Living in a labyrinth of boxes

Ah, moving is so stressful! I'm actually glad that my husband is currently away on tour, because I have no idea how we'd have room for the two of us in our extremely cramped apartment right now. With all these boxes, there's barely any room for me! I'm actually getting so used to walking like a ninja (or maybe more like a crab), I presently can't even fathom what it's like to live in a place where you can just walk around at will.

Right now I'm at one of the more difficult part of packing--going through my teaching stuff! Seriously, I could open my own school with the amount of stuff I have. I have to get rid of most of it though, because I just can't keep it all. Too expensive to move, and I have most of it digitally anyway. A bit of a shame as I'll have to make the photocopies all over again, but really, what can ya do!

I can't wait til we're all settled in. Apparently Mike got us a gig working at Fan Expo or Comic Expo or SOME kind of geeky expo for the first few days we're there. How random is that! We only get paid for half of it, but hey, some money is better than no money.

Decisions, regret, and moving on

Just came back from Toronto/Trawnna/T-dot/Hogtown/whatever you wish to call it.

Lease is signed! We got the first place we applied to, which wasn't our first choice, but definitely not our last, either. It was definitely high on our list, which is good. We would've been much happier about it if wasn't for the last place we saw, which was AMAZING; definitely too good to be true. In fact, so good that if I had seen photos of it online, I'd think it was a scam for sure. Yet there were inside of it, going through it with our own bodies, looking at it with our own eyes. It was so big it was practically a HOUSE. I'm not even kidding. It was two levels; it had an upstairs and a downstairs, and it was roughly the same price as the other apartments we had been looking at, although it had no utilities included. But it'd be worth the cost. The place was freakin' amazing. Never in all my years of apartment hunting had I ever seen a place like that. And it was in a fantastic part of town--Cabbagetown! My favourite part of Toronto, actually. We were looking around it in awe, not being able to believe our find, and the guy wasn't even done showing us every nook and cranny, when we asked "so, can we apply?" We were so enamored by the place. He had gone to his car to get the application when Mike got a call on his cell from the first place we had applied to. I was actually hoping she would say we didn't get the apartment; that's how amazing this place was. But she told us we got it. I was actually surprised when Mike waved at me and told me to tell the guy never mind about the application; I thought maybe he'd want to take a chance and apply anyway. But I also realized that wasn't a great idea, as we would lose our deposit on the first apartment. And what if we didn't get this place? Then we'd be stuck with no apartment at all, and it was our last day before we had to leave Toronto. (Seriously, we were starting to panic.) The guy seemed surprised, and asked what I thought of the other apartment compared to this one. I told him I liked this place much better, and he said "take this one, then!" and I told him we couldn't. As Mike and I walked away from that wonderland, we talked about how happy we were that we no longer had to search for an apartment, but then we started to wonder if we really made the right decision. I mean, that place was beautiful. Beyond beautiful. I've never seen anything like it. It's the type of place that if anyone saw it, they'd say "you'd be CRAZY not to take it." Especially compared to the place we got; our place was genuinely, truly half the size. It could fit on *one* of the floors, and believe me, that is not even a slight exaggeration. And it's so dark and cavernous (it's a basement) and not big and beautiful and house-like. It's like turning down a fancy sushi dinner for McDonald's.

We went back to the Air BnB not feeling that great; instead of celebrating, we were just kind of depressed about the whole thing. If only she had called to tell us we were approved like a half hour earlier; then we never would've seen this apartment, and we'd never know what we were missing! And it's not like we wouldn't have gotten it if we HAD applied; our credit is fine, he already knew our job situation, and he hadn't said anyone else had applied. But we had just panicked, we didn't want to risk not having any apartment at all! After sleeping on it, we didn't feel any better. I just felt worse. I've been apartment hunting quite a few times in my life, and there's always that amazing apartment you don't get, and it sucks, and you're disappointed, and you remember it, but you get over it. But this wasn't like that. It wasn't a great place we tried for and didn't get. It was a great place we turned down in the spur of the moment. Had it been a place we were rejected for, we'd talk about it and be like "remember that awesome place we didn't get? ahhh", and then get on with our day. But this was a choice we made ourselves. And it felt like it was the wrong one.

I've made some mistakes, and some decisions I regret making, but usually I'm pretty good at bouncing back; I'll understand it's a mistake and these things happen. I know this sounds corny, but I'll seriously usually see it as a learning opportunity. But this time, this one time, I couldn't. All I could think was, what the hell did we just do?

