A lot of people pass around a meme on social media that says something along the lines of "What didn't kill me didn't make stronger. It gave unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour, but it didn't make me stronger."
Now sure, it's funny, but I often find the exact opposite to be true. When I go through something awful, I usually learn a thing or two, whether it's a different way to look at certain situations, or new skills I can use in some way.
Battling cancer the first time definitely made me stronger. I'm generally not as scared this time--at least not right now! My primary emotion if anger. When the doctor told me I had relapsed, my response was to sigh, swear, and then snicker. Because it was just so absurd to me.
I mean, sure, I'm scared, and sometimes I'll get bouts of absolute terror. But I mostly can't help but take a "been there, done that" attitude to the whole thing, which makes it so much less scary than the last time, when I had no idea what was going on. Fear of the unknown sucks. So does the reality of the not-so-great prognosis of leukemia in general, but that's another discussion for another time.
So yeah, I'm scared, but mostly I'm just disappointed and sad, and above all, so incredibly angry. The anger outweighs the fear.
My life was going so well--settling down with my husband in a new city that I absolutely adore, both of us finally IN our careers, and finally having paid all off my debts--and then blam, this happens. A big giant train crash in the middle of my lifeline.
And I know once I get to the transplant stage, I'm probably going to get really scared all over again. Because the transplant is something new, and because so many things could go wrong with it, too. Also, there's not all that much of a plan C after that. So let's hope this goes well!
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