Bond & bones

After being juggled around for awhile between doctors (and yet ANOTHER bone marrow test; my back is just a series of holes at this point), the final decision is noooo, I'm not in remission, I have to be RE-admitted to the hospital for another 4-6 weeks (sometime in the next few days), we're starting over again with induction therapy (called re-induction), and this time they're giving me THREE types of chemo at once, which I've been ensured is a lot more toxic (apparently a good thing--haha gotta kill them cancer cells), but they wouldn't give it to me if they didn't think I couldn't handle it and they're still acting optimistic, so okay.
I passed the cardiac tests, so yay (you need to pass those in order to get chemo, ugh).

At this point I just want to get it over with. We're kinda running out of options with high success rates if this one doesn't work out, so it's not so much that I'm scared right now as much as that my brain has completely went the "well, fuck all of this" route and is in some kind of weird-denial...not complete denial as here I am writing it all out, but it's definitely reached some weird manic area where I've escaped into this happy universe of James Bond and watch another Bond movie every night, and those movies feel more real to me than whatever is happening to me in my bone marrow, and you know what, if reality is how you perceive the world, then fuck it, my world is M16 agents and Her Majesty's Secret Service and the only thing I really gotta worry about is crazy cartoonish villains who want to take over the world.

So yay, anxiety!

Pretty anxious these days...it's especially bad at night, but today I've been anxious all day. My doctors gave me meds for that, but I mean.....yeah. It is what it is. 

I need to do a FIFTH bone marrow test on  Tuesday (long story); the good news is my oncologist thinks I may be in remission after all (an even longer & much more complicated story), and it's more being in limbo in the meantime. Things look good but we don't know for sure. And either way I still need more chemo, we just don't know yet how much and what type, and I still have to wait on the transplant...alllll so stressful. So yay, anxiety! 

I'm enjoying my nightly routine of watching The Simpsons and/or Seinfeld and/or The Office in bed while I chill online, waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in. But lately the anxiety I've been dealing with is starting to creep into my nightly "wind-down" time and the sleeping problems are getting worse. Argh. 

The cabin fever is also getting really bad and contributing to me feeling really down. I miss my ordinary life. I miss going to work and running errands and going shopping.
Tonight was Saturday and I REALLY missed my usual Saturday routine of socializing and going to my fave karaoke place, moreso than usual. 

And also, I miss my mom and I also think about my dead roommate every day. 

All right, enough venting for now. I hope my next entry is a more upbeat one! ;) 

In limbo

Have I already written a post titled "in limbo"? It wouldn't surprise me, lol...

Anyway, still in limbo. Sooo tired of it. I didn't update after my last appointment at hematology but whatever. That was a week and a half ago. Basically they're still confused by my counts: red blood cells are coming back up (and platelets too, yay!) but my white blood cells are not really doing as good. They told me to come back in 2 weeks when they scheduled YET ANOTHER BONE MARROW TEST. I asked them why at this point they don't just do a biopsy, but they said they'd run into the same problems. OK, whatevs. In the meantime I had to return to the hospital for a blood transfusion but in the end I didn't even need one, but I did need to get some fluids because apparently I'm dehydrated.

I'm STILL not used to being bald. I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I'm like THE FUCK....oh yeah. 

I'm happy to be home but also bored of it. Last night I dreamt I was at a bar ordering red wine. Oh, how I wish I could! In the dream the folks I was with were like "um, shouldn't you NOT be drinking right now?" and I was like "yeah, probably not."