Going from hanging out with friends watching DVDs and playing video games to suddenly and seemingly randomly being hospitalized with cancer is a very surreal experience indeed. And that's a huge understatement. I've been in the hospital for two and a half weeks now and it all still feels somewhat surreal. Sometimes my dreaming life feels like the real one. How weird is that?
Something that really sucks (well, that's from a long list indeed) is that I can't hug or touch anyone as I have no immune system left at the moment, so I can't risk picking up any germs, bacteria that could cause infections, etc. Red Dwarf is one of my favourite TV shows of all time (fellow fans may recognize the reference to the first book in the title of this blog) and when I'd watch it I always wondered what it would like to be Rimmer (a hologram), never being able to touch anyone, never being able to get a hug from anybody if he needed it. Now I know what it feels like and it's really, really, really terrible. I can't even cuddle up with my own husband, ffs. And I need to do so more badly now than ever. What an annoyingly crappy unfair position to be in.
I can't hug anyone who comes to see me, I can't hug anyone to thank them for the gifts they bring me....ohh, that's another thing---gifts! I've gotten so many. I'm so grateful and happy for them all, but omg. It's overwhelming. I'm not used to this and it almost makes me feel uncomfortable, getting showered with so many presents. It's great, of course, but it takes some getting used to. Does that sound weird? I've gotten so many adourable stuffed animals. I'm not allowed to touch them, but I can at least look at them. They're all up on a shelf in the room, looking over me. Yay for that, at least!
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