Alive part II

TBH I don't really remember where I left off last night, but I don't really care. All I know is that today I feel even weirder. On this date last year, Feburary 26th, I was already in the hospital. All day today all I could think about was what I had been doing in the hospital at that time and what part of the hospital I was in. Let's see, it's 9 pm at this very moment, so I must have been in Oncology by then. Oh yeah! I remember where I left off last night...I was writing about how I was put in isolation. Yeah, OK. So it was like a fucking movie, right? Behind sealed glass doors and no one could go in, not even the nurses or my own husband, without a mask, gloves, and full-gown. At some point they tell me and Mike my blood test results and tell us that my red & white blood cell counts are nearly at zero, and I didn't know WTF that meant but I knew it wasn't good! My parents came in by that point (Mike called them as this was turning into some fucked-up shit right here) and a TEAM of fucking doctors came in, looking SUPER serious. I've never in my life had a doctor look at me with such seriousness before. Doctors only ever look bored. But omg, the looks on their faces, they meant business. And that's when I started to wonder, holy shit, maybe something might really be wrong? They told me they weren't sure but they needed to do a biopsy, and needed to find a bed up in hematology and they had to keep me there in the meantime. I don't remember much time passing until they came back to say that a bed had opened up. I remember not being that scared, just kinda like, oh okay, they'll do a biopsy, and find out whatever, it won't be anything serious, just that I'm severely anemic or whatever, and they'll give me some meds and maybe a blood transfusion and I'll go home in a couple of days. In fact, while they were wheeling me around the hospital on the stretcher, in my head I kept going "Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!" which is a joke from Family Guy. I wasn't so edgy that I wasn't NOT like, making jokes in my own head, you know? I was also fucking out of it but whatever.

Anyway then they bring me upstairs and to my destination and I notice the sign says "Hematology/Oncology" and I thought to myself, ".....Oncology, huh. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. This can't be good." But, just like, totally calmly like that. I didn't really think much of it. The only thing really on my mind was that if I had to give people directions to come visit me in the hospital, I'd have to tell them to come to Oncology, and saying Oncology would be kind of weird.

I remember my lovely nurse from that night (I ended up having her many times over the course of my multiple stays over the following 5 months) and being sleepy and them telling me I'd have a biopsy the next morning and me not thinking much of it, and falling asleep relatively easy, IIRC.

So, let's see...it's now 9:15 pm. I'm pretty sure I was already in Oncology by then!

The next morning I had my biopsy and it wasn't too painful but it felt weird as fuck and they shot me so full of dilaudid I pretty much slept the entire day, and I woke up in the evening with quite an appetite and had supper and was surprised when as I was finishing up the med team let themselves in, as they mentioned they might not have the biopsy results right away. But it was about 5:30 pm and they had the results, and without any hesitation the doctor said, "It's not what we thought it was, it's acute myeloid leukemia", and I was so fucking shocked, because I was expecting him to end that sentence with anemia, not leukemia. It never occured to me in a million years that I would have leukemia. Children get leukemia. Old people get leukemia. Not people who just turned 32! I was so stunned. I don't remember much of anything he said after that as it all turned into Charlie Brown teacher voice, but I DO remember him saying that I'd be assigned a psychiatrist (which I remember thinking made perfect sense) and that my chemo treatment would start that Friday (it was a Wednesday evening when this happened). I was so shocked! And scared, of course. I've known a few people in my life who had leukemia and they all died fairly quickly. I don't remember saying anything to him or his team the entire time they spoke to me! All I remember doing is nodding. My mom and aunt were in the room with me, and I'm pretty sure they must have said something, but I don't really remember what! I *may* have said "OK."  I was drinking milk while the doctor told me the news, and he and his team left the room and I just sat there with the straw in my mouth in shock, and I remember the whole time I had the Angry Birds theme in my head! So of course, now I have it in my head right now as I type this. It's weird, whenever I hear the Angry Birds theme, I think of the moment I was told I had leukemia. Ouch!

