From no hours to too many!

I keep wanting to come here to write about how down/anxious/angry/upset I am but then I'm not always sure what to write. Hmmm, this is not the first post where I've said exactly this!

I'm tired of nightmares and spooky dreams. No nightmares last night, but my dreams were definitely on the creepy scale. Ahhh. Tiring. I've been waking up exhausted all week.

I called in sick super last-second to a subbing job on Friday. I was just so beat, totally wiped-out. It wasn't at the school I normally work at, and in fact I work a LOT at "my" school next week, so I want to save all my energy for that. I feel like I'm going to faint soon. I'm so overwhelmed. I went from not working at all to working TOO many hours. Subbing is exhausting. It's just so draining. It definitely has its moments, and I'm incredibly grateful to be able to sub, and work with children in a school setting and be paid for it. But, it's not like teaching at all. At all! I really miss teaching. For some reason, I'm having a more difficult time with subbing this year than I was last year, which was my first time back on the job since the hospital. It could be for a variety of reasons, I guess.

Anyway, it's just so taxing. I can't imagine doing this 5 days a week, nor would I. 3 days a week I think is OK. It's such a demanding job. For what it's worth, at least I can make my own hours. A little perk to this job, I guess!

The thing is, I'm happy when I'm at work. Even if it's not a good day, it's still better than staying at home and stewing in anxiety. But at the same time, it requires a lot of mental AND physical energy, which I simply don't have. So I can't keep working full days every day, or else I'll have a full burn-out for sure. So I can't accept every day offered to me. But I kind of need to, because I really, really, really, really need the money. But I shouldn't, because health comes first, and if I tire myself out too much, I really won't be able to work! So it's just a never-ending, nonsensical circle of bullshit.