TBH I don't really remember where I left off last night, but I don't really care. All I know is that today I feel even weirder. On this date last year, Feburary 26th, I was already in the hospital. All day today all I could think about was what I had been doing in the hospital at that time and what part of the hospital I was in. Let's see, it's 9 pm at this very moment, so I must have been in Oncology by then. Oh yeah! I remember where I left off last night...I was writing about how I was put in isolation. Yeah, OK. So it was like a fucking movie, right? Behind sealed glass doors and no one could go in, not even the nurses or my own husband, without a mask, gloves, and full-gown. At some point they tell me and Mike my blood test results and tell us that my red & white blood cell counts are nearly at zero, and I didn't know WTF that meant but I knew it wasn't good! My parents came in by that point (Mike called them as this was turning into some fucked-up shit right here) and a TEAM of fucking doctors came in, looking SUPER serious. I've never in my life had a doctor look at me with such seriousness before. Doctors only ever look bored. But omg, the looks on their faces, they meant business. And that's when I started to wonder, holy shit, maybe something might really be wrong? They told me they weren't sure but they needed to do a biopsy, and needed to find a bed up in hematology and they had to keep me there in the meantime. I don't remember much time passing until they came back to say that a bed had opened up. I remember not being that scared, just kinda like, oh okay, they'll do a biopsy, and find out whatever, it won't be anything serious, just that I'm severely anemic or whatever, and they'll give me some meds and maybe a blood transfusion and I'll go home in a couple of days. In fact, while they were wheeling me around the hospital on the stretcher, in my head I kept going "Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!" which is a joke from Family Guy. I wasn't so edgy that I wasn't NOT like, making jokes in my own head, you know? I was also fucking out of it but whatever.
Anyway then they bring me upstairs and to my destination and I notice the sign says "Hematology/Oncology" and I thought to myself, ".....Oncology, huh. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. This can't be good." But, just like, totally calmly like that. I didn't really think much of it. The only thing really on my mind was that if I had to give people directions to come visit me in the hospital, I'd have to tell them to come to Oncology, and saying Oncology would be kind of weird.
I remember my lovely nurse from that night (I ended up having her many times over the course of my multiple stays over the following 5 months) and being sleepy and them telling me I'd have a biopsy the next morning and me not thinking much of it, and falling asleep relatively easy, IIRC.
So, let's see...it's now 9:15 pm. I'm pretty sure I was already in Oncology by then!
The next morning I had my biopsy and it wasn't too painful but it felt weird as fuck and they shot me so full of dilaudid I pretty much slept the entire day, and I woke up in the evening with quite an appetite and had supper and was surprised when as I was finishing up the med team let themselves in, as they mentioned they might not have the biopsy results right away. But it was about 5:30 pm and they had the results, and without any hesitation the doctor said, "It's not what we thought it was, it's acute myeloid leukemia", and I was so fucking shocked, because I was expecting him to end that sentence with anemia, not leukemia. It never occured to me in a million years that I would have leukemia. Children get leukemia. Old people get leukemia. Not people who just turned 32! I was so stunned. I don't remember much of anything he said after that as it all turned into Charlie Brown teacher voice, but I DO remember him saying that I'd be assigned a psychiatrist (which I remember thinking made perfect sense) and that my chemo treatment would start that Friday (it was a Wednesday evening when this happened). I was so shocked! And scared, of course. I've known a few people in my life who had leukemia and they all died fairly quickly. I don't remember saying anything to him or his team the entire time they spoke to me! All I remember doing is nodding. My mom and aunt were in the room with me, and I'm pretty sure they must have said something, but I don't really remember what! I *may* have said "OK." I was drinking milk while the doctor told me the news, and he and his team left the room and I just sat there with the straw in my mouth in shock, and I remember the whole time I had the Angry Birds theme in my head! So of course, now I have it in my head right now as I type this. It's weird, whenever I hear the Angry Birds theme, I think of the moment I was told I had leukemia. Ouch!
Well, I don't remember much after that. A lot is a big blank after that for most of the rest of the month. Of course I remember the odd thing here and there, for sure. But not very much. Especially not the first few days, and especially not that night. I know Mike wasn't there as he had gone home to shower (we live about a 15-minute walk from the hospital) and I didn't want to be the one to tell him! I told my mom to tell him. That might sound weird to other people, but I was in total shock. The thing is, I don't remember seeing him when he rushed back to the hospital! You'd think I'd remember such a pivotal moment, but I don't. Seriously that night and most of the days and nights right after it are a total blank. One thing I DO remember from that night was Mike and I sitting on my bed texting everyone, and I laughed and said, "Omg, this is such 2013. You find out you have cancer, and all we can do is text!" I remember just finding it hilarious in admist all this crazy fucked-up shit there was this pause of total silence except for the familiar clicking sound from two people sitting and texting like mad.
Also, on a less happier note, I remember falling asleep that night and having horrible nightmares, the type where you think you're still awake because you're dreaming that you're in your bed, you know what I mean? I dreamt I looked behind my hospital bed and I found a dismembered hand there. That was the first thing I dreamt. Then I dreamt I looked down at my arm where the IV was and I was having an allergic reaction to it, my arm was puffing up and looked horrible! I grabbed wildly for the nurse bell to press the button and then woke up and realized my arm was fine. You'd think I'd remember my first morning waking up and being like "ohhh that's right, I HAVE FUCKING CANCER", but I don't. There's so many random memories I have from the month that followed though.
You know what's weird? I don't know why my brain does this, but often I remember that moment, when the doctor and his team came in to tell me the bad news, as a mirror-image of the way the room really was. All my other memories of that room are (relatively) fine, the room looking as it should. But that one memory? My brain chooses to remember it as a mirror-image. That has never happened to me before (that I can recall). For all my faults and weaknesses, one thing about me that's very strong is my memory. My long-term memory honestly borders on photographic. I understand that traumatic experiences can result in altered memories, but I wonder for what reason my brain decided to go with a mirror-image of the event.
I can't get the Angry Birds theme out of my head.
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