreal to finish up packing the week after, Mike won't be as he'll be starting his latest contract. He comes back to Montreal at the end of the month, but only for one day and then we move! This is so crazy. I really, really, really hope our week in Toronto is successful and that we find an apartment. Worst case scenario: if it's the end of the month and we haven't found anything, we'll have to live out of an Air bnb and apartment hunt from there. Really expensive and not remotely favorable but still doable, a (very) temporary solution. I just want to find a place already, I'm sure that'll take a HUGE chunk out of this crazy stress!
Thursday 25 June 2015
Missing bird in San Diego
If anyone can pass along this story/one of the photos of this missing parrot in San Diego on their respective social networks, I'd be forever grateful! Of course I understand if you can't, but if you do, a million thank yous in advance, along with my eternal love & gratitude. This is just one of those news stories that "hit me in the feels", or whatever.
Local man desperate to find his companion of 7 years, his 'therapy' eclectus parrot named Cherry. On June 9th, she was coming inside from her backyard enclosure when a crow flew at her and scared her off. So far the search in the Carmel Mountain Ranch area has turned up nothing. The reward is now up to $2,000.
Local man desperate to find his companion of 7 years, his 'therapy' eclectus parrot named Cherry. On June 9th, she was coming inside from her backyard enclosure when a crow flew at her and scared her off. So far the search in the Carmel Mountain Ranch area has turned up nothing. The reward is now up to $2,000.
Tuesday 23 June 2015
James Horner
I also wanted to post about James Horner. RIP. I am devastated to hear about his death. His music really shaped me in so many ways I can't even begin to explain. I really love the music for An American Tail and Titanic, but really, my absolute favourite (and that is an understatement) is The Land Before Time. I used to listen to that every single day while doing my homework in elementary school and still listen to it on weekly basis. That music didn't just inspire me with story ideas; it created them. It still does. The music just puts so many feelings and images into my head. I can't explain how it makes me feel. I'm so sad to hear that he's gone, I can't imagine what other great creations he could have offered us had he lived to grow old.
RIP, James Horner. You will be sadly, sadly missed. :(
RIP, James Horner. You will be sadly, sadly missed. :(
Summer starts...now!
While I hadn't been subbing much lately, I got to take over for the last 7 days of school, so that was great! Great for my wallet, less so for my sleeping habits (and sanity). Well, today was the last day of school, and summer vacation begins! The next time I step foot inside a school, it'll be in Toronto. Why Toronto? Because I am moving there! At the end of August, in fact. I'll miss Montreal so much there are no words, but we can't stay here forever. My husband & I chose careers that would allow us to travel, and our mutual, never-ending wanderlust is one of our many shared obsessions that drew us together. Life is much too short and the world is much too big to spend it all in one place. Being in my mid-thirties and living in the same city I was born in is already too much, I think. (For me! To each their own, of course.) So off we go.
Besides, we were supposed to be in Japan two years ago, and that didn't work out. So the very least we can do is at least change cities for now! I have no idea what to expect. I've never lived in another city, let alone another province. And Toronto is huuuuge. Like MEGA huge. Montreal is a fairly large city, but it's not a monster of an ever-sprawling, constantly-growing super-metropolis like Toronto is. I'm intimidated, but that emotion alone excites me. Besides, we all know how bad it is to stay in our comfort zones, right? ;)
So even though it's summer vacation, it's gonna be a busy one; apartment hunting, packing, and eventually moving. Let's do it!
Besides, we were supposed to be in Japan two years ago, and that didn't work out. So the very least we can do is at least change cities for now! I have no idea what to expect. I've never lived in another city, let alone another province. And Toronto is huuuuge. Like MEGA huge. Montreal is a fairly large city, but it's not a monster of an ever-sprawling, constantly-growing super-metropolis like Toronto is. I'm intimidated, but that emotion alone excites me. Besides, we all know how bad it is to stay in our comfort zones, right? ;)
So even though it's summer vacation, it's gonna be a busy one; apartment hunting, packing, and eventually moving. Let's do it!
Saturday 30 May 2015
Following a dream
Today was just so strange. I literally followed a dream.
I remembered having a chemo fever-induced dream during my first round of chemo back in March 2013. If you've had fever dreams, you know how fucked up those can be. Now imagine that, but times about a thousand. If you're reading this and you've actually had chemo fever dreams, then, well, you know exactly what I'm talking about!
Anyway, I had dreamt that my (deceased) grandfather visited me to ask for directions to this park I used to go when I was little, in a part of town a little out of the way from here. (If any Montrealers are reading this, I'm talking about Côte St-Luc. I live downtown, for reference, in the McGill Ghetto, so yeah--kinda far!). Anyway, there's a particular park in the middle of the quiet suburbs of Cote St-Luc that my mom used to bring me to after my check-up appointments with my doctor as a kid. In my dream, that's where we were. I was there with my mom (and later my sister) and there was construction going on in the park, and as a sort of barrier around the hole, there was a fence made out of a map. It was a map of Côte St-Luc. My grandfather wanted directions to that particular park (even though it looked like we were IN the park at the time...you know how dreams are!) so we looked at the map and tried to find it. Anyway, I won't go into a ton of detail about the whole dream, but we spent the rest of the dream on top of a hill that's in the center of the park. It was a bad dream, but it was a very strange and vivid one, and even while I was in the hospital, it made me want to go visit that park right away. But I couldn't remember exactly where it was, and looking it up on google maps was impossible. Trust me, I tried! Côte St-Luc has a TON of parks in it, and I had no idea what it was called, and Côte St-Luc is a rather big place.
