Nightmares

I can't remember if I mentioned this here or not, but a really fucked-up thing that's happened since I've been diagnosed with leukemia is the way my dreams have changed. The nightmares. Oh crap, the nightmares. I haven't had any in awhile but they've started up again. I've had two this week. One of them involved me (possibly) drowing someone's baby (I say 'possibly' as the baby was unconscious and there was a chance it'd be OK but things certainly didn't look good), and the other was this morning, when I woke up and went back to bed. I had one bad dream where I got into an argument with my husband about me getting a job, which left me really upset, and then I had this horrible nightmare where I was one of the characters from Lost (Juliet, for any Lost fans who may be reading this, lol).

Now, this nightmare REALLY freaked me the fuck out, so I'm going to write it down here. Writing this shit out makes me feel better. Also, some of my fucked-up dreaming is a cancer-related thing, so I figure it makes sense to write about my dreams here, at least once in awhile. Plus, some people have asked me what kind of dreams I've had related to my cancer, so here's one! So, if you're one of those people who doesn't like to read about dreams, especially in great detail, you're going to want to skip this entry.

So, we had this really unreliable plan to escape the Island, which was to jump off a cliff while wearing lifejackets into the water. But the cliff was so high that when we hit the water, we'd end up unconscious, so Jack (who's a doctor, for those not familiar with the show) would resuscitate us (if he could) and we'd be able to escape that way by attaching balloons on us or something like that. The cliff was really high and the fall was really harsh so our saftey wasn't guaranteed; there was no way of knowing for sure if he'd be able to wake us up again once we hit the water. But it was our only chance of escaping the Island, so we did it, even though we knew our chances weren't that great. So we hit the water and it was harrrsh, and sometimes I was watching it like a show and sometimes I saw it from Juliet's point of view 'cause that's just how dreams are. Anyway, I was the last one to wake up and I was coughing up blood from the impact of hitting the water, and I started slipping in and out of consciousness which felt like blacking out, and because of the life jackets and broken bones from hitting the water from so high up, most of us were floating on the water looking upwards. I was looking up at the clouds and blinked, and all of the sudden it was night and I was looking up at stars, and the most horrible sense of terror came over me as I realized the reason it seemed to have passed from day into night in a split second was because I had passed out for a really long time. And I felt worse, and I was freezing, and I realized I was dying and I was so scared, and I was just floating in the fucking sea, staring up in the sky, and I was dying, and everyone was around me and they had no idea what I was feeling and they were trying to save me, and it was so strange to see them trying to help me when I knew there was nothing they could do because I was about to die. I distinctly remember being happy that was surrounded by my friends and that I didn't have to die alone in the water, but I was so terrified, and I suddenly started gasping, and I realized, well, this is it, I've got to tell them, they can stop trying to save me. I tried to get Kate's attention, I tried to talk, and I could only whisper, so I started talking, and in real life, I woke up to the sound of my voice, saying "This is the end." I was SO RELIEVED to be awake in my bed, but really fucking freaked out from the dream. And freaked out due to me waking up to the sound of my own voice saying "this is the end", referring to myself thinking I was about to die. I just lay in bed for awhile before getting up because that was seriously some fucked-up heavy shit right there.

Anyway, it's getting onto 1:30 AM and I'm still thinking about that nightmare, it's still super vivid in my head. And I gotta say, it helps to have written it out. I had a lot of dreams this morning, but that was the big one. FREAKY SHIT, MAN.