Imagine life without fear

Even with good news re: blood tests, it's tough not to be scared all the time. I'm always scared about everything that happens. I get pains in my mouth a lot, so naturally, that fucks me up. And I found a bruise on my knee the other night, which nearly sent me into some kind of fit of absolute terror. I woke my husband up at 3 AM because I was freaking out that much.

I'm starting to get really fed up of this fear though. Frustration is starting to take over the anxiety. At least, that's how it was today. That might change tomorrow. Who knows.

I gotta figure out a way to live my life without being paralyzed by fear from every ache and pain that I get.

All's good! REAL good! :) :) :)

Just edited my last post as whoaaa there were some errors in it. It's really hard to type as Zopiclone is kicking in, I should really stop doing that! XD

Anyway, ALL IS WELL. The test results show that my blood is good; as I wrote on Facebook, the local vampires are safe to feast on me, for my blood is cancer-free. :) When my oncologist gave me the good news, I was so relieved, excited, and happy! So much so that when he followed up the good news by telling me to get on the examination table, I LEPT onto it, pulling my calf muscle charliehorse-style in the process, which resulted in me SCREAMING out in pain. It was soooo embarrassing. And I don't get embarrassed easily. But that sure did it! Haha. I'm so happy though. And last night was a big theatre launch event at the Centaur (one of the biggest theatres here in Montreal) that I attended with my husband. What a perfect opportunity to celebrate! I got quite tipsy and then went home, bought a bottle of wine, ordered pizza and started season six of Dexter and proceeded to get quite drunk. I ended up sleeping in until 1 pm today...my body sure needed it, as it is NOT used to nights like last night! Ha! With so much to celebrate, last night was muchly needed. It was a lot of fun, and I'm very grateful for it. I'm very grateful for many things right now! <3

A much better C-word (Comiccon!)

Comiccon was amazing! The Battlestar Galactica Q&A, meeting James Callis, dressing up as Yuffie, seeing other cosplayers and taking photos, browing the amazing & seemingly endless amount of geekdom merchanise, and running into so many awesome people I know...*happy sigh*. Here's the picture of my husband and me with James Callis. It looks like this as it's a picture of the picture. ;) They charge $10 for digital copies, so I was all, screwww that, I'm just gonna take pictures of this one (or scan it, if I so choose) and put it online for FREE. It already cost forty frackin' bucks just to take the pic in the first place, and we only met him for seriously like 4 seconds. So yeah, I'm gonna make the most of this picture and post it often and post it freely. :P Still, a GREAT way to spend $40 if you ask me-->and a much much much more memorable use of the money than spending it on some beers & shots, or supper at a restaurant or whatever.

While we were waiting in line to meet Mr. Callis, George Takei walked right by us! It was such an unexpected and exciting moment! Also, we saw Edward James Olmos chilling at his autograph stand, and Jason Momoa came out and waved at some girls standing in front of us who blew him kisses. It was soooo cute! A little later I accidentally wandered back where the guests go, not on purpose, and Jason Momoa walked right by me! Even though I'm not really big on Game of Thrones, I was pretty starstruck by seeing him there. I meam, c'mon. It's frackking KHAL DROGO. He is fiiiiiiiiiiiine. And I actually liked him & Danny. Ah well.

Ah, ahhh. The happy lil' Doctor Who section. Here I am getting cozy with a cut-out of Ten.  ;P

The husband up to no good with the Tardis...;)

Me holding up THE picture of...us! XD

 The only bad thing was that I had chest pains for awhile, so we had sit down for a bit, but then after I ate a sandwitch they went away. I think the fact that I was so overexcited combined with the fact I barely ate nor slept may have had something to do with that. Hopefully that's all it is.

Speaking of all this "hopefully that's all it is" stuff, stupid Lupron. I hope it's just screwing around me and that's all what this bleeding's about. Tomorrow morning I have my first blood test and meeting with my oncologist & nurse in over a month. I was feeling soooo nervous about it earlier but I'm feeling better right now, now that it's late at night for some reason. It could just be the zopiclone having taken its effect, haha. But in all honesty, I started to feel calmer a few hours ago, so this is good. I feel fine physically, so I don't think that I really should have anything to worry about the blood test. The blood from my random period is a concern, though. Anyway, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. At least my appointment is the morning so I don't have to wait around all day.

