Mortality

ARGHHHHH FML. I've learned it's not the best idea to read about other people's leukemia battles, but sometimes they're shoved in my face without my asking (like on TV, etc) and the results are often the same: people MY AGE (or younger) who all die within a year or 2. FUCK THAT. Fuuuuck that shit.  I'm not posting this for sympathetic comments or false hope, I just had to get this off my chest as if I don't cool down soon I'm going to lose my fucking temper and trash this room. I am so angry, so upset and angry I can't quite find the words to express it. I know some people survive, but I've read about WAY more lost battles than success stories, and it fucking sucks. I've read so many other people's blogs and Facebook pages where their friends are all like, "yeaaah you can do this!" and they're like "Fuck yes I can!" and then they even get better...only to have a relapse and die a year later.

I don't like these odds. Some days I feel more positive than others but something I saw mentioned on TV tonight during a hockey game about a 29-year-old who lost her battle with leukemia...I don't know, it was kind of like the last straw, the one that really made me fear for my own mortality. But I feel anger and frustration moreso than fear. It's hard to explain. I don't want to fucking die!

Oh, and today already sucked as I spent it with a fucking fever that went up and down, blood cultures, and more x-rays. Yay.

Seriously? FML.