Following a dream

Today was just so strange. I literally followed a dream.

I remembered having a chemo fever-induced dream during my first round of chemo back in March 2013. If you've had fever dreams, you know how fucked up those can be. Now imagine that, but times about a thousand. If you're reading this and you've actually had chemo fever dreams, then, well, you know exactly what I'm talking about!

Anyway, I had dreamt that my (deceased) grandfather visited me to ask for directions to this park I used to go when I was little, in a part of town a little out of the way from here. (If any Montrealers are reading this, I'm talking about Côte St-Luc. I live downtown, for reference, in the McGill Ghetto, so yeah--kinda far!). Anyway, there's a particular park in the middle of the quiet suburbs of Cote St-Luc that my mom used to bring me to after my check-up appointments with my doctor as a kid. In my dream, that's where we were. I was there with my mom (and later my sister) and there was construction going on in the park, and as a sort of barrier around the hole, there was a fence made out of a map. It was a map of Côte St-Luc. My grandfather wanted directions to that particular park (even though it looked like we were IN the park at the time...you know how dreams are!) so we looked at the map and tried to find it. Anyway, I won't go into a ton of detail about the whole dream, but we spent the rest of the dream on top of a hill that's in the center of the park. It was a bad dream, but it was a very strange and vivid one, and even while I was in the hospital, it made me want to go visit that park right away. But I couldn't remember exactly where it was, and looking it up on google maps was impossible. Trust me, I tried! Côte St-Luc has a TON of parks in it, and I had no idea what it was called, and Côte St-Luc is a rather big place.

Another thing I kept thinking about/dreaming about was a school I had worked at, also in Côte St-Luc, just before I was diagnosed. Very close to that time; I worked at the school in January 2013, and was diagnosed and hospitalized in February. In fact, I was already experiencing rather strong AML symptoms at that school, even though I didn't know it at the time. The classroom I was working at was at the top of the stairs, and although it wasn't a very long staircase, I was always completely out of breath by the time I reached the classroom, even though I was a non-overweight, healthy (or so I thought) 32-year-old. I remember being so confused by my seemingly perpetual fatigue, and when I had to bring the kids upstairs, I'd stop in the middle of the staircase to catch my breath, and use it as a chance to check on the kids and make sure they were behaving in line.

My memories of my time at that school are so bittersweet, as I had such a wonderful time working there (it was honestly one of the best schools I've ever worked at), but it was also the very beginning of what was going to be an intensely horrible and scary life-altering misfortune. It was the very end of my "normal" life. I kind of consider my life before cancer as one life, and my life with/after cancer as another, but that's another post for another time. Suffice it to say, it's one of my last jobs before my life totally changed forever. Ha! That sounds so melodramatic, but it's true! I can't think of any other way of describing it.

For a long time now I've been wanting to go back to that neighbourhood for a walk, as I'm kind of morbidly fascinated by it and the memories it might stir up. I like to take the bus/metro to random neighbourhoods and walk around, so why not this one? I never ended up bringing myself to do it though, until today. And I almost didn't end up there, due to missing the metro, then almost missing the bus, and then being stuck for a good long while as the bus did a crazy detour due to a gas leak of some sort out in Montreal West, where we have to cross through to get to that part of Côte St-Luc. But through a series of various little coincidences, I ended up there anyway. It was so weird.

So I got off the bus at the stop near that school and walked around, and it sure felt weird, but not completely weird, because the season was wrong; it couldn't be more different than January. Today was a particularly hot and humid summery day. But it was still rather bizarre being around there. After walking for a bit around where I used to walk around the school on my lunch break I decided to walk through the small park behind the bus stop where I'd have to wait to go back home. I wanted to go back earlier as I really had to pee, but I couldn't resist walking a bit more. Also, I had never walked in that park and I wanted to check it out. It was really pretty, with a pond, a bridge, and a tiny man-made waterfall. I took some pictures and kept walking.

What's weird is that particular park turned into another park. Of course that park ended up being the one in the dream! Of course it did! That would just have to happen. To think it was there the whole time. The same place where my school was, where I wanted to walk around anyway. How could those two things be in the same place? Côte St-Luc is huge, and these two things end up being on the same damn block. I was floored. All this time I spent trying to locate it, losing myself in google maps, and all this time it was right behind the bus stop down the street from the school! It's just too silly to be true. But there it was.

The park mostly looked exactly the same, which really blew my mind. Of course I wanted to climb up the hill right away, so that's where I headed. And I couldn't get to it, because it--along with the entire playground--was fenced in. There was a fence that surrounded the entire park, all the ways around, just like the map in my dream. If it was like that when I was little, I certainly don't remember it. The parallels between that and my dream really freaked me out. Again, maybe the fence was there when I was little and I don't remember, but subconsciously I did, and that's why the map-fence was in my dream, too. I understand that. But it was still so strange and eerie to see.

