OCD excerpts

My OCD is out of control. It hasn't been like this in 20 years.

My OCD centers on being afraid of harming people or letting harm come to them. I’m not so afraid of getting Covid as I am afraid of Mike getting it (or me letting him get it or causing him to get it).

Lately a typical day goes something like this:

Did Mike touch that? Did I warn him to wash that or not to touch that?
He shouldn't have touched that, we have to clean that now, should I clean it?
Cleaning it might infect him, I should be watching him, I should have seen that, why wasn't I watching what he was doing?
What was I thinking at the moment?
Why was I thinking that?
In what order was I thinking those things?
What does that mean?
Could he have gotten sick because I wasn't paying attention?
I should pay more attention. What have I been paying attention to?
What was I saying when I was thinking, and what was I thinking about?
I need a quiet place to go think about all the possibilities of things I might have thought and could have thought and what I could have done if they might have happened.
I need to warn him about more things.
I need to wash more things.
Oh, I touched the side of my nose or purse. That could infect him if I touch him. I have to go wash my hands again even though they're bleeding.
What if I had touched him before I realized? Was I not being vigilant enough?
Why did hesitate to wrap that food better? Did I secretly want to hurt him?
I need to watch him to make sure he doesn’t eat that without me warning him I might not have wrapped it properly.
What if I didn't wash this dish this right?
What was I thinking when I washed it? In what order?
I should start over and was the same dishes over again.
Just to be safe.
I don't want to do that. But if I don't do it, then am I being irresponsible?
I should re-wrap that food.
But then I have to wash my hands again.
Why did I hesitate to wash my hands?

This used to be 4-5 hours of my day, but it’s now stretched to 10-12 hours of my day. Thankfully my next therapy phone appointment is on April 24th. What would we do without the tireless heroes of the medical world, especially in times like these? So grateful.