Another thing I kept thinking about/dreaming about was a school I had worked at, also in Côte St-Luc, just before I was diagnosed. Very close to that time; I worked at the school in January 2013, and was diagnosed and hospitalized in February. In fact, I was already experiencing rather strong AML symptoms at that school, even though I didn't know it at the time. The classroom I was working at was at the top of the stairs, and although it wasn't a very long staircase, I was always completely out of breath by the time I reached the classroom, even though I was a non-overweight, healthy (or so I thought) 32-year-old. I remember being so confused by my seemingly perpetual fatigue, and when I had to bring the kids upstairs, I'd stop in the middle of the staircase to catch my breath, and use it as a chance to check on the kids and make sure they were behaving in line.
My memories of my time at that school are so bittersweet, as I had such a wonderful time working there (it was honestly one of the best schools I've ever worked at), but it was also the very beginning of what was going to be an intensely horrible and scary life-altering misfortune. It was the very end of my "normal" life. I kind of consider my life before cancer as one life, and my life with/after cancer as another, but that's another post for another time. Suffice it to say, it's one of my last jobs before my life totally changed forever. Ha! That sounds so melodramatic, but it's true! I can't think of any other way of describing it.
For a long time now I've been wanting to go back to that neighbourhood for a walk, as I'm kind of morbidly fascinated by it and the memories it might stir up. I like to take the bus/metro to random neighbourhoods and walk around, so why not this one? I never ended up bringing myself to do it though, until today. And I almost didn't end up there, due to missing the metro, then almost missing the bus, and then being stuck for a good long while as the bus did a crazy detour due to a gas leak of some sort out in Montreal West, where we have to cross through to get to that part of Côte St-Luc. But through a series of various little coincidences, I ended up there anyway. It was so weird.
So I got off the bus at the stop near that school and walked around, and it sure felt weird, but not completely weird, because the season was wrong; it couldn't be more different than January. Today was a particularly hot and humid summery day. But it was still rather bizarre being around there. After walking for a bit around where I used to walk around the school on my lunch break I decided to walk through the small park behind the bus stop where I'd have to wait to go back home. I wanted to go back earlier as I really had to pee, but I couldn't resist walking a bit more. Also, I had never walked in that park and I wanted to check it out. It was really pretty, with a pond, a bridge, and a tiny man-made waterfall. I took some pictures and kept walking.
What's weird is that particular park turned into another park. Of course that park ended up being the one in the dream! Of course it did! That would just have to happen. To think it was there the whole time. The same place where my school was, where I wanted to walk around anyway. How could those two things be in the same place? Côte St-Luc is huge, and these two things end up being on the same damn block. I was floored. All this time I spent trying to locate it, losing myself in google maps, and all this time it was right behind the bus stop down the street from the school! It's just too silly to be true. But there it was.
The park mostly looked exactly the same, which really blew my mind. Of course I wanted to climb up the hill right away, so that's where I headed. And I couldn't get to it, because it--along with the entire playground--was fenced in. There was a fence that surrounded the entire park, all the ways around, just like the map in my dream. If it was like that when I was little, I certainly don't remember it. The parallels between that and my dream really freaked me out. Again, maybe the fence was there when I was little and I don't remember, but subconsciously I did, and that's why the map-fence was in my dream, too. I understand that. But it was still so strange and eerie to see.
I kept walking around the fence, totally confused yet determined to find a way in. And there was a part of me that was wondering if I was in a coma in my hospital bed, dreaming all of this, and the park was blocked off as some kind of mental block in my mind, and I was preventing myself from being able to access it on purpose. (That I imagine I'm still in the hospital but dreaming out the rest of my life as a coma or some last-minute life-flashing-before-my-eyes-type-deal is something that's been going on for two years now, but again, that's another post for another time.) So I was wondering if I was just dreaming this, and the park was just some metaphorical place that I wasn't allowing myself to get to as I searched for a door. (See? Even writing what really happened makes it sound like I'm describing a dream.) I finally found a door in the fence, though it really wasn't obvious at all, and the whole thing just felt so surreal and illogical, just like a dream. And then I started to wonder if I was in some kind of coma dream-limbo, and if I actually got into the park, would that mean I was dead? Then I decided if I really was in some kind of limbo I couldn't stay like that forever anyway, so I should probably just go inside. So I did. The door was right in front of the hill, so the hill was where I was immediately, and as I climbed up the hill it just happened to get super sunny and bright, and for a second I actually thought, oh shit, that bright light, that's it, I'm dying, aren't I? But of course that didn't happen, and I got to the top of the hill and just sat there and looked at the street and was totally mesmerized by my surroundings because the park was EXACTLY how I remembered it and EXACTLY how it was in my dream, minus a couple of details. I wondered what I should do now that I was finally there and realized I didn't really have anything to do, so I just sat there for awhile and took pictures on my phone because what else could I do? I figured I could always come back there and maybe have a picnic there or something.
