Arrrghhhhh

If one more person tells me to "try to distract myself from my anxiety with hobbies" I will lose it. I'm so tired of explaining that when you're anxious, creative things are the most difficult things to do. Tonight I decided fuck it, let's get back into my hobbies, and tried playing Breath of the Wild. Forget it. I got stuck at what should be a relatively easy puzzle. The more I tried the more frustrated I got, so I stopped before I got too angry. So I go play piano instead. I can't figure out any new music. That makes sense, because how could I do that with this level of anxiety? No problem. So I try to play a medley of stuff I've always known and have a really, really hard time trying to remember The Land Before Time soundtrack, which makes no sense because I've been playing it on the piano since I was a little girl. I played a few other things and saved my favourite for last--Beethoven's 7th Allegreto--and I can't remember it. All I remember are a few broken parts. I've been playing this *non-stop* since I was in the 10th grade, where did it go? Playing it (and the Land Before Time soundtrack) gives me such a sense of peace. And now I can't even do that?

Not being able to figure out new music is one thing, but not being able to play old favourites is just torture. Not to mention, why is my long-term memory suddenly affected? I'm used to my short-term memory being rubbish these days, but my long-term memory shouldn't be affected like this.

So now I feel positively awful; 10,000x worse than if I had just watched TV all night like I had been doing. So I guess I'm back to being stuck watching TV shows and movies all day. It's just getting so repetitive. I'm tired of being so anxious all the time. It's so exhausting.