I’m so tired of people telling me things like “oh we take little comforts for granted!” Or “oh the things we take for granted!” when I tell them how happy I am to be out of he hospital. First of all, you don’t even have cancer so how would you know, but even more importantly—speak for yourself! Stop using “we”. Refer to yourself & yourself ONLY because we all know that’s who you’re talking about here. Don’t include me in your inability to appreciate “the little things” in life. I always have, it didn’t take cancer for me to see that. If it takes a life threatening illness for you to appreciate your home & hobbies, that’s your own personal shortcomings that you have no business projecting on to me.
Ever since I was discharged from the hospital back in 2013, not a single day would go by where I wouldn’t be grateful I still wasn’t in there. Not a single day, over the past 6 years. Yes, I thought about how happy and grateful I was to be alive and not in that hospital every single day for 6 years. The first three years were terrifying because remission is in many ways scarier than the hospital stay, but I was still super grateful to be at home during that time. (But remission is terrifying as fuck, as I'll talk about that another time--though there's tons of posts just about that if you scroll back far enough to 2013-2014, I'm sure.)
Also: it didn’t take getting cancer for me to be "grateful for the little things". I’ve always enjoyed my cozy apartment and little things like video game universes or Christmas decorations or tv series premieres or awards shows—-things that people would also ironically roll me eyes at me for. (Gee, that seems fair, huh?)
Anyway, all this to say—stop projecting your own personal shortcomings onto me, all right?
And by the way. Getting cancer isn't this crazy catharsis where you look at the world differently like it is in the movies. I mean, maybe it is for SOME people, but certainly not for me. Yeah, basic things felt a lot more awesome once I survived the first time--like just being able to return to work and ride public transportation and things like that---but it's not like I had some kind of crazy life-changing mind-blowing CATHARSIS. I guess that happens to some people, but I don't personally understand living your life so poorly or so half-assedly that it takes nearly dying to get your shit into gear. I'm really sorry if that sounds snobby, but WTF, man? Do you want me to put my true feelings out here or not? People always ask how I feel, so here it is---when death is always a lingering possibility, of course not all my thoughts are going to be happy or kind ones.
There are a couple of things I felt differently about after the first time I got cancer, and here they are:
1. Spend more time by myself, or for myself. Spending time with people who don't matter is never a good thing. I've talked about this to a lot of people and have even taught others to change their lifestyles to reflect this. Don't spend time with people out of pity. You're being dishonest and no one wins.
(There are teeny tiny little exceptions here & there, of course, but--tread carefully! There's very little out there that's more hurtful and pointless than a fake friendship.)
2. Eat. Eat eat eat. While I was hospitalized in 2013, I got stuck watching a lot of daytime TV cuz I didn't have Netflix back then. A lot of shows about diets and how to stay slim. I can't explain how that horrified me while I was getting chemo and COULDN'T eat. All I wanted was food. Ladies, a shake is NOT a meal. Love yourself. Eat a goddamn burger or pizza. Life's short. You'll regret all the time you spent starving yourself, I guarantee it.
That's it. It's late and I'm tired and I'm done ranting for now.
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