Everything about recovery is a zig-zag. You don't slowly get better in a straight line evenly, slowly but surely, going up. No, it's all a zig-zag. Things are amazing one day and then not so great the next. A lot can change in 24 hours. Sometimes it feels like I've taken 2 steps forward, then 5 steps back. But I beat cancer twice and got a stem cell transplant and I'm alive so I'll just marvel at that.
My appointment with my BMT doctors went really well this Tuesday; all those virus numbers went down, so hopefully they'll stay dormant. The biggest news was my doctor telling me that in two weeks' time, my hickman line will be removed! (Barring any complications, of course--as it always goes.) I am very excited about this.
He also talked about beginning to slowly taper me off the immune-suppressants. It's a long, tricky, and dangerous process, but also a very important one. Like everything else, it's not a linear process. Lots of trial & error and going back & forth on the dosages. Once I'm off immune-suppressants, my body can start to fight for itself, meaning GREAT things (my immune system will be working once again and life with a properly functioning immune system sounds like such a dream right now!), but it also means scary things, like the fact I'll be at greater risk for GVHD, as if I weren't at high enough risk already. Hopefully my immune system won't wake up and be like "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU" at my news cells, and we can all get along and live in harmony for many decades to come.
In other medical news, today I saw my cardiologist. Unfortunately my heart has not healed itself from all the damage it took from the chemo back in the spring, so I have to go on some more medication. (Because being on 13 meds right now is just not enough!) Hopefully the side effects won't be too bad. More importantly, hopefully it will treat my heart the way it's supposed to. Kinda scary. I'll try not to dwell on this point because I don't want to and there's not much I can do about it.
Between the heart issues and the fact that my OBGYN figured out I'm in menopause--ohh, did I write about this yet? It doesn't matter than I'm only 38; the transplant and/or the meds I was on for it, or maybe a combo thereof (I can't fucking keep track anymore) apparently sent my still-not-yet-40-year-old body into menopause. So that's really great. So more meds for that. Ohhh boy.
But yeah, between the heart issues, menopause, and the ever-present fears of GVHD and the viruses, it's exhausting. There's not a day that goes by in which I don't feel so incredibly happy and grateful to be chilling at home, eating my husband's delicious cooking and playing video games in our cozy apartment, but I'm not always successful at immersing myself in things deeply enough to distract me from anxiety and sometimes sadness.
All that said though, the past 4 days in a row I've woken up with energy! It's great! Physically I've had a huge boost suddenly, and I'm really loving it. As No Doubt sang once: "please don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay!" I like feeling energetic!
No comments:
Post a Comment