Bittersweet kind of day

And all is well. I'm doing so good apparently that my oncologist decided my blood tests will now be every 2 months rather than every month. Wow! I'm happy but feeling a little bit ehhh as I ran into a former hospital room mate of mine today. He was awfully skinny. I asked him if he had gotten his BMT yet (bone marrow transplant) as when we were hospital roomies (July) he was set up for one in September. It turns out he hadn't gotten it after all as he had gotten a lung infection of some kind and needs an operation for it before they can go ahead with the BMT. Fuck. Leukemia and lung infections...fuck, man. I hope he's OK. I can't stop thinking about how skinny he was and that it's already almost February and his BMT was set for SEPTEMBER (six months ago!) and he didn't get it yet. He had just become a father when he was getting chemo with me and would tell me about his new baby, who's still with his wife in Africa (I forget where). Apparently they're coming over to Montreal soon. Well, I hope everything turns out OK for him, and that's certainly an understatement! OK, so it's a bittersweet kind of day.

It's getting better!

OK, I'm starting to get used to having monthly blood tests. At least I'm not as anxious as I was for the last one. It helps that I feel great these days! The past few weeks I've felt better than I've felt all year, both physically and mentally. I don't feel tired or run down or like I'm coming down with anything; I just feel healthy and pretty good overall, and not out of breath or anything like that. Plus, I think my body (and mind!) have finally gotten used to working. I've been working on call but almost full-time. It's fantastic! So not only does it help keep me occupied, but it seems to have helped me get used to the stress that is work. Good stuff all around.
That said, of course I'm not thrilled about my blood test tomorrow. I just want to get it over with. I'm still a bit nervous. I also hope I don't get called into room 3, because, well, I know this sounds silly, but I had a dream where I was hiding from my oncologist and a patient saw me and told me I wouldn't have to worry as long as I didn't get called into room 3. You see, at the hospital in the ODC where you get the blood tests done, you wait and then they call you into a room where you get your results. The rooms are numbered 1-18, so when your name gets called over the speaker they tell you which room to go into. Usually I get called into room 7. I think I even mentioned that in my dream.

For anyone reading this who thinks it's ridiculous to worry about that, well, I've had plenty of dreams that have actually happened, in extreme detail (I'm not talking vague crap here). I think everyone has. I can't stand it when people think dreams are meaningless because I'm living proof that's not true (as are many other folks). Just because YOU'RE boring and YOUR subconcious sucks and doesn't ever dream up things that happen in real life afterward doesn't mean that YOU have any clue what you're talking about when it comes to dreaming.

Zope nopes

I never want to go to sleep when zopiclone kicks in. It's the one point in the day my heart rate drops to something normal. It's the one point in the day I feel calm. It feels like a waste to ruin the tiny bit of zen I get by going to bed for a sleepness night of terrifying nightmares. Ya knowwww? :( Nighmares past 2 nights in a row, I don't feel very confident about tonight...

Starting to approach a certain anniversary...

I haven't posted here in a month! And now it's the new year. (Happy New Year to anyone who might be reading this!) What can I say? I spend a lot of my time trying to forget about leukemia, and writing here doesn't exactly accomplish that, so that's probably the main reason I've been avoiding coming here. That said, I do indeed enjoy keeping a blog and don't plan to give that up. And of course, there are certainly times when writing is actually therapeutic, so there ya go.

With the new year here, it's that much closer to the time of year I was diagnosed. This time last year I was already getting frequently sick and feeling tired and short of breath without understanding why. The point at which I got super sick and didn't get better, or the point of no return, or...well, I don't know what to call it, but THAT...that was around February 17th, depending on what point of getting sick you want to start at. I ended up in the hospital on Feburary 26th, admitted that night, had my biopsy the next morning on the 27th, and was diagnosed later that evening. Shit. I can't believe it'll be almost a year since all of that. If I make it one more year without a relapse, then my chances for survival go up. :) If I make it one more year without relapse after that, then my chances for survival go up a LOT. So I just gotta make it to that point, and I'll be as close to "out of the woods" as I'll ever be able to be, I guess. There's obviously and unfortunately never a real "out of the woods" with cancer, especially with the agressive kinds. But if it's the best I can hope for, I'll take it!