I didn't stay there for super long, and eventually I went home. But the whole experience was just so bizarre. I know I'm using the same adjectives over and over again. But using the best thesaurus in the world wouldn't convey the way I felt today. The best I can do is just write it all down as it is in my head. It may not sound like much of a story to anyone else, but for me, it was a really strange, mystical kind of day. Just so many weird little coincidences, and other things.
I remembered having a chemo fever-induced dream during my first round of chemo back in March 2013. If you've had fever dreams, you know how fucked up those can be. Now imagine that, but times about a thousand. If you're reading this and you've actually had chemo fever dreams, then, well, you know exactly what I'm talking about!
Anyway, I had dreamt that my (deceased) grandfather visited me to ask for directions to this park I used to go when I was little, in a part of town a little out of the way from here. (If any Montrealers are reading this, I'm talking about Côte St-Luc. I live downtown, for reference, in the McGill Ghetto, so yeah--kinda far!). Anyway, there's a particular park in the middle of the quiet suburbs of Cote St-Luc that my mom used to bring me to after my check-up appointments with my doctor as a kid. In my dream, that's where we were. I was there with my mom (and later my sister) and there was construction going on in the park, and as a sort of barrier around the hole, there was a fence made out of a map. It was a map of Côte St-Luc. My grandfather wanted directions to that particular park (even though it looked like we were IN the park at the time...you know how dreams are!) so we looked at the map and tried to find it. Anyway, I won't go into a ton of detail about the whole dream, but we spent the rest of the dream on top of a hill that's in the center of the park. It was a bad dream, but it was a very strange and vivid one, and even while I was in the hospital, it made me want to go visit that park right away. But I couldn't remember exactly where it was, and looking it up on google maps was impossible. Trust me, I tried! Côte St-Luc has a TON of parks in it, and I had no idea what it was called, and Côte St-Luc is a rather big place.
Another thing I kept thinking about/dreaming about was a school I had worked at, also in Côte St-Luc, just before I was diagnosed. Very close to that time; I worked at the school in January 2013, and was diagnosed and hospitalized in February. In fact, I was already experiencing rather strong AML symptoms at that school, even though I didn't know it at the time. The classroom I was working at was at the top of the stairs, and although it wasn't a very long staircase, I was always completely out of breath by the time I reached the classroom, even though I was a non-overweight, healthy (or so I thought) 32-year-old. I remember being so confused by my seemingly perpetual fatigue, and when I had to bring the kids upstairs, I'd stop in the middle of the staircase to catch my breath, and use it as a chance to check on the kids and make sure they were behaving in line.
My memories of my time at that school are so bittersweet, as I had such a wonderful time working there (it was honestly one of the best schools I've ever worked at), but it was also the very beginning of what was going to be an intensely horrible and scary life-altering misfortune. It was the very end of my "normal" life. I kind of consider my life before cancer as one life, and my life with/after cancer as another, but that's another post for another time. Suffice it to say, it's one of my last jobs before my life totally changed forever. Ha! That sounds so melodramatic, but it's true! I can't think of any other way of describing it.
For a long time now I've been wanting to go back to that neighbourhood for a walk, as I'm kind of morbidly fascinated by it and the memories it might stir up. I like to take the bus/metro to random neighbourhoods and walk around, so why not this one? I never ended up bringing myself to do it though, until today. And I almost didn't end up there, due to missing the metro, then almost missing the bus, and then being stuck for a good long while as the bus did a crazy detour due to a gas leak of some sort out in Montreal West, where we have to cross through to get to that part of Côte St-Luc. But through a series of various little coincidences, I ended up there anyway. It was so weird.
So I got off the bus at the stop near that school and walked around, and it sure felt weird, but not completely weird, because the season was wrong; it couldn't be more different than January. Today was a particularly hot and humid summery day. But it was still rather bizarre being around there. After walking for a bit around where I used to walk around the school on my lunch break I decided to walk through the small park behind the bus stop where I'd have to wait to go back home. I wanted to go back earlier as I really had to pee, but I couldn't resist walking a bit more. Also, I had never walked in that park and I wanted to check it out. It was really pretty, with a pond, a bridge, and a tiny man-made waterfall. I took some pictures and kept walking.
What's weird is that particular park turned into another park. Of course that park ended up being the one in the dream! Of course it did! That would just have to happen. To think it was there the whole time. The same place where my school was, where I wanted to walk around anyway. How could those two things be in the same place? Côte St-Luc is huge, and these two things end up being on the same damn block. I was floored. All this time I spent trying to locate it, losing myself in google maps, and all this time it was right behind the bus stop down the street from the school! It's just too silly to be true. But there it was.
