I got my schedule today for the rest of the month; all the appointments I have to prep for the transplant. It's pretty intense, but thankfully a lot of the appointments are all on the same days, so though the days are long, at least I don't have to go back and forth to the hospital a crazy amount of times. I have a dental appointment, lots of cardiac/lung stuff, and a bone marrow and biopsy coming up, and of course the usual blood tests. Also among all this, I've been seeing a doctor for therapy, and I don't find our sessions very useful at all! The only good thing that's happened so far out of all of it is that she was able to tell me about some anti-nauseants and anti-anxiety meds that may be very useful to me to offset the effects of the chemo and immuno-suppressants I'll be taking for the transplant, but like...in terms of the anxiety and sadness I'm feeling re: all of this, she hasn't been the least bit helpful at all! I kept saying I wanted to do cognitive behavioural therapy for the weeks leading up to the transplant, but it definitely looks like I'm not going to be getting it. Wtf. At least I'm not paying for any of this.
Speaking of moods though, I had a (not-so?) random change of heart this weekend in which I decided I'm just not dying. I put "not-so" in parenthesis with a question mark because I don't know how random it is. I can't recall what exactly prompted this but I think part of it had to do with reading old journal entries and Facebook Memories re: my cancer and deciding well, I've made it this far; I'm not going to be defeated by some stem cells deciding to attack their new host. Hahaha no, fuck that. And just seeing how far I've come---how I beat the odds in the past---why not again?
Also, I think it's just a survival technique. I think my brain was like oh what the fuuuck I can't spend the entire rest of the month just stewing in depression and terror, so fuck this, let's just be DEFIANT about this already.
Well, whether it's defiance or denial, I'm not quite sure, but I'll take this good feeling either way!
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