Then Mike had to leave for Newfoundland to start rehearsals for his new contract, and I had to spend the last day in Toronto on my own, so the weight and regret of our decision just weighed down on me so much more. I really felt like garbage. I was shocked at my reaction to the whole situation; I understand regretting a decision, but I felt absolute disgust with myself. I spent most of the day just lying on the couch. I felt so horrified with myself that I actually looked in the thesaurus for a word to describe how I was feeling. But I couldn't find anything better than remorse and disgust, really.

The next day I had to go back to Montreal, and I was already starting to feel a bit better. By the time I got back here I felt even better, and the next day I felt a LOT better. Now I'm feeling much better about the decision in general. The Awesome Amazing Cabbagetown Palace   other apartment was $100 more a month, which doesn't sound like much, but would've added up quickly. Plus, hydro wasn't included (it's included at the place we got). To say that also would've added up quickly is an understatement. Not to mention the bills would probably be insane to heat a place that size. Also, we would have lost our deposit at this place, so we'd already be out a few hundred just to begin with, when we're already pretty freakin' poor and moving to this really expensive city with no jobs to begin with.

Also, I'm feeling better about our reaction in general. I mean, all apartment applications require (rather hefty) deposits in Toronto. (Yeah, it's illegal, but everyone does it. What can you do?) As such, we can only apply to one place at once. When it comes down to the last freakin' day we're there and we have to leave the province the next day, and we're worried we're not going to have a place to live, it's not unreasonable to turn down all other appointments and places we're looking at as soon as the place we've applied to FINALLY calls us to tell us we got the apartment, especially in the heat of the moment. Plus, we've been so meticulous and careful about all our apartment searching, being picky about so many things, thoroughly checking all the places for things like bed bugs, etc, so it's not like we've been doing this in a careless manner. So, I'm much more okay with this now (or at least, I've convinced myself that I am). It would have been nice to get the beautiful house-like place, but at least we have a place to live, and at least it's a place that we actually wanted; we were so close to having to leave, and getting so desperate, that we were really about to start lowering our standards in terms of where to apply to--not in cleanliness, but in terms of distance and size. The place we got is in a super awesome neighbourhood; the Annex! VERY close to downtown, which is what we wanted, and I honestly didn't think we'd be able to achieve. Also, we're truly a 2-minute walk from a subway station. I've never lived so close to a subway station in my life! That's pretty amazing.

I'm just not used to feeling regret like that. I'm usually very careful with decisions, and when I make mistakes, I like to think I'm pretty good at accepting them. This time was the first time in a long time I just felt like I couldn't come to terms with what I had done, and I was very surprised with myself; both with my decision, and with how difficult it was to get over it.

Moving jitters

I can't believe I'm leaving my beautiful lovely Montreal! ;_; I know I have to move on and live in different places; no way can I just live in one city all my life. But ahhhh! I can't believe it's happening. It's exciting, but also sad. My feelings ping pong between the two. I was sad for awhile but lately I've been really excited (and equally stressed out cuz ugh, how stressful is moving, amirite?!). But right now I'm just sad. I realize tomorrow morning will be the last 'lazy' morning (well...if you can call it that, as we have a lot to do tomorrow) that Mike and I will have here, as the following morning we'll be off to Toronto to scout out apartments, and while I'll be back in Montreal to finish up packing the week after, Mike won't be as he'll be starting his latest contract. He comes back to Montreal at the end of the month, but only for one day and then we move! This is so crazy. I really, really, really hope our week in Toronto is successful and that we find an apartment. Worst case scenario: if it's the end of the month and we haven't found anything, we'll have to live out of an Air bnb and apartment hunt from there. Really expensive and not remotely favorable but still doable, a (very) temporary solution. I just want to find a place already, I'm sure that'll take a HUGE chunk out of this crazy stress!

Missing bird in San Diego

If anyone can pass along this story/one of the photos of this missing parrot in San Diego on their respective social networks, I'd be forever grateful! Of course I understand if you can't, but if you do, a million thank yous in advance, along with my eternal love & gratitude. This is just one of those news stories that "hit me in the feels", or whatever.

Local man desperate to find his companion of 7 years, his 'therapy' eclectus parrot named Cherry. On June 9th, she was coming inside from her backyard enclosure when a crow flew at her and scared her off. So far the search in the Carmel Mountain Ranch area has turned up nothing. The reward is now up to $2,000.