The park mostly looked exactly the same, which really blew my mind. Of course I wanted to climb up the hill right away, so that's where I headed. And I couldn't get to it, because it--along with the entire playground--was fenced in. There was a fence that surrounded the entire park, all the ways around, just like the map in my dream. If it was like that when I was little, I certainly don't remember it. The parallels between that and my dream really freaked me out. Again, maybe the fence was there when I was little and I don't remember, but subconsciously I did, and that's why the map-fence was in my dream, too. I understand that. But it was still so strange and eerie to see.
I kept walking around the fence, totally confused yet determined to find a way in. And there was a part of me that was wondering if I was in a coma in my hospital bed, dreaming all of this, and the park was blocked off as some kind of mental block in my mind, and I was preventing myself from being able to access it on purpose. (That I imagine I'm still in the hospital but dreaming out the rest of my life as a coma or some last-minute life-flashing-before-my-eyes-type-deal is something that's been going on for two years now, but again, that's another post for another time.) So I was wondering if I was just dreaming this, and the park was just some metaphorical place that I wasn't allowing myself to get to as I searched for a door. (See? Even writing what really happened makes it sound like I'm describing a dream.) I finally found a door in the fence, though it really wasn't obvious at all, and the whole thing just felt so surreal and illogical, just like a dream. And then I started to wonder if I was in some kind of coma dream-limbo, and if I actually got into the park, would that mean I was dead? Then I decided if I really was in some kind of limbo I couldn't stay like that forever anyway, so I should probably just go inside. So I did. The door was right in front of the hill, so the hill was where I was immediately, and as I climbed up the hill it just happened to get super sunny and bright, and for a second I actually thought, oh shit, that bright light, that's it, I'm dying, aren't I? But of course that didn't happen, and I got to the top of the hill and just sat there and looked at the street and was totally mesmerized by my surroundings because the park was EXACTLY how I remembered it and EXACTLY how it was in my dream, minus a couple of details. I wondered what I should do now that I was finally there and realized I didn't really have anything to do, so I just sat there for awhile and took pictures on my phone because what else could I do? I figured I could always come back there and maybe have a picnic there or something.
I didn't stay there for super long, and eventually I went home. But the whole experience was just so bizarre. I know I'm using the same adjectives over and over again. But using the best thesaurus in the world wouldn't convey the way I felt today. The best I can do is just write it all down as it is in my head. It may not sound like much of a story to anyone else, but for me, it was a really strange, mystical kind of day. Just so many weird little coincidences, and other things.
Sunday 17 May 2015
Late spring goodness
So much beautiful weather lately! Lovely late spring/early summer goodness. Last night I went to a lovely potluck and last week I celebrated my husband's birthday with a group of friends by going to a really cool place called A/MAZE, where you have to find your way out of rooms by figuring out riddles. It's kind of like the movie Saw, but without all the gore and torture. Then we went to a really nice British-themed pub we really like. My first time really out-out since my surgery. REALLY good times! The next day Mike and I got up super early for a very quick trip to Toronto. It was a really rushed and busy trip, but still fun.
Plus I got to see one of my best best friends who I haven't seen in awhile, so that was lovely! In general, just some really good times lately. I love this time of year so much! Except for at work, where the kids are crazy and the building is so hot...elementary schools don't have air conditioning, and when it gets hot, it gets hot. It doesn't help that I've been sweating immensely lately; due to the hysterectomy, I guess. I assume that's what it is. I dunno. But I'll be seeing my gynecologist soon (at the new hospital location, wow!), so I'll be able to talk to him about side effects and all that jazz.
Plus I got to see one of my best best friends who I haven't seen in awhile, so that was lovely! In general, just some really good times lately. I love this time of year so much! Except for at work, where the kids are crazy and the building is so hot...elementary schools don't have air conditioning, and when it gets hot, it gets hot. It doesn't help that I've been sweating immensely lately; due to the hysterectomy, I guess. I assume that's what it is. I dunno. But I'll be seeing my gynecologist soon (at the new hospital location, wow!), so I'll be able to talk to him about side effects and all that jazz.
Friday 8 May 2015
Anger
Sometimes I just get such intense bouts of cancer-related anger. Such absolute ridiculously intense fury.
Anyway, I meant to post this awhile ago; this is like, the best thing I've ever read. It truly feels like something I could've written in my sleep (if only I could write that well)! Except for a few things, that is (I've never been suicidal, for example). To read something and have it resonate so strongly and perfectly in such an intensely scary and personal way is truly indescribable. My heart started pounding so hard as I read this. It's just so on point. Ahhh.
Without further ado, the link:
Anyway, I meant to post this awhile ago; this is like, the best thing I've ever read. It truly feels like something I could've written in my sleep (if only I could write that well)! Except for a few things, that is (I've never been suicidal, for example). To read something and have it resonate so strongly and perfectly in such an intensely scary and personal way is truly indescribable. My heart started pounding so hard as I read this. It's just so on point. Ahhh.