Well, I don't remember much after that. A lot is a big blank after that for most of the rest of the month. Of course I remember the odd thing here and there, for sure. But not very much. Especially not the first few days, and especially not that night. I know Mike wasn't there as he had gone home to shower (we live about a 15-minute walk from the hospital) and I didn't want to be the one to tell him! I told my mom to tell him. That might sound weird to other people, but I was in total shock. The thing is, I don't remember seeing him when he rushed back to the hospital! You'd think I'd remember such a pivotal moment, but I don't. Seriously that night and most of the days and nights right after it are a total blank. One thing I DO remember from that night was Mike and I sitting on my bed texting everyone, and I laughed and said, "Omg, this is such 2013. You find out you have cancer, and all we can do is text!" I remember just finding it hilarious in admist all this crazy fucked-up shit there was this pause of total silence except for the familiar clicking sound from two people sitting and texting like mad.

Also, on a less happier note, I remember falling asleep that night and having horrible nightmares, the type where you think you're still awake because you're dreaming that you're in your bed, you know what I mean? I dreamt I looked behind my hospital bed and I found a dismembered hand there. That was the first thing I dreamt. Then I dreamt I looked down at my arm where the IV was and I was having an allergic reaction to it, my arm was puffing up and looked horrible! I grabbed wildly for the nurse bell to press the button and then woke up and realized my arm was fine. You'd think I'd remember my first morning waking up and being like "ohhh that's right, I HAVE FUCKING CANCER", but I don't. There's so many random memories I have from the month that followed though.

You know what's weird? I don't know why my brain does this, but often I remember that moment, when the doctor and his team came in to tell me the bad news, as a mirror-image of the way the room really was. All my other memories of that room are (relatively) fine, the room looking as it should. But that one memory? My brain chooses to remember it as a mirror-image. That has never happened to me before (that I can recall). For all my faults and weaknesses, one thing about me that's very strong is my memory. My long-term memory honestly borders on photographic. I understand that traumatic experiences can result in altered memories, but I wonder for what reason my brain decided to go with a mirror-image of the event.

I can't get the Angry Birds theme out of my head.

Alive

It was my birthday on Sunday and all I could think was "I'm still alive."

(Oooh! Dramatic paragraph spacing!)

On my birthday last year I was so sick I couldn't move from the couch. I didn't know why I was so sick yet; all I knew was that it was getting worse and that it was the worst flu and set of mouth sores I'd ever had. I was confused that it wasn't going away and my mouth felt like it had a migraine breeding millions of baby migraines within it, and I couldn't understand why nothing I did would help.

That was the 23rd. Today is the 25th. On this very day exactly one year ago, I couldn't take the pain anymore and no longer had any energy to sit up and finally went to bed. For 24 hours. I remember every little detail so clearly; feeling sicker than I ever felt before:

Why won't this pain go away?

Fever dreams. I remember them in such detail it's like I dreamt them last night.

The TV on in my room showing a reality show given the awful title Road Side Warriors. Hyperbole, hyperbole! I can't stop thinking of that word, and that stupid title.

The snow plow going back & forth on my street, not just ringing its alarm non-stop but smashing something into the ground repeatedly, why can't you get into an accident and shut up for good?!

The sweat. SO MUCH SWEAT. Drowning in sweat. How is it possible for this fever NOT to have been sweat out yet?!

Getting up and licking my lips only to find a film has formed inside my mouth and is falling out in pieces.

Ads on TV that show an old man in a hospital, wondering if I should go to a hospital.

Lying on one side of my face helps numb the awful awful awful awful awful mouthsore/gum/tooth pain, along with a heating pad which I put in the freezer. But the freezer smells, the fridge smells. EVERYTHING SMELLS. All the food smells SO STRONGLY. Mike had made maple syrup sweet potatoes and quiche, trying to give me soft foods. But I smell every little ingredient. None of it makes sense. 

Walking is too difficult. I don't have the energy. I feel like I can't even sit up. No energy at all.

Vivid, story-heavy dreams where almost everything was wrong, very wrong.

Ah, I remember it all so clearly!