James Horner

I also wanted to post about James Horner. RIP. I am devastated to hear about his death. His music really shaped me in so many ways I can't even begin to explain. I really love the music for An American Tail and Titanic, but really, my absolute favourite (and that is an understatement) is The Land Before Time. I used to listen to that every single day while doing my homework in elementary school and still listen to it on weekly basis. That music didn't just inspire me with story ideas; it created them. It still does. The music just puts so many feelings and images into my head. I can't explain how it makes me feel. I'm so sad to hear that he's gone, I can't imagine what other great creations he could have offered us had he lived to grow old.

RIP, James Horner. You will be sadly, sadly missed. :(

Summer starts...now!

While I hadn't been subbing much lately, I got to take over for the last 7 days of school, so that was great! Great for my wallet, less so for my sleeping habits (and sanity). Well, today was the last day of school, and summer vacation begins! The next time I step foot inside a school, it'll be in Toronto. Why Toronto? Because I am moving there! At the end of August, in fact. I'll miss Montreal so much there are no words, but we can't stay here forever. My husband & I chose careers that would allow us to travel, and our mutual, never-ending wanderlust is one of our many shared obsessions that drew us together. Life is much too short and the world is much too big to spend it all in one place. Being in my mid-thirties and living in the same city I was born in is already too much, I think. (For me! To each their own, of course.) So off we go.

Besides, we were supposed to be in Japan two years ago, and that didn't work out. So the very least we can do is at least change cities for now! I have no idea what to expect. I've never lived in another city, let alone another province. And Toronto is huuuuge. Like MEGA huge. Montreal is a fairly large city, but it's not a monster of an ever-sprawling, constantly-growing super-metropolis like Toronto is. I'm intimidated, but that emotion alone excites me. Besides, we all know how bad it is to stay in our comfort zones, right? ;)

So even though it's summer vacation, it's gonna be a busy one; apartment hunting, packing, and eventually moving. Let's do it!

Following a dream

Today was just so strange. I literally followed a dream.

I remembered having a chemo fever-induced dream during my first round of chemo back in March 2013. If you've had fever dreams, you know how fucked up those can be. Now imagine that, but times about a thousand. If you're reading this and you've actually had chemo fever dreams, then, well, you know exactly what I'm talking about!

Anyway, I had dreamt that my (deceased) grandfather visited me to ask for directions to this park I used to go when I was little, in a part of town a little out of the way from here. (If any Montrealers are reading this, I'm talking about Côte St-Luc. I live downtown, for reference, in the McGill Ghetto, so yeah--kinda far!). Anyway, there's a particular park in the middle of the quiet suburbs of Cote St-Luc that my mom used to bring me to after my check-up appointments with my doctor as a kid. In my dream, that's where we were. I was there with my mom (and later my sister) and there was construction going on in the park, and as a sort of barrier around the hole, there was a fence made out of a map. It was a map of Côte St-Luc. My grandfather wanted directions to that particular park (even though it looked like we were IN the park at the time...you know how dreams are!) so we looked at the map and tried to find it. Anyway, I won't go into a ton of detail about the whole dream, but we spent the rest of the dream on top of a hill that's in the center of the park. It was a bad dream, but it was a very strange and vivid one, and even while I was in the hospital, it made me want to go visit that park right away. But I couldn't remember exactly where it was, and looking it up on google maps was impossible. Trust me, I tried! Côte St-Luc has a TON of parks in it, and I had no idea what it was called, and Côte St-Luc is a rather big place.

Another thing I kept thinking about/dreaming about was a school I had worked at, also in Côte St-Luc, just before I was diagnosed. Very close to that time; I worked at the school in January 2013, and was diagnosed and hospitalized in February. In fact, I was already experiencing rather strong AML symptoms at that school, even though I didn't know it at the time. The classroom I was working at was at the top of the stairs, and although it wasn't a very long staircase, I was always completely out of breath by the time I reached the classroom, even though I was a non-overweight, healthy (or so I thought) 32-year-old. I remember being so confused by my seemingly perpetual fatigue, and when I had to bring the kids upstairs, I'd stop in the middle of the staircase to catch my breath, and use it as a chance to check on the kids and make sure they were behaving in line.