Without further ado, the link:
Thursday 7 May 2015
Spring turning into summer...:)
I have a toothache that's been getting a little worse, and I gotta say it's worrying me a little as that's how the AML mouth ulcers started. BUT. I'm also NOT worried as I feel totally fine otherwise! My in-patient therapist (who was amazing!) would tell me whenever I was nervous about relapsing, to list all the reasons that were "proof" I was getting sick again, and all the reasons that showed I was still healthy. It was a really useful exercise, as it's helped calmed my nerves a lot. The list of reasons that point to me being healthy tends to be the overwhelmingly longer list, and the fact that I enjoy making lists and find the very act of list-making a genuinely calming activity, is certainly an added, lucky benefit.
Spring is quickly turning to summer. We just celebrated Mike's birthday on Monday. It was a lot of fun. He's on vacation now so we've been hanging out and times are good. I start back at work on Friday! The kids are going to be crazy (we're in the homestretch for the end of the school year, so they're getting crazy with their regular teachers, to say NOTHING of how they act with substitute teachers, eek), but I'm just so happy to be going back to work, so I'll find ways to survive. ;)
Spring is quickly turning to summer. We just celebrated Mike's birthday on Monday. It was a lot of fun. He's on vacation now so we've been hanging out and times are good. I start back at work on Friday! The kids are going to be crazy (we're in the homestretch for the end of the school year, so they're getting crazy with their regular teachers, to say NOTHING of how they act with substitute teachers, eek), but I'm just so happy to be going back to work, so I'll find ways to survive. ;)
Friday 1 May 2015
Go Go Royal Vic!
I've been meaning to post about the Royal Vic, the wonderful & caring hospital I was an in-patient at while being treated for my leukemia. Its actual name is the Royal Victoria Hospital, but everyone just calls it the Royal Vic. They moved into the new Super Hospital! They completed their historic move on Sunday, April 26th! Cheers & congratulations to the super team of the Royal Vic, what a job! My next blood test & appointment with my oncologist, as well as my post-hysterectomy follow-up appointment with my gynecologist, will be in the new location. It's not too far from home, about a 20-minute metro ride (a little longer by bus due to constant traffic on that particular route), but it's far compared to where it used to be; a 10-12 minute walk from my apartment, or 2-minute taxi ride. o_O I understand why they had to move, and at least it'll be easier for other people to get to as it's now right by the highway. Also, apparently it's super easy to access by metro as there's a tunnel built directly from the metro station. I'm sure getting there won't be too complicated, but there's no denying it's not the same as it being literally a couple of blocks from my apartment! :P Oh well, I really shouldn't be so selfish; if it's easier for everyone else, it's worth it! Also, I can't really complain seeing as I'll be moving soon anyway.
Anyhow, all this to say....congrats, Royal Vic! And good luck! I hope things are moving smoothly. You're good people. I owe my life to you. <3
Anyhow, all this to say....congrats, Royal Vic! And good luck! I hope things are moving smoothly. You're good people. I owe my life to you. <3
Monday 27 April 2015
Laptop woes
Getting better, getting better...I want to heal faster though, faster!! haha. I tried going for another walk today but didn't last as long this time; just felt a little nauseous and sore. Ah well. Maybe I'll try again later. I need to find something to do. Luckily yesterday I managed to get out of the apartment for quite awhile, as my parents picked me & Mike up to go to their place for a BBQ, so that was a lot of fun! Also, my mom lent me her laptop which I'm currently typing on; I need something as my own laptop is currently being checked-out and fixed (and all my stuff on it hopefully salvaged) by my ex right now; despite me being as careful as can be with my laptop at all times (and that is an understatement), accidents do happen, and my laptop suffered a pretty bad fall on Saturday and stopped working. It's great to have my mom's laptop in the meantime, but I really miss my own laptop with my own stuff on it! I'm really jonesing for it, seriously. Most things in my day revolve around my laptop (all my music, shows, writings, bookmarks, and pictures I like to go through are all on it, along with my NES emulator that has all the games my Wii doesn't have), and especially lately with there not being much else to do, as I can't exactly just necessarily get up and leave the apartment to go find something else to do...yeah, this really sucks. Well, the timing always could be worse. Not that there's any good time for one's laptop to break, but at least this didn't happen two weeks ago, when I was REALLY stuck at home and couldn't move. But still. Ugh. I mean, my laptop is like an extension of my arm pretty much. I guess my laptop is to me what people's phones are to them. Or something like that. Plus, I just had a bunch of electronics break on me this week. This really was the ultimate fuck-you cherry on top of an already shitty, frustrating week! Not. Happy.
Anyway, I'm just really, really, really desperate and eager to get my laptop back. I really, really, really, really hope all my stuff is salvageable; I don't know what I'll do if it isn't. I back up my stuff fairly often, but not every single day, and it's been a little while since I last did so. Also, though I back up my writing and music and stuff like that, I've never backed up any of my games. It's just not something that's ever crossed my mind as being even possible, I don't know why. I just save them to my emulator and that's it. I hope they're all OK. I'm so anxious about this!
In good news, I had some beer the other day. And a glass of wine yesterday. My first bit of alcohol since the surgery! Yay! Maaayyybe I can make it out to a bar or something. That would be something fun to do.
