A drugged-up entry, let's hope it makes some sense :P

Ahhhhh Zopiclone, you crazy card! I just took one, about a half ago, so I'm in trippy mode now. Sigh. I've been trying REALLY hard to ween myself off them. At first I stopped cold turkey, but that didn't work out so well, so I helped myself a lot by having marijuana (in pill form, as I shouldn't be smoking) instead. I actually read that you're not supposed to stop Zopiclone suddenly, so I decided to continue taking it, but only every few nights instead. Overall I think it's working out OK.

Tomorrow evening's going to be VERY exciting, as we are leaving for The Gaspé finally! We'll be celebrating our first anniversary there (I can't believe it's been a year already!) on Sunday. :) We have a bottle of wine from last year (with Mario on it, as it was a video game-themed wedding) and we're bringing it along with us. We're hoping to find a restaurant with a BYOW policy, but worst case scenario, we'll drink it in the hotel. :)
It's supposed to rain all weekend, so I really hope it doesn't...or at least not for too long, anyway. I really, really want to take those boat tours and see Percé Rock and the whales--IDGAF what the weather's like, I just hope they don't cancel tours because of the weather, ya know? I guess there's nothing we can do now except wait and see. Anyway, I am so super excited to get out of town (and to go to a place so beautiful and new to me to boot!), so hopefully all will be well.

I am quite sore at the moment from a Lupron shot I got yesterday. The Lupron shot I got back in March finally ran out and I got my period for the first time last Saturday. I was able to get another shot (after spending several hours in the hospital and seeing a rez, a doctor, and a nurse) and it'll last for a few months again but I can't get any more Lupron after that; they told me it wasn't a long-term solution for stopping my periods. So we're gonna try out an IUD. They're going to call me back for the surgery date (it's MINOR surgery) and then we'll see how that goes. I'm not thrilled at the idea of getting one but I'll do ANYTHING to stop my periods. It might ntot even stop them apparently, as the experience can be different amongst women; some no longer get their period at all, and some just get much lighter ones. Anyway, I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. Just like with cancer! Life in remission can have its scary moments, sometimes seemingy all the time. It's really hard to get used to. I know I'll get used to it eventually, or at least to an extent. Right now I'm still pretty much scared all the time. This I'm sure plays a big role in why I can't sleep at night, so there comes the Zopiclone. And look at that, we've come full circle!

A clean bill of health?

It's been 2 weeks to the day that I went to the hospital clinic for blood tests and my oncologist and pivot nurse both told me all is well, everything's as good as it could be, the chemo was extremely successful, I'm no longer neutropenic, and I no longer need my piccline. They removed it right then & there--my oncologist told me to hold my breath and count to 3 and it was out--and then canceled all my upcoming blood test appointments. I don't have to meet with them again until September. I came home on such a high...what fantastic news, and that's an understatement! I didn't update here, as I guess I kind of wanted to distance myself from cancer-related things as much as possible, although that proved to be a little bit difficult as every little pain I get anywhere in my body is an attack of sheer terror, leading me to wonder in a fit of panic I cannot describe OMG IS THE CANCER BACK?!?! I really have to make an appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out how to deal with this fear. I keep saying that I'm going to do that, but I never do. In fact, I could do it right now, stop typing for five seconds and pick up the phone and try to reach him, but I'm not going to do that. I think I know why. I think I simply DO NOT WANT TO SPEND ANY TIME WHATSOEVER IN THE HOSPITAL EVER AGAIN UNLESS I ABSOLUTELY NEED TO. Unless the fear and panic become absolutely unmanageable, which I guess they just might, I am going to hold off calling him for now. And how bad would it be to wait until the anxiety is that bad? Terrible, I guess. But that knowledge doesn't override my deep revolt at the thought of stepping foot in the hospital for any reason. I mean, really. That shold be obvious.

Anyway, in the past two weeks I've been enjoying the summer vacation I've finally received as much as I can. They told me to wait a couple of weeks until I started drinking alcohol, which leads us to...today. So I might have a beer tonight (they told me to start slowly, and to start with beer, as it's got the lowest alcohol content). So we'll see. The bad thing is, my Lupron shot has apparently run out--my hormones seem to be going a bit crazy as I've had menstrual cramps for the past 5 days or so. Lovely. I'm SO not used to this. Luckily, I'm seeing a gynocologist at the hospital (so yeah, gotta set foot in there!) next week, so hopefully they'll give me another shot of Lupron and my uterus will be on its merry way again and I can return to my life.

Good stuff

After feeling really really down for a few days, I've been feeling a lot better. I wanted to find at least one person who survived a relapse, and I did, and I also found people who were alive after never even going into remission, so I feel a bit better now. I mean, I don't feel good that they never went into remission, of course (well obviously), but if they could survive that while I DID go into remission, that's kind of motivating. (I'm talking about random people on internet cancer groups, btw.)

There are days where I read about people who have it sooo much worse than me and I feel awful complaining at all. And then there are days where I just look at everyone around me who's fine, and I feel terrible and depressed and wonder why I had to get leukemia. Anyway, I've been feeling a lot better these past few days, so I'm very happy and relieved about that. My husband reserved a hotel in the Gaspé for us and we're going there at the end of August (I shouldn't still be neutropenic by then). I'm so excited, as it's my first trip since all this shit has gone down. I've barely left this corner of my neighbourhood--hell, my apartment, even, never mind going out of town! Plus, this will be my first time all the way out to the Gaspé! I've always wanted to go out there, and everyone tells me it's amazing, so I'm very excited indeed. ^_^

Hopeful things

AML is really aggressive, so, there's a 60-70% chance that I'll relapse, right? But there was a 70% chance of rain tonight, and it didn't rain. So maybe I'll be lucky.