Mizupon's graduation single

So it's the end of an era--the Mizuki era. MIZU-KI/ミズ期 (if you speak Japanese, you probably get the word play here--with the キ in 聖 being replaced by 期, as it's been her era). Her graduation single is pretty awesome, with her getting her own solo (Neverending Shine) written by Tsunku, which is all any of us could hope for. Unfortunately, I'm not big on ballads, so maybe I can't really appreciate it the way everyone else can--not that I can't appreciate it all, though. That would be unfair to say, especially as there are, quite specifically, some Tsunku-penned ballads that I actually really, really like, such as The Vision and Tsumetai Kaze to Kataomoi, to name a few (also both from graduation singles).

Anyway, regardless of my music tastes, I feel like there's something missing about Neverending Shine. I'm not good at describing music--or perhaps more accurately, I sound like a fool describing music--because I don't know any of the proper terms to use. So I do my best. (But also, who cares, as this blog is something I write for myself for fun, and not for a specific audience as work or any kind of professional capacity, so...HA!). But yeah. What I can say about Neverending Shine is that the chorus is just so unsatisfying. I feel like there's going to be this interesting kind of half-note up,  but instead it just goes kind of flat. I feel like I'm getting blue-balled here, which is particularly frustrating considering it's a graduation ballad for FUKUCHAN, of all people. The one & only Mizupon! But everyone else seems to like it, so that's good, at least. I just wish it were more interesting. More musically,,,,complex, I guess. It just feels too ordinary in general, let alone as a graduation song for someone like Mizuki Fukumura.

But the rest of the single? It's awesome! Wake Up Call and Suggoi FEVER!. I love them both. 
Did you know that Suggoi FEVER!'s orignal title was Fever Anytime Joutou? (Yeah, the same lyric they repeatedly say throughout the chorus.) Apparently Tsunku forgot he had already submitted the song under that name, and titled it Suggoi FEVER!. Ha! 

Anyway, I'll talk about that song (and Wake Up Call) another time. 

Can't wait to watch Mizuki's graduation, though I'll have to wait a day or so afterward, as I'll be out of town. 

And before that...the double Tsubaki grad for Riko & Yumeno! It's gonna be crazy!

The kanji of the day is: 
期

EURKEA! ^_^

Ahhh, I'm so excited! I found my blog! I want to update again, and journal my thoughts, and write movie reviews because I spend so much time watching movies and thinking about them. Well, the ones that move me, anyway. Which isn't that many of them. But the ones that do, do. Like, a lot. Ahhh! 

Yay for writing. 

I've been working on so many short stories since I last updated here (apparently 3 years ago?!). I'm still working on them and tackling new ones. I finished one and hated it, but it was just a skeleton, and not an actual story. But it hurt to look at. One day, I'll be brave enough to revisit it and modify it into the story it's supposed to be. 

I *did* start off another story that I'm REALLY happy with, but I got stuck. I'll be back to it, though. 

Just like I came back to this blog! :) 

Motivation

Something that made me smile. I was recalling how in July of 2019, just before my transplant, I was sitting in absolute silence on my computer chair, as I am now, staring down my hallway, thinking how I enjoyed my alone time in my cozy apartment, and wondering, what if this is one of the last times I get to do this? What if I go to the hospital and never return, and never again get to enjoy the solace of my apartment, sitting in my computer chair?


And here I am, remembering this, as I am ....sitting in my computer chair staring down the hallway! I felt my face break into a smile when I realized this. I survived!


I feel motivated ❤️

Still afraid of cancer

I feel so fucking selfish saying this during Covid when EVERYONE is in danger, but sometimes I can't stop being afraid of cancer. I am so so so so so so so so so SO grateful to be in remission and to have gotten a life-saving transplant, and then I feel guilt about all those who didn't make it, and I wonder why I'm still alive, but then I think that could all change in an instant anyway (I used to feel guilty all the time before I relapsed), so then I'm scared again instead of feeling guilty, which isn't much better, and it's just a back & forth of ugh. And I was just reading the Facebook of someone who lost their wife to cancer last year and looking at the photos I was immediately reminded of my mother but at the same time, picturing myself in her position and thinking about my own mortality, yet also feeling guilty about being alive while my mom (and other people) aren't, while also missing her deeply. It's just such a mess of complicated feelings that there aren't any words for, except this word salad I just typed out.

The O & C

I feel like clawing my way out of my own brain.

I've just spent an hour sitting with my eyes closed "checking" all my thoughts. (Not that that's anything out of the ordinary.)
After that, in an unrelated event: going to the bathroom to pee took 5 hand washings. (Totally not something out of the ordinary, either.)

Having both the obsession & compulsion components of OCD is not something I thought I'd ever had to deal with. I always only used to have the obsessions. Well, I guess the compulsions part too, though my compulsions were always internal (checking my thoughts, as opposed to external physical things). Now I got the hand-washing and all that external physical crap that I do...so yeah, full-fledged obsessions AND compulsions. The worst of both worlds.

I really wish I could shut my brain off.

Messing with routine

I'm such a ball of anxiety right now. The reason being: specific uncertainty. My lovely neighbours on BOTH sides of me (to the side & upstairs) are moving out for the summer, and both of them have other people subletting.

I don't know these people. I don't know what kind of noise they'll make or if they'll have possibly covid-y friends over or what. I'm thrown out of my routine, and routine is pretty much all I have at a time like this to cling to. It's making my anxiety go from an 8/10 to a 10/10. Not to mention the noise right now as my upstairs neighbour prepares to move out. So much loud noise. I'm on edge, every molecule of my body, every square inch of skin, every hair, is standing on end.

You know this feeling, right? This feeling of your routine being fucked with, especially during a time of high anxiety?
You know this feeling of every little piece of your body quivering with nauseating discomfort?

I've made a little bit of progress with OCD; I don't want to regress now. A few steps forward....let's not step back. Not yet.
I know treatment (or heck, any kind of progress) isn't a straight line, but c'mon, brain, give me a break!

Eeek! Med change!

I had a phone appointment with my therapist today. (Well, he's more of a psych than a therapist.) Anyway, I've finally agreed to change my anti-anxiety meds around for OCD (something I haven't done since 2012!) as the current way I'm living my life is obviously not sustainable (I really hit a low low low yesterday, and that's an understatement). I REALLY didn't want to do this because to change meds, I have to stop one that I'm currently on, which means big-time scary withdrawal. But what better time when I'm home quarantined and not out & about in the world? Plus I have check-ins with him twice a week. It starts on Monday, so we'll see. Fingers crossed and all that!