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good New Year's and holidays in general. I know I did. :) I went overnight with friends to Quebec City, which was amazing--my first out of town overnighter since being out of the hospital (the only out of town experience I've had since then was to Mount-Tremblant but just for the day), and it really was fun; definitely one of those times when cancer was pushed to the back of my mind for once. :) My Christmas was great, and the holidays in general were filled with good times and partying, I had 2 weeks off from school...the contract I had been working is finished but I'm returning to work at that same school for various other subbing jobs this month, so that's absolutely fantastic on so many levels!

Another ped day

How odd that the last time I posted was while it was snowing, and a ped day. Today's another ped day, and it's snowing again! The school staff coincidentally has good timing with their ped days, lol. Another reason it's good timing...I'm sick! Headache and an upset stomach, and I'm pretty tired. Just a bug, I'm sure, as my husband seems to have come down with one as well, and many other people I've come into contact with this past week are also sick, but still...of course I'm anxious. I have my next blood test in exactly one week, so I'm eager for it to hurry up and come so I can hurry up and get it over with. Hopefully all will be well so I can enjoy my last week of work and then relax for the holidays.

Speaking of snow, I see in my last post that I mentioned how snow freaked me out. Luckily, I've since gotten over that. I think it was just the initial reaction to seeing snow again for the first time since I had gotten sick. I'm OK with snow now. :)

On a less OK note, my grandmother passed away last week. It was very sudden, so that's good, at least...I was worried, since she was getting old, that her health would start to deteriorate to the point that she'd end up in the hospital for a long time where she'd deteriorate even more. After spending so much time in the hospital this year, I just didn't want that to happen to her. I mean, I'd never want that to happen to her (or to anyone else for that matter) anyway, but now that I know what it's like, that feeling has only increased one trillionfold. It's funny how many people say they hate hospitals when they've never even hospitalized long-term. You think YOU hate hospitals? Haha. Go through what I did. It's so much worse than you can ever imagine. It's awful. However horrible you think it may be, imagine that, but 100 times worse. So, I'm glad she just died suddenly and didn't go through that shit.

S-NO.

It's snowing and I'm freaking out pretty badly as I got diagnosed and admitted to the hospital just after a snowstorm. It snowed plenty while I was in there and I didn't get to leave til winter was over. So last time I saw snow was, well...then. I didn't think I'd have this reaction to seeing snow again but BAM. There it is. It's awful and spooky and I feel like ripping my hair out and breaking things. I just feel miserable. It's a quarter to midnight and it's late but luckily I have tomorrow off as it's a meeting day for the teachers (just meetings, no classes), which subs don't get paid for, so, I get to stay home, sleep in, and rest up; all which I desperately need. My mind is certainly not resting at the moment though. Thankfully the zopiclone is kicking in...

A slow absorption

It feels like the more time that passes since the whole leukemia diagnosis & hospitalization, the worse it makes me feel when I see/hear something that makes me think about it. I'm unsure as to why this is. The only conclusion I can come up with is that enough time has passed so that it's starting to finally sink in that yes, all that horrendous crazy shit really did indeed happen to me, and the danger is still quite real. I don't know how to explain it. It's an odd situation, to feel like I'm taking steps back in terms of handling my fear, but I know (or hoping) that's not the case...I think it just might be a matter of things sinking in. I wasn't exactly prepared for this...I've been feeling better lately as I've figured out how to get a grip on my fear between blood tests and in terms of being scared of relapse. I've gone through such improvement there, so it's a little disheartening to see that now my memories are bringing more fear, and as such I'm dealing with a new problem. I wonder how many more random stages and forms of "acceptance" or ways of dealing with this await me. Unnnnghh. What happens if/when I finally totally realize and accept all the shit happened to me this year? When it all finally sinks in? What is that even going to feel like?