Shock!

I haven't posted here in awhile, because while I was home and non-neutropenic, I wanted to enjoy myself as much as possible and think about cancer as little as possible. Well, I was re-admitted for chemo round #3 about a week and a half ago and I'm still here in the hospital as I got SUPER sick this time. Yes, I always get sick from the chemo, but this time I got sicker than usual. I got a lung infection, which lead to my body going into septic shock, and let me tell you, that was NOT fun. I almost ended up in the ICU twice. The ICU docs came to see me and they prepped me in case I needed to go, but luckily in the end I was able to stay here in the oncology/hematology ward. The infection was not a result of the chemo, but I was dealing with that at the same time as side effects of the chemo, and omg it was a living nightmare. There are full days that I'm missing from my memory; all I remember from them are flashes and random images and (very super painful) moments, like some kind of nightmare-ish horror movie montage. It was awful. I would never wish this on anybody for any reason. Out of all the hospital stays I've had so far combined, I think that this particular experience has been the worst.

I don't mean to sound full of myself or anything, but I can't believe I went through and survived all that. I'm not gonna lie, I was really wondering for awhile. On one particularly horrible morning, I woke up in an absolute terrorized panic I can't describe, and my heart rate (which is normally around 70 or so) was at 140. So many doctors were sent to my room--not nurses, but doctors, and they were acting very serious and whispering amongst each other in the corner of the room, something that's never happened. I was seriously, honestly terrified that they were going to approach me at some point and tell me I'd had a small heart attack, and/or the chemo had done a number on my heart and that they wouldn't be able to continue with the treatments anymore, or something. Yet here I am, my heart's still beating (and at a normal level), and I'm due for another chemo treatment in July, sooo...we'll see how it goes! I hope they find me a transplant soon though, I really do, 'cause I'm scared there's only so much more of this my body can take. FWIW, I'm only to have 1-2 more rounds of chemo tops anyway. Although getting a transplant requires two goes of chemo as part of the procedure. Holy crap!

Speaking of transplants, when I first arrived at the hospital over a week ago, I was originally sharing a room with a guy who had just had one. But I didn't get to find out much. Not only because I'm anti-social, but also because I was hurried off to isolation, into this private room as soon as I got infected. That's the silver lining, I guess. The private room, I mean.

I'm still in the hospital and am going to be for the next few days. Looks like it's gonna be a 2-week-ish stay in all. I wanna hurry up and get home, not just for obvious reasons, but also because I'm becoming neutropenic and should be completely such by tomorrow, and the longer I stay here in this germ-infested disease tank, the higher my chances of catching something horrible and icky and getting stuck here longer. Blaaaah. I totally understand why I have to stick around though; even though I feel fine, they have to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't get sick again, and they're still feeding me antibiotics by IV, which they've slowly been weaning me off of.

I just can't get over that it's Saturday. It's so weird to miss a few days out of the week like that, because for me, it just WAS Saturday. Ugh. What a week. It's changed me.