happy? lonely?

I'm trying to be more social and meet people, but I'm definitely not trying hard enough. My world feels empty and lonely lately. I hate how lonely and lazy I've become. I hate how tired I am. And most of all, I hate being around other people. Ultimate irony! Ya gotta find the humour in it, eh?

2020 really changed everything. I've never truly understood "loneliness" until 2020 happened. I'd been lonely before, but never really, truly felt & thoroughly understood what loneliness genuinely felt like. It's so dark, so deep, and so SPECIFIC. At the same time, I've had a lot of VERY wonderful things happen to me over the past few years, and that's an understatement. I'm so luck, grateful, and thankful for a lot of things right now. It makes the contrast between loneliness and joy feel that much stranger, though. Huh. What discord!

....but I guess that's a strange thing to say. I mean, joy and gratitude for things going amazingly in one's life, and feeling despair from the crushing weight of unwanted solitude are NOT mutually exclusive by any means. But it still feels so absurd to experience both simultaneously.

I keep telling myself how important it is to work on any aspects of my life that I'm not happy with as timely and as strongly as I can. And I am, but at a snail's pace. Anything more is just so exhausting. Or is it? Am I just being lazy and complacent? I am a lot of things, but I'm not complacent, am I? There's no way. That's one thing I can never be. (I think!)

All I know is, I'm not doing enough. "All movement forward is progress, no matter how slow." <--This is very true, but, sometimes I found myself in situations in which slow progress just won't cut it. I only speak for myself--everyone has their own speed, their own pace, and their own situations, and their own limitations and goals--but right now, I'm in one of those positions in which I need to put in the effort to try harder. It's good to be comfortable, but then nothing changes.