Speaking of which, I should probably go to sleep...the zopiclone has kicked in pretty intensely now! lol. That, and it's pretty darn late. I just wanna get tomorrow morning over with. :/ I hope you enjoyed my post and its photos of Comiccon. I thought it would be a nice change from all the cancer talk. <3

Little by little

Little by little,  I'm getting better at dealing with the random aches and pains I get in my everyday life. I have been getting more pains than usual this past week but I think they're side effects from the Lupron. I looked them up and it seems spot-on. The reason I was looking up Lupron side effects is because I've had a bit of spotting today, plus some slight cramps...I'm on day 20 of cycle, and I shouldn't be getting any periody-related ANYTHING because of the Lupron. I don't know how common that is though so tomorrow I'll call the nurse who gave me the shot. She was sooo nice. She talked to me for a long time and went over a little Lupron booklet with me and the side effects, etc--which obviously I don't remember as I was looking them up on the internet today, but needless to say that's not her fault. ;)

I'm very excited for this upcoming weekend, as I'm going to Comiccon on Saturday, which is a big sci-fi convention. Well, sci-fi is its main point, but it also covers video games, anime, and some television and movies. I went once two years ago and I had a fantastic time. When I heard back in May that the cast of one of my favourite TV shows of all time (Battlestar Galactica) was going to be there this year, I knew no matter what I absolutely HAD to be there. September felt like such a long ways off, but here it is, and I'm not in the hospital, and I have my ticket! :) I even have a ticket for a photo op with actor James Callis, who played my favourite character in the show. To say I'm excited about this is the understatement of the century!!! This helps make up for all the cool stuff I missed over the summer while I was stuck in the hospital or at home being neutropenic. Also, I'm dressing up. I finished putting together my costume today. Even though it's kinda 'ghetto' I'm sooo pleased with it! I'm going as Yuffie from Final Fantasy VII. I'm so excited I barely know what to do with myself! It needs to be Saturday NOW. :)

Writer's unblock

When I was in the hospital I started working on a story I hadn't worked on in awhile. I'd say I like to write in my spare time, but a more accurate comment would be to say that I USED to like to write in my spare time. I find it very hard to write these days (and by 'these days' I mean since I've been in my 20s), although I did co-write a play that my husband and I put up back in 2009 and I'm very proud of it. :) That said, I don't write many stories these days. In the past year or so I got so fed up and FORCED myself to write, and started getting ideas from places, and started writing down every little idea I got in a little book that I have, no matter how small or bizarre. I don't know why I didn't start doing that earlier, as it's been so super useful and it seems like such an obvious thing to do. But I simply hadn't thought of it earlier for whatever reason. I put it next to my bed to write down those ideas I get as I'm falling alseep. We all get those, right? Why do our brains go nuts during that time? Ah well. Anyway, sometimes I read through that little book and all the little disjointed ideas sound like the ramblings of a mad woman, but who cares, they're there. Sometimes I get inspired when I look at them, and sometimes I get ideas for ways they can be worked into the story I'm currently working on. That's the story I started working on again while I was in the hospital, after not having worked on it for I don't know HOW long. I have so many more ideas for it lately. But I realize the problem isn't so much lack of ideas but lack of inspiration overall...like, I don't have the drive to tell the story. Back in the day, I couldn't wait to write my stories down. I had such an overwhelming desire to tell my stories, I couldn't hold them in. It's like that feeling I get nowadays when something really exciting or amazing happens to me and I can't wait to hop on Facebook and tell everyone...that same kind of urgency and excitement to tell that story. I don't feel that anymore. But I want to feel that drive! I could write my story beginning to end if I really wanted to, but I want to be excited about it. I need to WANT to tell my story. Otherwise, what's the point?

Still in town

No trip to the Gaspé after all. We had to cancel our trip as my mother-in-law ended up in the hospital; hopefully all will be well, but she's going to be there for awhile. So any kind of travel plans are postponed for now. I hope she's OK. Things seem to be stable.

Since we weren't in Percé, my husband and I celebrated our first year anniversary here in town. It was still a lot of fun, and I didn't want the day to end. It was a day of fairly laid-back activities (the casino, dinner and drinks, and then a pub with friends), but for me, it was quite the day out-and-about, considering how little I've done of that in the past year. I really, really needed something like that (and that's an understatement), and I need many, many more days like that! I want to be out and about as much as is reasonably possible! Lack of funds is quite a problem, unfortunately. I'm good--VERY good, if I do say so myself--at finding free things to do, but let's face it, even those things can wear thin after awhile. It's great to have money to have some 'REAL' fun, eh? ;)

In other news, I still get scared from daily pains. Every little pain I get. Omg. I'm starting to slooooowly get used to that though. I've got a long ways to go until I genuinely, actually 'get used' to those feelings though, and from what I've read via other cancer survivors you never really truly 'get used' to it, but I guess I can say that my anxiety regarding that is a smidge lower than it was maybe last week. I'm still having trouble sleeping though.