Anyway, I'm just really, really, really desperate and eager to get my laptop back. I really, really, really, really hope all my stuff is salvageable; I don't know what I'll do if it isn't. I back up my stuff fairly often, but not every single day, and it's been a little while since I last did so. Also, though I back up my writing and music and stuff like that, I've never backed up any of my games. It's just not something that's ever crossed my mind as being even possible, I don't know why. I just save them to my emulator and that's it. I hope they're all OK. I'm so anxious about this!
In good news, I had some beer the other day. And a glass of wine yesterday. My first bit of alcohol since the surgery! Yay! Maaayyybe I can make it out to a bar or something. That would be something fun to do.
Saturday 25 April 2015
Gotta update more!
I was just reading back a little through this and realized I repeat myself a LOT. I gotta stop doing that! Hmm. Maybe updating a little more often will help with that a bit. ;)
For now, I just wanna say how much I enjoy visits from my favourite people. Yay! <3 On a less happy note, I'm in a LOT of pain right now. Blah. Just took some naproxen & tylenol. Got my heating pad here, too. I'm waiting it out a bit more but if this combo doesn't fix things soon, I'll cave and take an oxycodone, as I've been in pain all day and trying to keep it at bay with those other meds doesn't seem to be working. Oxycodone is heavy stuff, but the silver lining is that I get to take oxycodone. I was prescribed 20 of them to take every 4-6 hours but I've only taken 3 the whole time I've been back from the hospital as the side effects are pretty intense; they don't mix well with another medication I'm on. On the plus side, WOW do they make me giggly! Watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia after taking oxycodone the other night is probably the hardest I've laughed while alone in a long, long time. What a ridiculous night!
For now, I just wanna say how much I enjoy visits from my favourite people. Yay! <3 On a less happy note, I'm in a LOT of pain right now. Blah. Just took some naproxen & tylenol. Got my heating pad here, too. I'm waiting it out a bit more but if this combo doesn't fix things soon, I'll cave and take an oxycodone, as I've been in pain all day and trying to keep it at bay with those other meds doesn't seem to be working. Oxycodone is heavy stuff, but the silver lining is that I get to take oxycodone. I was prescribed 20 of them to take every 4-6 hours but I've only taken 3 the whole time I've been back from the hospital as the side effects are pretty intense; they don't mix well with another medication I'm on. On the plus side, WOW do they make me giggly! Watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia after taking oxycodone the other night is probably the hardest I've laughed while alone in a long, long time. What a ridiculous night!
Thursday 16 April 2015
ALL the updates!
WHAT?! I haven't updated in over 2 months?! Whaaaat. Since I last updated, I went to Calgary & Banff (Calgary was nice, Banff was amazing, I've always wanted to go there, but I felt sick the whole time), I worked a lot (tiring!), I had some very successful blood tests (yay!), and my husband finally came home from his 7+ month tour! (9 months really, because of his other contracts...) Yay, he's HOME. <3 AND! And and and annnnd...I had my hysterectomy! YAYYYY! I had been trying to get one since I was in my 20s, so to say that it's amazing that I've finally gotten one is quite the understatement. The pain my periods have caused me throughout my life have been so terrible it's always been hard to describe, but ever since I've had leukemia it's been a little easier to explain to people; my cramps hurt more than the chemo did. So. Yeah. My periods ruined my life. Not to mention they weren't just a few days a month (which is still WAY too long to spend in that amount of pain), but the cramps would often last 2 weeks out of the month, every month. So yeah, enough of that shit! Finally done with that. I got my surgery on April 8th, which is exactly a week ago, plus a day. The surgery went really well, and I only had to stay in the hospital overnight (standard procedure). I was able to go home the next day.
So now I'm home recovering and all is going well, but I've been regressing a little in terms of pain because I'm just so bored and restless and I've been moving around my apartment, constantly tidying up and things like that, even though I'm not supposed to. I mean, I'm supposed to move around, so I do (though my apartment is REALLY tiny and there's not exactly a helluva lot of room to move around in here), and I've gone for a couple of short walks (it's perfect as it's finally spring! SPRING!!!), but I'm not supposed to bend in certain positions, which I can't help but do. The thing is though, my apartment gets so messy and dirty so fast with my husband home now, and I'm so used to my apartment being spotless (when I had it to myself for 9 months I cleaned it pretty much every day) so I can't stand to leave it the way it looks. And I'm just so restless. I know it's not fair to compare recovering from a hysterectomy to recovering from cancer, but I have nothing else to compare it to! Of course I'm going to compare the two, it's only natural. It's the only other experience I've had in terms of recovering from something from the hospital. And compared to cancer and going through chemo, recovering from a hysterectomy is a breeze! I mean, this time my blood is oxygenated. When I was going through chemo, I was neutropenic, I had no blood cells, I had no energy, I felt so sick and out of it all the time. But now all I have is some pain (and they sent me home with pain-killers, of course!), but I have alllll the energy. So in my head, I translate that as feeling well. Haha! I can't help it. And plus, as I mentioned above, it's spring. I LOVE SPRING. And I've been waiting for it for so long to get here, I just wanna run around outside and be crazy! Plus I'm so excited to start this new life without my uterus, a new life without pain. A new life that doesn't involve me constantly curled up with a heating pad and constantly chewing on advil (or stronger pills) and constantly cancelling on people, backing out on plans...a life that's pain-free. It still hasn't full sunk-in; I've been dealing with this pain since I was 12 years old, so that's 22 years now. It's going to take awhile for this to become real to me. But it's so exciting, and I feel like I have so many adventures ahead of me!
