I recently posted on Facebook about how I'm currently living the life of a (relative) hermit and I just love it. What it boils down to is that I've grown to prefer my own company to anyone else's. I just prefer to be by myself than with anyone else. At least just for now. And I think that's totally allowed. I'm not going to get together with people just because it's their birthday, for example, or just because they happen to be in Toronto. I mean yeah, it sucks to miss seeing you for a special event, or if you've happen to be out here in my city, but if I don't feel like doing something with other people, why should I? How will it benefit them to hang out with me if I don't want to be out in the first place? And it's nothing personal; it has nothing to do with those people. It has everything to do with me. Like I started at the beginning of this paragraph, all it is, is that I prefer my own company right now. I'm in the mood for solitude and that's the road I'm taking, for the time being.
People can be insulted, and that sucks. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But at the same time, I don't want to constantly drag myself around, making myself do things I don't want to, just to keep other people happy. I've done that for so long, and life's too short to do that all the time. It's time for some ~me~ time, and I really hope other people can understand that. I'd regret it if I didn't do it, I think. When I got sick, I was thinking of the things I'd like to change in my life. Thankfully, there weren't many; I've actually been living my life pretty much as I wanted to, with some exceptions--the other things I really want to do are just out of my control right now, as they cost so much money (such as TRAVELING). But other than things like that, there's not much in my life I feel the need to change. Generally, in life, if I want to do something, I'll just do it. "No day but today", a line from my favourite song from my favourite musical (Rent) is genuinely a motto I live by!
However, I realized that I spend a lot of my life living to please other people, and even sometimes spending time around people whose company I don't necessarily particularly enjoy, just to spare their feelings. This needs to stop; life it too short for this. I need to come first. You know what they say; you gotta take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
I want to make it clear that I'm not adopting an attitude of "oh, too bad for everyone else, I don't care what they think!" I don't feel that way at ALL. In fact, I really do care what they think; it hurts to think that someone will think I'm an asshole for taking some time off for me. That stings. But ultimately I have to make a decision; what's more important to me? A.)Taking care of myself, or B.) exhausting myself to make others happy to spare my feelings lest they think I'm a jerk if I don't always myself available to them? I finally opted for option A. Even if it means dealing with my feelings possibly getting hurt, it's still the better choice here.
By the way, cheers to anyone who got the reference of the wonderful lyrics I used as my post's title. It's from the one & only lovely, talented, totally quirky queen Bjรถrk. :)
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