My memories of my time at that school are so bittersweet, as I had such a wonderful time working there (it was honestly one of the best schools I've ever worked at), but it was also the very beginning of what was going to be an intensely horrible and scary life-altering misfortune. It was the very end of my "normal" life. I kind of consider my life before cancer as one life, and my life with/after cancer as another, but that's another post for another time. Suffice it to say, it's one of my last jobs before my life totally changed forever. Ha! That sounds so melodramatic, but it's true! I can't think of any other way of describing it.

For a long time now I've been wanting to go back to that neighbourhood for a walk, as I'm kind of morbidly fascinated by it and the memories it might stir up. I like to take the bus/metro to random neighbourhoods and walk around, so why not this one? I never ended up bringing myself to do it though, until today. And I almost didn't end up there, due to missing the metro, then almost missing the bus, and then being stuck for a good long while as the bus did a crazy detour due to a gas leak of some sort out in Montreal West, where we have to cross through to get to that part of Côte St-Luc. But through a series of various little coincidences, I ended up there anyway. It was so weird.

So I got off the bus at the stop near that school and walked around, and it sure felt weird, but not completely weird, because the season was wrong; it couldn't be more different than January. Today was a particularly hot and humid summery day. But it was still rather bizarre being around there. After walking for a bit around where I used to walk around the school on my lunch break I decided to walk through the small park behind the bus stop where I'd have to wait to go back home. I wanted to go back earlier as I really had to pee, but I couldn't resist walking a bit more. Also, I had never walked in that park and I wanted to check it out. It was really pretty, with a pond, a bridge, and a tiny man-made waterfall. I took some pictures and kept walking.

What's weird is that particular park turned into another park. Of course that park ended up being the one in the dream! Of course it did! That would just have to happen. To think it was there the whole time. The same place where my school was, where I wanted to walk around anyway. How could those two things be in the same place? Côte St-Luc is huge, and these two things end up being on the same damn block. I was floored. All this time I spent trying to locate it, losing myself in google maps, and all this time it was right behind the bus stop down the street from the school! It's just too silly to be true. But there it was.

The park mostly looked exactly the same, which really blew my mind. Of course I wanted to climb up the hill right away, so that's where I headed. And I couldn't get to it, because it--along with the entire playground--was fenced in. There was a fence that surrounded the entire park, all the ways around, just like the map in my dream. If it was like that when I was little, I certainly don't remember it. The parallels between that and my dream really freaked me out. Again, maybe the fence was there when I was little and I don't remember, but subconsciously I did, and that's why the map-fence was in my dream, too. I understand that. But it was still so strange and eerie to see.

I kept walking around the fence, totally confused yet determined to find a way in. And there was a part of me that was wondering if I was in a coma in my hospital bed, dreaming all of this, and the park was blocked off as some kind of mental block in my mind, and I was preventing myself from being able to access it on purpose. (That I imagine I'm still in the hospital but dreaming out the rest of my life as a coma or some last-minute life-flashing-before-my-eyes-type-deal is something that's been going on for two years now, but again, that's another post for another time.) So I was wondering if I was just dreaming this, and the park was just some metaphorical place that I wasn't allowing myself to get to as I searched for a door. (See? Even writing what really happened makes it sound like I'm describing a dream.) I finally found a door in the fence, though it really wasn't obvious at all, and the whole thing just felt so surreal and illogical, just like a dream. And then I started to wonder if I was in some kind of coma dream-limbo, and if I actually got into the park, would that mean I was dead? Then I decided if I really was in some kind of limbo I couldn't stay like that forever anyway, so I should probably just go inside. So I did. The door was right in front of the hill, so the hill was where I was immediately, and as I climbed up the hill it just happened to get super sunny and bright, and for a second I actually thought, oh shit, that bright light, that's it, I'm dying, aren't I? But of course that didn't happen, and I got to the top of the hill and just sat there and looked at the street and was totally mesmerized by my surroundings because the park was EXACTLY how I remembered it and EXACTLY how it was in my dream, minus a couple of details. I wondered what I should do now that I was finally there and realized I didn't really have anything to do, so I just sat there for awhile and took pictures on my phone because what else could I do? I figured I could always come back there and maybe have a picnic there or something.

I didn't stay there for super long, and eventually I went home. But the whole experience was just so bizarre. I know I'm using the same adjectives over and over again. But using the best thesaurus in the world wouldn't convey the way I felt today. The best I can do is just write it all down as it is in my head. It may not sound like much of a story to anyone else, but for me, it was a really strange, mystical kind of day. Just so many weird little coincidences, and other things.