Anyway, all this to say...I'm very happy and life sure is good right now. <3
So now I'm home recovering and all is going well, but I've been regressing a little in terms of pain because I'm just so bored and restless and I've been moving around my apartment, constantly tidying up and things like that, even though I'm not supposed to. I mean, I'm supposed to move around, so I do (though my apartment is REALLY tiny and there's not exactly a helluva lot of room to move around in here), and I've gone for a couple of short walks (it's perfect as it's finally spring! SPRING!!!), but I'm not supposed to bend in certain positions, which I can't help but do. The thing is though, my apartment gets so messy and dirty so fast with my husband home now, and I'm so used to my apartment being spotless (when I had it to myself for 9 months I cleaned it pretty much every day) so I can't stand to leave it the way it looks. And I'm just so restless. I know it's not fair to compare recovering from a hysterectomy to recovering from cancer, but I have nothing else to compare it to! Of course I'm going to compare the two, it's only natural. It's the only other experience I've had in terms of recovering from something from the hospital. And compared to cancer and going through chemo, recovering from a hysterectomy is a breeze! I mean, this time my blood is oxygenated. When I was going through chemo, I was neutropenic, I had no blood cells, I had no energy, I felt so sick and out of it all the time. But now all I have is some pain (and they sent me home with pain-killers, of course!), but I have alllll the energy. So in my head, I translate that as feeling well. Haha! I can't help it. And plus, as I mentioned above, it's spring. I LOVE SPRING. And I've been waiting for it for so long to get here, I just wanna run around outside and be crazy! Plus I'm so excited to start this new life without my uterus, a new life without pain. A new life that doesn't involve me constantly curled up with a heating pad and constantly chewing on advil (or stronger pills) and constantly cancelling on people, backing out on plans...a life that's pain-free. It still hasn't full sunk-in; I've been dealing with this pain since I was 12 years old, so that's 22 years now. It's going to take awhile for this to become real to me. But it's so exciting, and I feel like I have so many adventures ahead of me!
Anyway, all this to say...I'm very happy and life sure is good right now. <3
Tuesday 3 February 2015
"I heard that starlight causes cancer."
I've been doing a LOT to try to cut down my intake of potentially carcinogenic chemicals in my day-to-day life. It's difficult, but it's something. I just wanna live, dammit!
Subject line is from Family Guy, btw. ;)
Subject line is from Family Guy, btw. ;)
Wednesday 28 January 2015
You're so brave!
Why do people often tell me I'm brave? Is that a knee-jerk reaction to someone with cancer? I genuinely don't mean to dismiss anyone's comments if they are heartfelt, nor trivialize them, but I really want to know. I'm clearly scared all of the time to the point that it's taken over my life. Though many say being scared has nothing to do with bravery, how about the fact that so much of my day revolves around waiting for it to be late enough to justify getting high off sleeping pills? Is that something a brave person does? What is their definition of brave? Does it involve someone who needs to get high to feel better? Someone who stresses themselves out to the point they can no longer reason properly? Someone who rants daily on social media? Other people I know on Facebook have cancer. None of them rant about it. I'm the only one. How is that brave?
Sunday 25 January 2015
From no hours to too many!
I keep wanting to come here to write about how down/anxious/angry/upset I am but then I'm not always sure what to write. Hmmm, this is not the first post where I've said exactly this!
I'm tired of nightmares and spooky dreams. No nightmares last night, but my dreams were definitely on the creepy scale. Ahhh. Tiring. I've been waking up exhausted all week.
I called in sick super last-second to a subbing job on Friday. I was just so beat, totally wiped-out. It wasn't at the school I normally work at, and in fact I work a LOT at "my" school next week, so I want to save all my energy for that. I feel like I'm going to faint soon. I'm so overwhelmed. I went from not working at all to working TOO many hours. Subbing is exhausting. It's just so draining. It definitely has its moments, and I'm incredibly grateful to be able to sub, and work with children in a school setting and be paid for it. But, it's not like teaching at all. At all! I really miss teaching. For some reason, I'm having a more difficult time with subbing this year than I was last year, which was my first time back on the job since the hospital. It could be for a variety of reasons, I guess.
Anyway, it's just so taxing. I can't imagine doing this 5 days a week, nor would I. 3 days a week I think is OK. It's such a demanding job. For what it's worth, at least I can make my own hours. A little perk to this job, I guess!
The thing is, I'm happy when I'm at work. Even if it's not a good day, it's still better than staying at home and stewing in anxiety. But at the same time, it requires a lot of mental AND physical energy, which I simply don't have. So I can't keep working full days every day, or else I'll have a full burn-out for sure. So I can't accept every day offered to me. But I kind of need to, because I really, really, really, really need the money. But I shouldn't, because health comes first, and if I tire myself out too much, I really won't be able to work! So it's just a never-ending, nonsensical circle of bullshit.