I kept walking around the fence, totally confused yet determined to find a way in. And there was a part of me that was wondering if I was in a coma in my hospital bed, dreaming all of this, and the park was blocked off as some kind of mental block in my mind, and I was preventing myself from being able to access it on purpose. (That I imagine I'm still in the hospital but dreaming out the rest of my life as a coma or some last-minute life-flashing-before-my-eyes-type-deal is something that's been going on for two years now, but again, that's another post for another time.) So I was wondering if I was just dreaming this, and the park was just some metaphorical place that I wasn't allowing myself to get to as I searched for a door. (See? Even writing what really happened makes it sound like I'm describing a dream.) I finally found a door in the fence, though it really wasn't obvious at all, and the whole thing just felt so surreal and illogical, just like a dream. And then I started to wonder if I was in some kind of coma dream-limbo, and if I actually got into the park, would that mean I was dead? Then I decided if I really was in some kind of limbo I couldn't stay like that forever anyway, so I should probably just go inside. So I did. The door was right in front of the hill, so the hill was where I was immediately, and as I climbed up the hill it just happened to get super sunny and bright, and for a second I actually thought, oh shit, that bright light, that's it, I'm dying, aren't I? But of course that didn't happen, and I got to the top of the hill and just sat there and looked at the street and was totally mesmerized by my surroundings because the park was EXACTLY how I remembered it and EXACTLY how it was in my dream, minus a couple of details. I wondered what I should do now that I was finally there and realized I didn't really have anything to do, so I just sat there for awhile and took pictures on my phone because what else could I do? I figured I could always come back there and maybe have a picnic there or something.

I didn't stay there for super long, and eventually I went home. But the whole experience was just so bizarre. I know I'm using the same adjectives over and over again. But using the best thesaurus in the world wouldn't convey the way I felt today. The best I can do is just write it all down as it is in my head. It may not sound like much of a story to anyone else, but for me, it was a really strange, mystical kind of day. Just so many weird little coincidences, and other things.

Late spring goodness

So much beautiful weather lately! Lovely late spring/early summer goodness. Last night I went to a lovely potluck and last week I celebrated my husband's birthday with a group of friends by going to a really cool place called A/MAZE, where you have to find your way out of rooms by figuring out riddles. It's kind of like the movie Saw, but without all the gore and torture. Then we went to a really nice British-themed pub we really like. My first time really out-out since my surgery. REALLY good times! The next day Mike and I got up super early for a very quick trip to Toronto. It was a really rushed and busy trip, but still fun.

Plus I got to see one of my best best friends who I haven't seen in awhile, so that was lovely! In general, just some really good times lately. I love this time of year so much! Except for at work, where the kids are crazy and the building is so hot...elementary schools don't have air conditioning, and when it gets hot, it gets hot. It doesn't help that I've been sweating immensely lately; due to the hysterectomy, I guess. I assume that's what it is. I dunno. But I'll be seeing my gynecologist soon (at the new hospital location, wow!), so I'll be able to talk to him about side effects and all that jazz.

Anger

Sometimes I just get such intense bouts of cancer-related anger. Such absolute ridiculously intense fury.

Anyway, I meant to post this awhile ago; this is like, the best thing I've ever read. It truly feels like something I could've written in my sleep (if only I could write that well)! Except for a few things, that is (I've never been suicidal, for example). To read something and have it resonate so strongly and perfectly in such an intensely scary and personal way is truly indescribable. My heart started pounding so hard as I read this. It's just so on point. Ahhh.

Without further ado, the link:

Life, Interrupted: Lost in Transition After Cancer

Spring turning into summer...:)

I have a toothache that's been getting a little worse, and I gotta say it's worrying me a little as that's how the AML mouth ulcers started. BUT. I'm also NOT worried as I feel totally fine otherwise! My in-patient therapist (who was amazing!) would tell me whenever I was nervous about relapsing, to list all the reasons that were "proof" I was getting sick again, and all the reasons that showed I was still healthy. It was a really useful exercise, as it's helped calmed my nerves a lot. The list of reasons that point to me being healthy tends to be the overwhelmingly longer list, and the fact that I enjoy making lists and find the very act of list-making a genuinely calming activity, is certainly an added, lucky benefit.

Spring is quickly turning to summer. We just celebrated Mike's birthday on Monday. It was a lot of fun. He's on vacation now so we've been hanging out and times are good. I start back at work on Friday! The kids are going to be crazy (we're in the homestretch for the end of the school year, so they're getting crazy with their regular teachers, to say NOTHING of how they act with substitute teachers, eek), but I'm just so happy to be going back to work, so I'll find ways to survive. ;)

Go Go Royal Vic!

I've been meaning to post about the Royal Vic, the wonderful & caring hospital I was an in-patient at while being treated for my leukemia. Its actual name is the Royal Victoria Hospital, but everyone just calls it the Royal Vic. They moved into the new Super Hospital! They completed their historic move on Sunday, April 26th! Cheers & congratulations to the super team of the Royal Vic, what a job! My next blood test & appointment with my oncologist, as well as my post-hysterectomy follow-up appointment with my gynecologist, will be in the new location. It's not too far from home, about a 20-minute metro ride (a little longer by bus due to constant traffic on that particular route), but it's far compared to where it used to be; a 10-12 minute walk from my apartment, or 2-minute taxi ride. o_O I understand why they had to move, and at least it'll be easier for other people to get to as it's now right by the highway. Also, apparently it's super easy to access by metro as there's a tunnel built directly from the metro station. I'm sure getting there won't be too complicated, but there's no denying it's not the same as it being literally a couple of blocks from my apartment! :P Oh well, I really shouldn't be so selfish; if it's easier for everyone else, it's worth it! Also, I can't really complain seeing as I'll be moving soon anyway.

Anyhow, all this to say....congrats, Royal Vic! And good luck! I hope things are moving smoothly. You're good people. I owe my life to you. <3