The next morning, I was horrified to find out, upon wakening, that I didn't feel any better still. I managed to pull myself out of bed and forced myself to shower, and that's when I had trouble breathing. Again. I had had a few bouts of breathing problems over the past while and they were getting more and more frequent and more intense.

I tried to ignore it and reached for a bar of soap and saw my fingernails, and they were blue. And that's when I was like, DONE. That's it, something is wrong as fuck, I'm going to the hospital. I jumped out of the shower and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw my lips looked like they were turning grey! I was getting scared at this point.

I collapsed on the sofa to catch my breath and told Mike to call a taxi to the hospital. I remember waiting for the elevator to take us downstairs was agony, but once I stepped outside into the winter air it felt so refreshing, and I wondered for a bit if I wasn't just having a bad anxiety attack (with blue nails/lips? Yeah RIGHT!) and that maybe I'd be OK.

I remember telling Mike that when we got to the ER to make sure to tell triage that I was having breathing problems so they'd see me right away. He barely had to; when we got there, walking from the cab through the ER doors and over to the triage window was enough for me, and I as I tried to sit on the waiting room chairs, I fell on the floor, prompting everyone around us to spring up and tell us to go on ahead of them.
Except this one old lady, who I'll never forget as long as I live. She kept saying "What about me? I need to go in, too. What about meeeee?"
I was on the floor, struggling to breathe, which everyone else noticed. And she was bitching away like a bitchy bitch. While I sat there on the ER floor wondering what the fuck was going on with my body, I remember thinking, "Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I'm having trouble breathing and CAN'T EVEN STAND ON MY OWN YET YOU'RE WELL ENOUGH TO WHINE, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" Even though I felt like my lungs had completely deflated, I remember being so angry! Haha.

Anyway, they got me into the ER right away and took my vitals and then had me wait on a stretcher for about a half hour, during which I got bored (and annoyed with the person next to me who wouldn't stop complaining about everything) so I put on my mp3-player and they came by at some point to do an EKG, chest X-ray, and take my bloods. They told me they wanted to check for a blood clot. I remember saying to Mike how much a blood clot would suck, but that it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I distinctly remember saying WELL, BETTER A BLOOD CLOT THAN SOMETHING LIKE CANCER, LOL. Holy fuck. In retrospect, that comment.....grrr.
This is why people who say things like "OMG you shouldn't say things like that!" in response to comments like "imagine we got into a car accident?" or "I hope he dies in a fire" or whatever need to be told HOW FUCKING STUPID THEY SOUND. Saying things doesn't change the outcome of anything, OBVIOUSLY.


Um, so anyway. The blood folks come RUSHING back about 45 minutes later seeming a little nervous, saying something must have gone wrong with the tests because the results they read "couldn't possibly be right". I'm like whatevs! Take all the blood you want, folks. So, stab, draw, repeat. I'm just happy to be lying down and to have people taking care of me...and good music to block out the freaks!

45 minutes they come back again, except this time they're a)wearing masks,  b) they stick a mask on me, and c) they're freaking. the fuck. out.  They have to get me into isolation IMMEDIATELY. I'm like uhhhh...what? Wait, what's going? So they wheel me into this tiny little room with sealed glass doors and even Mike's not allowed inside without a mask and GOWN. No one is. By this point, I'm actually starting to get a little bit scared. Do I have some kind of fucked-up virus? I mean, really. The only place I've ever seen this type of isolation shit is in the movies, where people get quarantined because they picked up some kind of mutant virus or whatever.

...annnnd I think that's all I'll write for today. Mike just got home from work, and it'll be hard to concentrate on this with him here. (Tiny apartment, you see.) But at least I got all this out! It was quite therapeutic. It's been a weird day. At least I was working today to help keep my mind off things, but it was barely enough (not to mention that it was a VERY uneventful day at work, too). I couldn't stop thinking about what was happening a year ago today. I didn't think just a date would affect me so much but I was wrong. It hit me a lot more when I got home.