I'm tired of nightmares and spooky dreams. No nightmares last night, but my dreams were definitely on the creepy scale. Ahhh. Tiring. I've been waking up exhausted all week.
I called in sick super last-second to a subbing job on Friday. I was just so beat, totally wiped-out. It wasn't at the school I normally work at, and in fact I work a LOT at "my" school next week, so I want to save all my energy for that. I feel like I'm going to faint soon. I'm so overwhelmed. I went from not working at all to working TOO many hours. Subbing is exhausting. It's just so draining. It definitely has its moments, and I'm incredibly grateful to be able to sub, and work with children in a school setting and be paid for it. But, it's not like teaching at all. At all! I really miss teaching. For some reason, I'm having a more difficult time with subbing this year than I was last year, which was my first time back on the job since the hospital. It could be for a variety of reasons, I guess.
Anyway, it's just so taxing. I can't imagine doing this 5 days a week, nor would I. 3 days a week I think is OK. It's such a demanding job. For what it's worth, at least I can make my own hours. A little perk to this job, I guess!
The thing is, I'm happy when I'm at work. Even if it's not a good day, it's still better than staying at home and stewing in anxiety. But at the same time, it requires a lot of mental AND physical energy, which I simply don't have. So I can't keep working full days every day, or else I'll have a full burn-out for sure. So I can't accept every day offered to me. But I kind of need to, because I really, really, really, really need the money. But I shouldn't, because health comes first, and if I tire myself out too much, I really won't be able to work! So it's just a never-ending, nonsensical circle of bullshit.
Wednesday 21 January 2015
So much anger
I think one of the main emotions that has stewed during my remission is anger. Not so much anger at the cancer itself, but the almost constant anxiety and frequent fear I've been experiencing during remission tends to settle into a kind of demented stress that elevates into the most intense rage I can't describe. I have noticed that anger is easier to deal with than fear, so I can't help but wonder if my brain turns the fear into anger for at least partly this reason.
That being said, I'm fed up of people telling me how I should feel. That anger isn't good for me or that I should be positive. Do you have cancer? No? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP. I mean that sincerely. So I guess this post is a note to all of those people who have told me that I shouldn't be so angry all the time. To those who talk about choosing to be happy and not dwelling on fear or dark thoughts, as if that's something I've chosen to do. I can't choose to be less angry, less scared, or less stressed, but you can certainly choose to mind your own fucking business and be more tactful.
That is all.
That being said, I'm fed up of people telling me how I should feel. That anger isn't good for me or that I should be positive. Do you have cancer? No? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP. I mean that sincerely. So I guess this post is a note to all of those people who have told me that I shouldn't be so angry all the time. To those who talk about choosing to be happy and not dwelling on fear or dark thoughts, as if that's something I've chosen to do. I can't choose to be less angry, less scared, or less stressed, but you can certainly choose to mind your own fucking business and be more tactful.
That is all.
Tuesday 20 January 2015
Waxing poetic, Zopiclone edition
This post will have such a different tone than my last one! In my last post, I had just returned from Miami with Mike, and Christmas vacation was just beginning! But now it's long since finished, and I'm back at work (as much as I can be; I'm starting to get called in often, but perhaps not as often as I would like) and my lovely husband is back on tour and I miss him so much, it's awful. The loneliness is crippling. I found it so much harder to part ways this time around for a number of reasons. Well, on the bright side, at least I'll be seeing him again in just under one month's time, in Calgary. Maybe not the most exotic of places (haha!), but still, it's a place I've never been to. I've never been to Alberta, period! And this is part of my own country this time. Good ole Canada. It'll do me some good to see more of it. In the meantime: working whenever I can! I just wish it were more steady work...
Well, I love my life overall and I'd say that generally I'm certainly a happy person. I'm just going through a time in my life that's quite rough. I know it'll pass but the interim is just so miserable. Being so lonely while I'm so anxious about every little cold or flu symptom I get (as one might imagine, at this time of year, can be quite common), just makes the anxiety inflate about tenfold. And with the ballooning anxiety stems the incapacity to think properly, which is only feuled further by "chemo brain", something a lot of people don't understand. The combined result is just such a toxic mixture of the most frustrating melancholy, something I could maybe attempt to begin putting into words, but only when sleeping pills haven't already been scrambling my brain to such an intense degree.
Well, I love my life overall and I'd say that generally I'm certainly a happy person. I'm just going through a time in my life that's quite rough. I know it'll pass but the interim is just so miserable. Being so lonely while I'm so anxious about every little cold or flu symptom I get (as one might imagine, at this time of year, can be quite common), just makes the anxiety inflate about tenfold. And with the ballooning anxiety stems the incapacity to think properly, which is only feuled further by "chemo brain", something a lot of people don't understand. The combined result is just such a toxic mixture of the most frustrating melancholy, something I could maybe attempt to begin putting into words, but only when sleeping pills haven't already been scrambling my brain to such an intense degree.
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