So I haven't written here in awhile! (Again!) Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had two bloodtests! Yes, two. This is why: I had the first one, which was my regular scheduled blood test, and all was well. WOW was it ever nervewracking though; like last time, I was anxious on the weekend before it, more or less fine once I was at the day clinic and waiting in the room, and scared once I actually got called into the examining room and had to wait there. Like, actually shaking. But everything was fine. However, a few days later I got a REALLY bad mouthsore that hurt WAY more than the usual blisters and pains I get in my mouth. It stuck around for a few days (in fact, it's still there), and I called my nurse on the weekend. The weekend was a little insane, as I had finally worked up the guts to call a teacher I had been replacing last year to tell her that I was out of the hospital and that I could replace her again when she needed me. Why did that take 'guts'? I don't know. I was worried it would be an awkward conversation. I don't like talking to people in the working world about cancer when all I want is a job, I guess. Anyway, I got in touch with her, and she wanted to know if I could replace her that upcoming Monday, just for the afternoon. I said yes; what better way to easily step back into the subbing world by starting with just two periods in the afternoon?
So Monday morning comes and I'm getting all my subbing stuff set up, my route to the school figured out, ready to be back in the classroom after 8.5 months of being out of work, when bam, I get a call from my nurse telling me to come in right away. I was so shocked! I figured she'd tell me to do X,Y,Z with my mouthsore and if things didn't get better, THEN I'd have to come in. I actually told her I was going to start work that day, but she said it would be best if I came in immediately. So I had to cancel my first venture back in the working world. I cried after I hung up.
Then, I had to call the teacher to tell her I wasn't coming in to replace her even though she was expecting me in a few hours. As she was in class, all I had to do was leave a voice mail, so that was good, at least. I explained why I was backing out and how important it was that I had to get to the hospital and apologized PROFUSELY. I told her I would call her back soon with news but omg I'm not going to do that anytime soon as I just can't face her right now. I know that none of this was absolutely remotely my fault, but I still feel terrible about it. After that call, I called the school itself and spoke to secretary and explained to her the situation. She was NOT pleased. I politely explained that it was an emergency and I had to get to the hospital, but she was hearing none of it. I felt terrible, but what can ya do? You don't fuck around with cancer, no matter how badly you want a job.
I got to the hospital by foot (the weather was nice) and I had to wait quite awhile as they were PACKED. My mom came to meet me there too, and while we were waiting, we wandered into the hallway where a girl about my age with hair of approximately the same hair length as mine (which leads me to wonder if she's about in the same point in her treatments as me), came running out into the hall on her phone crying. She started pressing the elevator button frantically and then started sobbing, turned around and kicked the door to the stairwell open, and fled. Everyone standing in the hall just went silent. It was obvious what had happened to her. Her cancer had come back. I felt so horrible in away I never felt horrible for anyone before.
Luckily for me, the outcome of my day was far better. My blood test came out with excellent results yet again, and my oncologist looked at my mouthsore and determined it wasn't a mouthsore at all. He said it looked like I had BITTEN myself (my nurse thought the same thing!). Apparently I had bitten myself in my sleep (damn hard?!) but for some reason the pain only started in the late afternoon/early evening. How random. Either way, it's apparently nothing to worry about, as my blood tests are great and he said he doesn't even need to swab it; he can tell that's all it is. And my oncologist is NOT one to sugarcoat things, oh ho ho no, I'll tell ya that!
So I went home relieved, but that poor girl didn't. I feel so bad. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I went out that evening to run errands with my husband downtown, and we had fun, but...what about her? What was she doing? How was she feeling? And her family? And her friends? I felt so sad. I didn't exaclty feel guilty...but...I sort of did too, you know? I'm not sure what the right word I'm looking for is.
As I mentioned earlier in the post, my mouthsore still hurts, but the pain has gone wayyy down. I also got a pretty bad cold a couple of days ago, and the combination of the cold and mouth pain sure would have given me a scare that would terrify me beyond words (and that's an understatement!) if I hadn't gone in and gotten those excellent results on the blood tests. I just had 2 other colds in the past month, and frequent colds is a bad sign, but my bloods seem to be good, sooo...yay? Besides, I've ALWAYS been super susceptible to colds. This is nothing new in my world. :P
Happy Halloween (one day belated!) to anyone reading this, btw. I'm SO happy I got to go out last night, lingering cold or no. I felt like shit all day today because of it (which is weird, as I didn't get wasted or anything), but whatever, it was all worth it either way, as I had a lot of fun and Halloween is my favourite day of the year. :) Today I just rested up and tomorrow evening is the Rocky Horror Picture Show! I love this time of year so much!
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