As I wrote on Facebook, I have so much going on in my mind right now (but writing out this super long blog entry really helped). I can't explain how I feel though. To copy & paste from my Facebook: There's no words for how I feel tonight. It's a weird mix of spooky, melancholy, victorious, grateful, anxious, lucky, surprised, confused, lonely, relieved, sad, and blessed. To summarize: it's fucking weird, dude.

Our government sucks, btw

I have my first flu since I've been in remission and it's terrifying! At least, it better be a flu and not anything more serious...omg. And I'm angry, SO ANGRY, because our stupid government is cutting funding to cancer care at hospitals and no one gives a shit. Yet OMG raise the tuition fees just a little and some folks will raise all hell...disagree with said being hell raised and guess what? You're considered a police-loving asshole. (What? I HATE the police.) Yeah, it makes even less sense than it sounds, trust me. I hate the government in this province so much (Quebec, for those who read this blog and don't know) and the mentality of certain people. Yeah, "I'm mad bro." And I think I have every reason to be. To anyone & everyone who gave me a hard time during the "maple spring" (they even appropriated the name of a REAL and uncomparable issue) for DARING to disagree with you, while you sit back and do nothing for serious issues like this because it's not en vogue to protest against cutting cancer care funding, because there's no fashionable-coloured square to wear for that: fuck you. You have a terrible, shitty attitude, and I bet that somewhere deep down, you know that. At least, I hope you do. I highly doubt any of those types are actually reading this blog, but I had to get that off my chest.

Aches & fatigue

I haven't been feeling well this week (physically), it felt like I was sort of getting a cold but not really; mostly I've just been really, really fatigued, so needless to say I'm quite worried. I feel fine otherwise except for joint pain (which went away) and now dizziness. Except I don't recall feeling dizziness with leukemia before, and quick googling leads me to info that joint pain, dizziness, and extreme fatigue are all major side effects of the Mirena IUD. So, maybe it's just that? (Hopefully). I mean, I DID just get a blood test a little over 2 weeks ago. That's not THAT long ago, right? And I feel pretty OK. I don't feel sick or anything, just really sleepy all the time. I don't think that's how I felt when I actually had leukemia. And I haven't had any night sweats or anything like that. No flu or even a cold, despite the fact all my friends seem to be getting sick and all the kids at school are sick, too. My white blood cells SEEM to be in pretty good shape. I dunno. I'm worried. I hate this anxiety!

Speaking of anxiety, I went to see my old psychiatrist today. I say 'old' as he was the one I had before I got sick. I hadn't seen him sicne I was diagnosed so I had a lot to tell him about, naturally. He's setting me up with a therapist, FINALLY. (It seems like I'm not seeing the therapist the hospital assigned me anymore because he pretty much only sees in-patients.)

I'm craving olives & mayo right now. My mom makes these amazing chopped egg sandwiches and she puts olives and mayo in them and that's what I'm craving. YUM.

More of the positive stuff!

The silverlining (?) to having nightmares all the time is that I always wake up so relieved and HAPPY to be ALIVE!

On a more cheerful note (well, that last bit was supposed to be cheerful, even if it didn't sound like it...), I'm a lot less anxious these days, as I mentioned a couple of posts ago. So, that's good! Hopefully this bout of lessened anxiety will continue. I'll be seeing my old psych soon, so we'll see how that goes!

One thing that helps a lot at keeping my mind occupied (besides work, of course!) is video games. I'm soooo grateful my awesome AWESOME friends got me a 3DS (did I write about that here yet? I can't remember), it's like the best gift in the whole wide world and I love it and can't stop playing it. It REALLY helps keep my mind off things I normally worry about in ways that movies or TV shows or sometimes even just hanging out with friends can't, seeing as the games I've been playing take so much brainpower in trying to figure out. :) It's easy for my mind to wander into scary, worried territory when I'm watching a movie or reading a book, but while playing a game, it's a lot less likely to happen, because it uses so much more brainpower and thinking skills, etc. Especially the game I've been obsesssing over lately (Zelda: A Link Between Worlds). <3